|
April 30, 2006
Question: HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have the most perfect guy on the world, yet I have just cheated on him, not once, but with two other guys. Neither of my three guys know that I am cheating on them with one of their friends. I am sooooo confused!!!! My friends tell me I should dump all of them, but I don't know what to do at all!!
Please oh mighty wizard, what should I do?!!!?!?
~Clueless
ANSWER: Surely you know that if one of them finds out, you might be the dumpee – though maybe not. The wizard appreciates that you perceive a problem. Have you started a relationship with all three?
Date the one who is the most perfect guy in the world and resolve not to cheat on him. To save yourself from his dumping you for cheating on him, you might in a warm moment confess to him your previous infidelity assuring him that it will never happen again. He might not be able to tolerate that, or believe your assurance, but isn’t it better than a friend giving him a surprise piece of information?
Since they are all friends, is it possible that they already know?
You created a nest of vermin. End it by jumping out of the nest and start a new one. That means not cheating on someone in whom you are interested and with whom you want to establish a relationship. If you can salvage the relationship with the guy you want, good for that. If you can’t, find a new relationship that works for you and don’t cheat.
Wizard
April 30, 2006
Question: My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 1 year now. However, I have lost an immense interest in him now. We don't argue or anything, it’s just that everything has become rather dull now. I still feel comfortable with him, but the "rush" of being with him is completely gone. About two months ago, he had dumped me for another girl but he came back to me a week later, pleading with me to forgive him. Of course, we got back together because I still loved him. Now however he has become quite boring.
He's still the same, but I have just lost interest in him. I don't want to hurt him. I still want to be friends with him. What should I do?
ANSWER: Losing interest is a perfectly normal development. He is likely to have some trouble with it, but he shouldn’t be completely in the dark about it. He must be observing a change in your interaction with him. And, after all, he did dump you for another girl about two months ago.
You are meritorious and generous in not wanting to hurt him, but be sure that your worry for him does not interfere with your judgment. If a dump is in order, then do it with clarity and without mixed messages. Make sure he does not mistake your dump for a quirky if not foolish attempt to juice up the relationship. He must know that it is at an end, if in fact you have made that decision.
A clear and unmistakable message is the nicest way to dump him. It will of course hurt, as every disappointment in dating is difficult, but he will not labor under the misguided belief that he can revive your interest by pestering you with repeated telephone calls, for instance. A guy can become obsessively miserable and even desperate if he thinks the flame is still there. Once he knows it is over, he can rather quickly light a new flame for the next lovely woman that crosses his path.
Wizard
April 28, 2006
Question: should i dump my "boyfriend"? he never compliments me or makes me feel special. he always pays me out and embarrasses me in front of all his mates. he acts like he doesnt even want me around and then when he decides to talk and i dont want to he says everything is my fault.. i really liked this guy and he has totally embarrassed me. i just dont know what to do anymore, and i dont want to hurt anyone’s feelings...if u think i should dump him, how do u recommend i do it? I NEED HELP!!!
ANSWER: You are certainly ready for a dump.
Don’t let the worry about his feelings stop you. If you allow yourself to hold back for that reason, you will deny yourself one of the basic behavioral acts done by single people – a dump. It is okay to think about hurting him as little as possible. That shows some class on your part – but do it, even if you stumble a bit. You need and deserve a boyfriend who makes you feel special all the time and who does not embarrass you. Sounds good, doesn’t it? He’s out there. Go find him.
Wizard
April 28, 2006
Question: I met this really, really nice guy, BUT, I just can't get past the effects of his weight loss surgery (400+lbs to 280 so far) skin everywhere! Which is especially gross when you're on the bottom! and he has a really bad case of acne vulgaris (puss, gross, everywhere). Should I be honest, or lie, or stop being so shallow. Although I don't think I'm being THAT shallow. I'm grossed out for crying out loud! HELP!
ANSWER: This girl does not need help!
Wizard
April 28, 2006
Comments:
He's an ex drug dealer.
He's addicted to weed.
He's not the brightest, by far.
He's not a reader.
He's not interested in theatre.
He doesn't take me out.
He drinks every day.
He doesn't give compliments.
He can be negative when he DOES compliment.
He will never really have a career because of his lack of intelligence.
ANSWER: This must be a guy that got dumped. Let us hope he corrects at least half of the above.
Wizard
April 25, 2006
Question: im in 6th grade and i just got my first boyfriend. he is really nice and sweet around me and then around anyone at all he acts like a complete idiot and raises his voice really loud and says stupid things. everyone is like "dump him, you can do better" and to me he is sweet and says "i want to be with u till high school i love you ur the perfect girl for me." should i dump him? i like him when we are alone... but he cant even act normal around 1 other person with us... HELP!
ANSWER: Do you like him when you are around other people? If yes, then you can tolerate his acting like an idiot. Maybe with your help he will turn himself around from that, but you should not undertake the huge task of educating a boy your age. You must make your decision based on how much you like him: enough to overlook how he acts around other people or not?
Remember, dating is a fun thing, not an opportunity to be a guy’s mom. He needs to be respectful of you, and in public the respect he has for you should lead him into better behavior with other people you know.
If you don’t now, you will eventually tire of that behavior (unless it stops) and dump him.
Wizard
April 24, 2006
Question: is it okay for him to get mad at me when i talk to other guys?
ANSWER: No, so long as you are not flirting with them.
Wizard
April 22, 2006
Question: Dear Wizard:
I have been in a relationship with someone I've known for over a year. I love him very much. We live together and overall I am happy as we have a great friendship base. However, over the last few months he's been viewing porn DVDs quite frequently when I've been out of the house. . . . (edited out) . . . he pretty much falls asleep . . . (edited out) . . . Our sex life is starting to lack much passion and . . . (edited out) . . . To top it off, when I mentioned it, he passed it off as "I don't initiate enough", which is not true of me at all in past relationships. This actually is the first time I've ever heard this complaint. His porn addiction is ruining our sex life. It seems like I have to make up for the passion he's lacking. I also know for a fact he lies about checking his cheating ex's profile on Myspace. I asked him about it, and he lied about that.
Your words of wisdom would be much appreciated.
ANSWER: Your boyfriend doesn’t need the porn and should be engaged in a healthy mutual sexual relationship with you. If your boyfriend’s problem is an addiction to porn, he should be visiting with a counselor who knows how to help him put his attention on you, not the porn.
Any addiction is a sickness. His is one that can be resolved, but he may be unable to take care of it by himself. Your support and encouragement will certainly help.
Unfortunately many people while suffering from an addiction do not admit that it exists. They misperceive the seriousness of the problem and often resist help.
You need to be frank with yourself about the symptoms you notice in his behavior and the fact that your needs are unmet. The statistic on recovering addicts is not favorable.
You might seek the advice (from the same or a different counselor) on how to address the problem with him directly. As the wizard understands it, you might not want to accuse him of addiction and you might have to be cautious about how you tell him of its awful consequences (a breakdown of your relationship).
Good luck.
Wizard
April 21, 2006
Question: my boyfriend is sosososo cute but he’s not nice to my friends but nice to me. should i dump him?
ANSWER: It’s all up to you. Will he change his attitude toward your friends? Maybe if you talk to him about it? Will you want to date him if he is not nice to your friends? Is it your friends that don’t deserve niceness? Or is it a character flaw in your boyfriend?
All of this, you need to find out and decide. So many times, the decision whether to date or dump depends on personal feelings that will differ from one person to another in the same situation. The wizard can give guidance and advice – but in this instance, you really have to look at the situation and decide for yourself.
If more details are included in a question, the wizard will (and has in many instances) venture a decision on which is best (date or dump).
Wizard
April 19, 2006
Comment: That entry from April 14 basically saying that you are full of crap was not from a man defender, or whatever you called it. Why are you telling the people who read this website lies? It was from me, and I'm a girl.
ANSWER: Good for you. The wizard likes opinionated people.
Wizard
April 18, 2006
Question: I like this guy, i guess. But it feels weird dating him. Like i wanna dump him then i don't. He's really nice and never mean. He just doesn't talk a lot. And i like funny guys but he never cracks jokes or says anything funny. So i don't know what to do!!!! Please help me!!!!
ANSWER: Your question wavers between dump and don’t dump. In one breath you say he is nice and never mean, and in the other you say he isn’t funny enough.
Usually if a girl feels “weird” dating a guy, a dump is in the offing. Of course a girl can grow accustomed to a guy’s weirdness and then want to stay with him. If you are uncomfortable, however, it is quite normal (and okay!) to want to date someone with whom you are comfortable, and hence dump the one with whom you are uncomfortable.
Dumping is a normal activity. It is part of a process of learning more about oneself and about guys. Dating is a happy, go-lucky, fun activity – not a morose deliberation about how you can go on with someone you don’t fit in with but don’t want to hurt. And furthermore, dating is not a burdensome study of how problems can get fixed by molding each other’s personality or making unhappy compromises.
Excuse the wizard’s venting just a little about the obvious. You are experiencing one of life’s fun but darned complicated things. It seems so simple and then it gets so complicated. Follow your feelings. If you’re having fun, date him even if he isn’t funny enough. You can overlook a small weakness if he’s otherwise a great guy. Dump him if you really need more humor in your dating relationships. It’s a question of what suits you best, not him, or anyone else.
Wizard
April 16, 2006
Question: I am 19 years old. I went to get a new sound system installed on my car. The guy who worked on my car and I hit it off in the few hours that i was there and he gave me his number to call him. This guy is 24, which doesn't bother me because I’m attracted to guys that are slightly older. So anyway, I call him and we chill and hang out and I have such a great time with him. We really have a strong chemistry between us.
He opens up to me that he has a baby on the way, which initially disappoints me. It's not that i'm disappointed w/ him -- hey things happen! I'm just realizing that if i decide to stay w/ him, i have to witness one of the biggest changes in a man's life! He opens up that he and the girl were broken up before she found out that she was pregnant because she cheated on him and said she wanted to move on. He plans on being there for his son and i actually admire his responsibility. I still want to give us a chance and he has shared with me that he also feels something special between us
ANSWER: It is unclear how long you have been dating, but it is clear enough that you enjoy each other and dating is not a bad idea. Just be careful not to have child number two unless and until you decide to get married, which should only happen after both of you fall in love and have made that decision carefully. A lot can happen between now and then. Give it time and patience – but enjoy life in the meantime.
He’s a lucky guy to be given a fair shake by you. A lot of girls would turn him down quicker than you can drop burning cinders. It’s dangerous baggage for most. If you’re happy, good, but stay cautious. Never ever lose that wonderful ability you have to see the real person for what he is – a precious gift – but don’t hurt yourself in your kindness.
Wizard
April 14, 2006
Comment: You're so wack. You're terrible. I bet you never discourage someone from dumping their boyfriend. You probably don't know what real love is. Ever heard of people getting to know each other and crossing stumbling blocks while they are at it? Have you ever even dated someone? Probably not because then you would know that it's not easy. You probably don't even consider the different emotional reactions of men and women. You're so stupid. Get into a relationship and then come back to your stupid XXX site and see if you will keep telling people to dump their boyfriends.
ANSWER: This arrived today from a defender of the guys the wizard recommends be dumped. Here is the statement on the box in which questions are sent:
“The Wizard sends good will to all, but the quality of the Wizard's advice depends on the accuracy and completeness of the facts presented and depends most essentially on the will and character of people involved.”
SEE ALSO COMMENTARY ON THE "NEWS AND COMMENTARY" PAGE.
Any reader shall make his or her own judgment. The wizard is not taking a test, nor does the wizard play games with the world. The wizard points out the obvious and tries to help those who seek help.
The wizard is a compilation of wisdom from several people and is not one individual with a name and an existence measured in height, weight, and age. The wizard is measured in wisdom and, as a wise old wizard, the insights are genuine.
Wizard
April 12, 2006
Question: my boyfriend and i have been dating for a while now and for a while now he's been lying to me about things and really hasn't been straight forward. he makes me feel incomplete at times. the other day we had one of those all relationship talks about when is the right time to have sex. he said it depends on how much he had to drink. then i got really upset and told him i will go find someone who will sleep with me (even though i don't want that kind of relationship at this time). he said it would depend how high the guy was. this made me feel that no one will ever sleep with me because i'm not beautiful. they would have to be out of their mind to have sex with me. what should i do?
ANSWER: Dump your boyfriend. No time is right for him to have sex with anyone, especially you. You will find another boyfriend and you will know the right time when it arrives.
Drinking and how high one gets have nothing to do with the merits of sex, nor the timing, nor the joy of it, unless you like being a victim.
It is a sharing of an experience special to the two involved. The boyfriend who you have sex with will see that you are in fact a beautiful, lovely, wonderful person from top to bottom. He will think that way about you and you will feel that way.
Your boyfriend is a nincompoop.
Wizard
April 12, 2006
Question: I've started talking to this new guy in my life recently after a break up. He's starting to get feelings for me and I'm feeling something for him too. He says he loves me which I think is a bit too soon. The guy has had some difficult past experiences ...as he has told me some. He used to have suicidal thoughts which freaks me out. He tells me he is a changed person and that was all in the past. I’m just unsure if the guy is a stable person. One minute he acts fine and if I don’t talk to him he will get worried and all sad about it. I do need my space but I’m just confused if I should go further on with him. I do want to help him out. PLEASE HELP ME !!!! I need yr advice.
ANSWER: Don’t date him to help him out. Be a friend to him, and see what happens. If you want to date him, do so because of your feelings, not because of his need.
Be cautious. Keep the relationship limited so you keep control and can end it or adjust it easily. Once you start dating, you're stuck more than you might want to be, unless your feelings truly overtake you.
Wizard
April 10, 2006
Question: I been with my boyfriend for 2 and ½ years. The beginning was fine but now I seem to get mad at him for everything. Like if he decides to go out with his cousins instead of me. He says that he is young and just wants to have fun, that I should do the same. He made it clear to me that as long as we stay faithful to each other everything should be fine. He says he loves me and that his feelings have been not changed. The thing is my feelings have. We argue like any couple would but every time we argue the anger builds up in me and he slowly makes my feelings for him turn around. What should I do?
ANSWER: If your feelings have indeed changed, and you can’t stop arguing and having anger issues with him, then you’re not ready for a long term relationship with him. You need to take a deep breath and look at yourself carefully. Determine whether you are invested in this relationship. In other words, is this what I want for a relationship? When the answer is clearly no, then it is time to dump him and move on.
Wizard
April 5, 2006
Question: ok so me and a guy have been going out nearly 2 months! we have had so many arguments and to be honest i have fallen out of love with him i think! hes now saying he loves me and cherishes everyday we spend together but i dont think i want to be together anymore! its difficult because i have fallen out of love with him when he falls into love with me? i dont think i can stay undecided for much longer! its really difficult deciding what to do! should i dump him? even though he now says he loves me but i dont love him back? help!
ANSWER: You date someone because of your feelings, not his. When you love someone, you want him to love you back. But you do not date someone you don’t love just because he now loves you.
If you have fallen out of love with him, the answer to your question is yes, you should dump him.
Wizard
April 4, 2006
Question: i have been living together with a guy for 9 months. Things were great in the beginning...but have slowly started becoming boring. He is really a great guy but it’s the small things that are starting to bug me, and i get so irritated and annoyed so quickly! I also don’t find him as attractive as i used to and it is affecting our sex life. Should i dump?
ANSWER: In a word, yes. After living with a guy for nine months, that’s like a nine month long date. He’s got roots growing around you.
You’re not married. Your happiness depends on you to respond to the symptoms you describe. These symptoms are typical in a relationship where the guy is a good guy (or even a great guy) but the magic is lost. Sad, but not bad. It just won’t work. He probably senses it too.
You must cut the roots and get loose. Be nice about it, if that is possible, because he has been a great guy, after all.
Wizard
April 3, 2006
Question: I just don't like him anymore. I haven’t seen him in a week, but if i had a choice, id never see him again. I had a lot of fun with him, but I think I can do better.
ANSWER: You can. The wizard has no doubt.
Wizard
|
