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August 30, 2008
Question: I have been talking to a guy at work for over a year. We do not work in the same building. I really like him, but he has ever asked me out. He doesn’t have a girlfriend and says he doesn’t like to date. He calls me personally about 5 days a week and also texts during the week or finds a dumb work reason to contact me. He used to call on the weekend, but has stopped over the last 3 months. He got a promotion and has started calling even more. I am really into him and we do flirt with each other. There is no mistaking it. I am older and make more money, but with his new job he's not far off. I am not aggressive and do NOT want to ask him out. I really do think that's the guy’s job. He does know I find him attractive because we’ve talked about it and the conversations always flow. We crack each other up and I find him very smart. I know he is career driven but I can’t figure out why he’s not asking me out when he flirts and calls all the time! Should I just dump him? Or be patient and wait it out?
ANSWER: You aren’t dating, so you can’t dump him. If you are asking, should I give up, the answer is no. You know he digs you. He will ask you out when he is ready. In the meantime, however, you should date other guys.
Don’t allow yourself to be so stuck on him that you deprive yourself of good times waiting for him to act. If he never asks you out you’d be a stuck prude.
Wiz
August 29, 2008
Question: Dear Wizard, Thank you!
"...pebbles, ice, colors, sounds, and fresh air..."
Beautiful facets of dimensionality are appearing more and more in all that I see, hear, commune with, and ponder over...including our own strange species. You are a Wiz, indeed. :)
ANSWER: You will notice great beauty in the simplest, most mundane things. And after having done so, you will realize that these things are not so simple as they seemed. This world around us is more beautiful and complex than we, as humans, could ever make it.
Wiz
August 27, 2008
Question: I have been dating this guy for 4 years. We broke up for one year and now are back together, but I think it will never be the same. We have been back together for 8 months. He is honestly the nicest guy in the world and treats me perfect. He is my best friend and I care dearly about him. I just don’t know if I'm happy with him anymore. He now works offshore and is gone every other week and when he is home I feel like he is not even really there, like I'm on the back burner. And I don’t know if I'm happy with him anymore. I don’t even know if I'm happy with myself. What do I do? It will kill him to lose me. He told me I'm all he lives for and I'm the best part of his life. I don’t know what to do. Please help me!
ANSWER: You don’t know whether you are happy with him, and don’t know whether you are happy with yourself. The message is clear about your ambiguous feelings of happiness, but the question is not clear about the source. If the source were your boyfriend, the obvious answer is to end the dating relationship and move on. You state that you have been back together for 8 months and he is the nicest guy in the world and treats you perfect. With this information, one must wonder if the source is with you. But the wiz thinks not.
Another more likely possibility is the relationship simply lacks pizzazz – no sparks, no romance of the kind one dreams about. If when he is home you feel that he is not really there, and that you are on the back-burner, the source may be a simple lack of chemistry. The fact is that no one can make sparks in a relationship with any one.
Two lovers are at one with each other’s joy and excitement about their future together, and part of the beauty of the affair is that both believe the other is a rare find, a jewel in the sand. Each senses a tingling awe in heart and mind for the other. Sparks fly. This doesn’t happen between just anybody. Two good friends who love each other’s company can try to spark up a romance, but it won’t happen without the right chemistry. It is no one’s fault. It just didn’t happen.
He might find you to be a comfort and a welcome soul in his life, which is why he came back to you, but not the flame that lights his torch, so he visits as he needs you, and that is not often enough. You too might enjoy his company as the nicest guy you know, but the tingling sense of awe, an inspiration for romantic love, is only something you read about or see in movies.
You may feel, “Is that all there is?” No, there is more, if you wait for love and find it. If you wait too long, the anguish and the loneliness might cause you to make concessions and marry a guy like your boyfriend. If you decide now to stay with him, he could be a good companion, but you would wonder always if that is all there is. It’s a life choice for you, and a tough one, but you must make the decision, and take the risk if you want something better.
If you decide to move on, tell him about the lack of sparks. He will understand if that is the problem, even if he tries to disagree. If he wants to make sparks, he’ll find a way to pursue you still, and you might reconsider again if you sense them.
Wiz
August 24, 2008
Question: I asked a question yesterday. I don't think it was exactly the right question, so – should I continue to see less and less of my (gentle and sensitive) guy, in the hope that I can wean him off our relationship and avoid the joint misery of a clean and brutal break? How should I do it? I really need help to decide.
ANSWER: Your question was fine and well understood. You cannot wean him off and be sure you will avoid disaster.
To wean is to detach one from that to which he has become devoted. It also means to take a baby off the milk of his mother. Both require time and effort. A baby has no choice in the matter and naturally adjusts. A boyfriend believes he has choice in the matter, especially if you give him reason to think he has choice, and will not naturally adjust while he believes his devotion to you will earn your devotion to him.
The safest and most beneficial method to end a relationship with a gentle and sensitive guy is to cut off the supply of love and devotion altogether.
If he tastes the milk of your honey, he will never leave. You must cut off the supply of your honey. The fairest and most respectful way is to tell him so he doesn’t want and yearn for you any more. Follow the advice in yesterday’s question, and you will be happy, and he will adjust.
Wizard
August 23, 2008
Question: I have been with my guy for 4 years. He is kind, considerate, and loving. I have met someone else and I want to be with him. I have been trying to see less and less of my guy and trying to finish the relationship by stealth. But it is not working and he says he will wait for me for as long as it takes. I have no intention of telling him there is someone else – I know that would be wrong. I don't want to hurt him – I'm a coward. I feel so, so guilty. What should I do?
ANSWER: If you stay a coward, and delay telling him the straight truth, he will suffer even more while hoping he can wait for you and have the relationship he dreams about.
You must tell him that you do not want the romantic relationship any more, at least that much, if you cannot tell him you have found someone else. You and he will be better off with a clean break, and that means telling him.
When you tell him, you can soften the blow by telling him about his great qualities. Highly compliment him and avoid criticisms. When he says, “If I am so great, why are you dumping me?” you must tell him that it is not him, but you, that is making this decision. Tell him that you do not feel inside that romance is right for you right now, with him or anyone else. If he asks whether you intend to date other people, you should tell him yes. Be clear about it. Don’t waffle and don’t lead him on to think there is hope for you and him as a couple.
You can do it. You must do it.
Wizard
August 23, 2008
Question: My boyfriend of 3 years is cheating on me and neglecting me. But whenever I try to dump him, he becomes all sorrowful and tells me he loves me more than anything and says I’m his wife to be. What should I do? This neglecting is killing me.
ANSWER: It’s an easy decision. Dump him. The reason is that guys who neglect and cheat on their girlfriends will always neglect and cheat on their girlfriends. If the girlfriend believes he will change because he is so sorrowful, and marries him because he pleads his love for her, she will be sorely disappointed during marriage when he neglects her and cheats on her all over again.
Do not be so forgiving. He is not innocent. End the relationship.
A common tragedy occurs as follows: Guy physically abuses girl. Girl cries and complains. Guy pleads his love for her and convinces her how sorry he is. Girl forgives guy. Guy abuses girl again. Girl forgives again. Guy says he is sorry again. Guy abuses girl again. And so on until the girl is dead or seriously injured and psychologically damaged, and finally gets help. Cheating and neglecting is not abuse like this situation, but it is bad behavior that you should not forgive and allow him to do again. The same circle of bad behavior, pleading sorrow, forgiving, and his doing it again, applies.
Wizard
August 22, 2008
Question: I met this guy Joel when I was visiting my parents in Cancun over the holidays. Our first "date" was at the beach. That's the only place he seemed to want to go – or back to his place watching TV. I liked him, but I didn't see it going anywhere. I ignored his phone messages, etc. after I returned home for college classes. Then a few months later, he moves to the Indianapolis area because of his job. (My parents did, too. It was a temporary assignment in Cancun.)
Joel wanted to start something up with me and I decided to give him another chance. But there were never any dinners out, no movies at the theatre, nothing! I just got fed up.
A little while later, I met this guy who was 180 degrees from Joel (in the way he treated me) – David made me dinner, took me dancing, out to restaurants on occasion, etc., and told me that having me around was like having sunshine in his life.
When Joel called out of the blue one Sunday evening several weeks later, I told him I had met someone else. I could tell he was surprised and disappointed, but the shocker for me was when I was told the next morning AFTER I dumped Joel that he went to my dad's office the next morning (at work) and was VERY upset!! Why would he take it out on my dad when I'M the one who "dumped" him??!! Why was it such a big deal to him when I hadn't heard from him in several weeks?! It was as if he thought my dad had promised to him or something -- which I seriously doubt! What is it with this guy????? If you can make ANY sense of Joel’s behavior, I'd appreciate it so I can put it to rest for good! I'm not the kind of person who likes to hurt anybody! Thanks.
ANSWER: Joel had no business going to your father like that. It matters not what relationship he had with your dad, or what your dad may have ever said to him. Your dating decisions are yours, not your dad’s, and Joel’s actions were foolish and unnecessary. Obviously it got him nowhere with you.
No explanation is obvious. A few possibilities come to mind, but all but one are pure speculation. One possibility that has some factual basis is he might be paternalistic in his thinking, and that suggests he may also be misogynic. Notice he went to your father, not your mother, and he wasn’t satisfied complaining only to you. This suggests he thought he might change things by going to the male of the house, your father. He might have believed you and your mother will do whatever your father tells you to do, and that your decision to dump him would change after your father spoke to you. If all that is so, you’ve done well to be rid of him.
This is a logical explanation. On the information given, little else can be determined.
Wizard
August 18, 2008
Question: I'm extremely worried that my relationship is taking a turn for the worse and has been for a long time. I'm going into my second year of university, and I've recently changed my place of living, and had some family problems. Maybe the reason for my sadness is from this but I seem to think it could be my boyfriend too.
He doesn't ever do anything special for me, or make me feel special, even on our one year anniversary. I feel sort of weird like something isn't right the majority of the time. Even though thoughts run through my head all the time, “wow, I need to break up with him,” etc., I can't do it, and I feel that maybe I don't want to. But maybe he is showing signs he'll dump me, and that is making me hold back?
We text all day, etc., but usually he would call me a bit more than text. When we're on the phone he's always the first to get off. I feel awkward talking about the future because I'm afraid he doesn't want to anymore. I even am afraid to make plans with him because I have a feeling he may not want to spend time with me. Of course, I'm an overly sensitive person, and I don't know if I'm putting all of these ideas on myself.
We have recently gotten into that comfortable stage of the relationship. I feel like he's my best friend but more like a buddy than his girlfriend. After we end a phone conversation, or little things he says, I find myself crying all the time, even over nothing. Even when I bring up sex I feel like he isn't even that enthusiastic about it. Whenever I bring this stuff up he tells me “of course its not true” and what I am thinking is completely in my head. But I can't help but wonder.
Feeling like he may be wanting to break up is making me feel like holding back and maybe making him feel that I do. I'm not sure what to do. I love him so much. Just due to his recent actions that seem to be taking me for granted, or that he doesn't want to be with me, I don't know what the next steps are to take :(
I don't want to break up with him, but if he is going to break up with me I want to know to be prepared. I guess, maybe I need to put myself out there completely and not hold back at all. I'm heartbroken.
ANSWER: Like a blah plate of potatoes, throw a dash of spice onto the relationship. Take him somewhere exciting, or go with him to do something exciting, something new and different. If you can’t afford much, or if you can’t take time to do much, prepare a candle-lit meal at home. Do something, almost anything, to get those potatoes back in the pan and put a little sizzle on the fire. Re-ignite the spark that lit your first fun night out together.
He should get the less-than-subtle hint that you love him and you want him to love you. If he does, he’ll respond, and maybe he can start to think up some good “new stuff” to do. If you can’t reignite the spark, your relationship may be in serious trouble with the blahs.
Wizard
August 16, 2008
Question: I am 44 and have had three significant relationships in my life. Significant is where I have put my heart and soul into them, and it has been reciprocated. Now, in all these relationships (and I am the last of the materialist people), the guys would do the little gestures like buy me flowers and little things here and there. Please remember I am not looking for a sugar daddy or anything, it is just that with all I put in to Relationship Number 4 now, it would seem he would bring me a flower maybe once. I will give him this, he pays for meals, but I am a light eater, and it is infrequent.
Most recently, I saw a little pink secretary chair for $20. I hinted at it a couple times, and he ignored my hints. I told my sister who has been listening to my ordeal with this man for a year. I told her about the pink chair. This morning I began to cry as my sister on my voice mail told me she had transferred $30 to my bank account to go buy the pink chair. It was from my mother and her.
Anyway, my question which I am sure there is no right or wrong, but on the average, if you are giving your heart and soul to a guy for a year, generally would he not send a Valentine's card if not a present, a birthday present, or just little things here and there? That other three did. Constantly. Oh, and this guy is rich. Like I say, there is a lot of gray area here on the rules of this game, but I am asking generally, and going by my past experiences. By the way, I have bought him things and sent him cards when I think of him, but I do not really think he cares. This I say because one gift he did not open until the day after he got it at his office.
ANSWER: Yes, a guy who cares about his date sends her flowers, gifts, and cards (not just on Valentine’s Day). Some guys are thick-headed when it comes to chivalry and gentlemanly attention, but most learn a lesson here or there over the years. Your date should know better – or, as you say, maybe he doesn’t care.
If a guy likes the girl he dates, he wants to do things for her. One of the easiest things to do, because all it takes is a little time and very little money, is to send a card or a note of love or gratitude.
A girl likes to feel appreciated and special. Most guys in love will show affection and give their girl special treatment quite instinctively without thinking, because it is the natural thing to do when you are in love. Most guys who like their date a lot, but maybe not in love, still have enough mind to know on occasion to do something special for the one they like so much.
Wizard
August 16, 2008
Question: Hi, I'm 38 years old and have been dating my current boyfriend for the past 4 months. Things really started out really well. However, as of late I have noticed some patterns with him that aren't sitting comfortably with me. It’s been several times where he goes to visit family and he's hard to contact via cell phone, or even returning texts replies. And he never even asks if I would like to join him, or even meet his family. This is almost every weekend. Seems like the only time I see him is late in the evening when it’s dark and time to go to bed. And then he's right back up and heading home. This is becoming very tiresome and hectic to me. I'm beginning to feel like I'm not good enough to go out and be seen with him, or better yet, not worthy enough to meet his family. Just like today, he's gone out with his family, and I'm off today. But I'm left alone today and probably won't hear from him until tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to seem needy or desperate, but just would like to spend more quality time with him. Honestly, I'm starting to feel/know like there's someone else he's spending his days off with, and it’s not his family. Help!
ANSWER: You might be right, but don’t give up until you have a good talk with him. Tell him you don’t want to seem needy but you want to spend more quality time with him. Tell him this schedule he puts you on makes you feel like you’re not good enough to go out and be seen with him. These are legitimate concerns that he should know about and help resolve.
If he responds with concern and care for you, and agrees to make changes that will make you feel better, you will feel better trying to make the relationship work.
If he pooh–poohs your concerns, he is either inconsiderate of you or has another relationship. Either way, he is not worth your effort.
Wizard
August 14, 2008
Question: I am so tired of the fact that this guy reeled me in with all the right gestures, then got tired of me, and now treats me not special. Cavalier at times. I think it is a crime to do that. He would send me VERY, VERY NICE text and voice messages, and now nothing. He still sees me, but it seems obligatory. I think he wishes I would just fade away. But, when I say this, he claims he does not want that. I am miserable every day due to the contrast of the relationship from a year ago to today. I am being taken for granted, and before I was like worshipped.
ANSWER: Don’t let it stay that way. If you can’t freshen up the relationship, move on to another guy.
Wizard
August 13, 2008
Question: Hello, I have been friends with my boyfriend for about a year. I think he's wonderful, generous, and kind, but I have some concerns. We recently started to date about 2 months ago. At first things were going really well. We had a lot of fun together and things were great. I thought, wow this could be the one!
He is 30 and I am 26. He has a great job working as an electrician, but somehow is always low on money or is paying someone back. He lives on his own and supports himself fully, which I do admire. But he has told me he has very poor credit, is in a debt consolidation program, and has been late with a lot of his bills (his phone was just turned off).
I am concerned with his very irresponsible behavior. I am also concerned with his drinking and "casual drug use" (so he says). He tends to drink about 3 days a week and sometimes drinks to the point where he won't remember anything, even if I try to remind him the next day. I have told him he needs to get help, but he will not and tells me to pretty much mind my business. He also takes Paxil for his depression and it is causing a huge strain on our sex life. He has pretty much told me, if you don't like it, this is the way it is and I am not ready to change my lifestyle now.
I am also dealing with his ex girlfriend that calls him constantly trying to get back together with him.
What do I do? Can things get better? I am very confused and a little torn =(
ANSWER: Things can get better and things can get worse. At his age he should be able to live on his own, keep his debts manageable, drink more responsibly, and get his ex girlfriend off his back (if he wants her off his back).
The troubling part of your question is that he says this is the way it is and he isn’t about to change. He is in a rut of some serious proportion. You will not want to live in the same rut with him.
If he continues to refuse to change, find a guy who lives on a path without ruts, and who manages life’s troubles without going into debt, binge drinking, and taking Paxil for depression.
Wizard
August 13, 2008
Question: Hey, I'm 16 and I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 7 months now. I know it isn't long, but to me it is because it's my first serious relationship. I don't really know how I can possibly explain this but, well . . . I don't trust him! Simply because he always texts girls. I look through his stupid cell phone and they say nasty things about me, telling him he could do better, when I AM THE ONE THAT COULD DO BETTER. And he lies to me a lot, like when we first started dating a rumour went around he kissed his ex and he was telling her he was going to leave me for her. Umm, I feel sick of thinking about it. The thing is I can't come to terms with dumping him. I’m too much of a wuss. I need help and advice on how the hell I could do it. Any help please :(
ANSWER: Tell him in a brief conversation that you thank him for all you learned dating him in a seven month relationship. Tell him it was real, you enjoyed spending time with him, and you liked him. However, you are ready to move on with new experiences, and you want to end the dating relationship.
Complimenting him makes it easier. Don’t talk about the things that bother you about him. Don’t criticize him. If he needs to learn about something, let him learn it through someone else. You are not his teacher. You are dumping him as your boyfriend. Keep it positive, simple, and short.
This is your first serious relationship. Now this will be your first break-up of a serious relationship. If you follow these instructions, your effort will be rewarded with success.
Wizard
August 13, 2008
Question: I have a really, really lovely boyfriend, but I'm not 100% sure the spark is there. It's more like we're best friends. I really love him and he is my best friend but I just get frustrated sometimes with being in a relationship. I'm 21, which is maybe a little young for marriage (which we've been discussing). What do you think? Part of me would love to settle down and plus I'm just not good at breakups and I'm not sure if it's something I'd regret. But I feel stifled. Please help.
ANSWER: Some people can get married early, say before 25, and be happy the rest of their lives. They swim the waves of marriage, sinking below the penetrating sun and almost drowning, then bobbing back up to the surface happy and invigorated, somehow overcoming the travails of that long and complex relationship known as marriage.
Most people can’t do it well. Over 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce, and that’s supposed to be a modern, civilized, advanced place to live. The percentages aren’t much different in most other places. Marriage is a good thing for those who succeed in it. For those who don’t, life can be miserable if you stay married to someone you don’t love or trust, or even like. The means of ending marriage, divorce, can be expensive and emotionally damaging. Add children to the mix and all kinds of terrors rise up from the depths of that ocean to bite your legs off.
However, nearly 50 percent do well and are happy being married. For those who work hard to make it a success, marriage offers a lifetime of love, companionship, emotional and financial support, extended family ties, and possibly children (who can light up your life with a whole universe of good things).
The cautionary thing to know is that people who marry early have lower rates of success.
You should examine carefully this question: For how long have you been an experienced young woman in this world learning about people, family, friends, love, hate, disappointment, career, labor, sickness, happiness, good food, travel, and whatever else moves you? Consider this question also: With a life-span of at least 80 years, and taking away the childhood years when you lived with your parents, what percentage of your life have you been independent and experimental with life?
If you have more life to experience, do not get married yet. Be assured, once you get married, you will experience a truckload of things you are not ready for. And, once married, you’ll never be able to experience the things you could have experienced while living as an independent, young adult.
If you don’t feel the spark with this boyfriend, perhaps you haven’t felt the spark at all yet. Many girls have not felt the spark at your age – but they do, later, after having been through some anguishing years, but also some marvelous life changing experiences as free spirits.
In the best of worlds, we would all be good at break-ups and none of us would feel stifled. In the real world, most of us are not good at break-ups. If you read the wizard’s advice religiously, you will still find difficulty. However, no one who is happy feels stifled for long. If you feel stifled, you are ready for change.
Wizard
August 12, 2008
Question: Dear Wizard, Thought I'd seek another perspective. After the demise of my last attempt at love, I have felt no compulsion whatsoever to get romantically involved with anyone. I'm not stuck on my ex and I'm not grieving over him. I'm sure that I was the one who inspired the end of our relationship due to our incompatibility problems. It hurt for a while, but the sorrow passed and became peace with continued no contact with him.
I thought it would be easy to find a new love interest, but it's been five months, and all the guys who pay attention to me appear two-dimensional and not worth the bother to me. I still have sexual desire, but am only comfortable with sex in the realm of fantasy. I don't want to go through all the bother of "the dance" and the uncertainties that attend the development of a new relationship. It seems like a waste of energy and time.
I've had other lost loves and moved on, hopeful that I'd find true love, but I have never felt this way before. I just feel . . . nothing.
My question for you is this: Is this normal or abnormal? Is it possible that I could I get stuck here in loveless land for the rest of my life? I'm not depressed. I'm pretty happy mostly, just a little concerned.
Also, I should tell you that I have a rather high IQ and it's rare to meet people that I find very interesting. Even so, in the past I've overlooked the intellectual chasm in favor of physical attraction and I've had much more appreciation, or feelings, for others than I do lately.
ANSWER: The world contains a large number of eligible males for you to choose from – and though you might find a smaller percentage desirable than the average girl next door, you will find some interesting guys in your future.
If you’re pretty happy, not depressed, then loveless land can be explored for a while. No, not for the rest of your life. Goodness knows, life is much too full to worry about that, and time is much too limited to consume time worrying about it.
Occupy your time with things you find interesting. Enjoy unique qualities of some mundane, casual things that you see every day, like pebbles, ice, colors, sounds, and fresh air. Fill in with some things more dimensional, like garden, volunteer work, art, reading, and philosophizing.
Keep busy. Stay social. It is amazing how time and activity (mental and physical) will add up to good health and success. That means finding a guy who will sit with you and enjoy the same things you do.
What you are going through is normal, though anguishing. Notice the good things that surround you. You will encounter another guy soon enough. Let him entertain you. Be amused if nothing else. Watch and listen for the sparks within you.
Wizard
August 11, 2008
Question: I have been with a guy for 11 months. After about the first month, he was pretty insistent we have sex. I did not think it was a good idea, but caved. He was very nice for about the first three months. Then, the little things began that showed I was being taken for granted. He became very pompous around me. I am mad because I knew getting intimate would make me attached, and tried to prevent it. OK, my bad, it happened.
Now, he does not want to be intimate with me. He says he is too old. I told him that he used to say he would like to have sex with me four times a day. Now, he says maybe once a week. I asked him, how he could go such worlds apart. He said he got old, and it is too much work. He was 60 11 months ago, and turned 61. I believe he has gotten tired of me. Instead of saying he is sick of me, he says he is too old and it is too much work. He also places other criteria on sex such as he only wants it spontaneously, and he wants me to be immodest (no lingerie). I agree spontaneity is nice, but he almost requires it, so I am confused. I guess I am supposed to be frumpy and appear uninterested.
He is claiming he got old in 11 months, and is putting stipulations on something that should be varied or it will go stale. Spontaneity is fine, but I am the type who likes to tease by talking about it. But, this makes it too obvious, so he gets turned off by a little dirty talk. By making this so hard, he just makes me think he is trying to send me away. He got me, had me, and is sick of me. Come on, getting old in 11 months. From wanting it four times a day to MAYBE once a week. I may sound like an overly amorous girl, but don't tell me stuff to get me in bed and string me along, then retract because he is sick of me. That is what he is doing, isn't it?
ANSWER: It is not clear how much younger you are than he is. The closer to 61 you are, the more likely it is that you will work this out. The issue is sexual compatibility. You might be better off looking for a younger guy who can be more flexible about having sex.
If he were sick of you, he could easily dismiss you. Instead, he keeps you around. It’s been eleven months and you still spend time with him. It is not likely that he intentionally disappoints you because he is sick of you. You have not given enough detail to understand what his real interest is. It might be sex – but not in ways you want to do it – because if he were romantically interested, his pomposity would melt into habitual doting over you. At that age, guys can be quite accommodating, even if crotchety, stuck in some bad habits, and unhappy about getting old.
If you are more than, say, 8 years younger, you should move on to something more interesting.
Wizard
August 9, 2008
Question: My ex-boyfriend and I broke up. We still have feelings for each other even though he claims that he has a girlfriend. I think that his "girlfriend" was the reason why we broke up. Should we work things out even if he has a girlfriend but still has feelings for me more than her?
ANSWER: Why did you break up if he has more feelings for you than her? How does the other girlfriend come into the picture at all?
If he wants to work things out with you, sure, work them out. One must still wonder how the other girl fits in. Perhaps the answer for you is that she doesn’t fit into this picture, and he needs to learn that. Hmmm. Okay. That works.
Wizard
August 9, 2008
Question: I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. We met online but not on a dating site. We have our ups and downs but worked it out. My problem is, I first discovered his constant flirtations back in March or so. One day he left his myspace on and I got curious and decided to check his email. I couldn't believe my eyes. I read through over 20 pages of flirting emails dating back to the time he officially asked me to be his girlfriend. I couldn't read any further back. I was too upset at what I was reading and the women he was contacting. There were a variety of them so you couldn't really say he only focused on the attractive ones or the unattractive ones.
After many hours of tears and when he came home from work, I asked him why would he do that? He said it's a relief that I actually found that out. He said that it's nothing but testing women to see how far they were willing to go. He said he's never met any of them in person before. At that time I didn't ask about calling and texting. I must have blocked that out somehow. For the next few months, things are great. All relationships have their ups and downs.
Next, after celebrating his birthday and with mine coming up in a few weeks, I discovered another problem. This time it was last week when I discovered this. He left his phone by accident at home while going to work. I made him aware that it was left because we were meeting up for lunch. I thought about how he would say that he'll look at my phone for calls made to my phone and texts as well. So I figured I should check his phone and see if there's anything he's hiding. Lord behold, there's numbers with no names assigned to them. I decided to read them, both his and theirs. I could not believe he was still flirting but this time with texting and talking on the phone. A few girls he had called or they called him. But that one night he texted over 8 girls with the same thing. One girl in particular said she thought about him and I was so heated that my insecurity kicked in. I snooped and browsed through his computer to find anything to help me prove that he was cheating on me. I wrote down the numbers but didn't tell him. When I met up with him for lunch I was already upset. I made up a lie to see if he'll just come clean but that backfired because he turned it against me for lying to him about not bringing his phone to him and lying that I picked up a call from his phone. I ended up telling him I did snoop in his phone and read the texts. I just lost it and came out asking if he was cheating on me. He clearly said that that's not how you go about asking someone if they're cheating on you. I was like, well, that was the proof I found to use. He told me that he wasn't cheating on me because he hasn't done anything or met up with any of them. Then he said that it would never get that far to having a stranger come to his place. I told him the first time and repeated to him that this kind of flirting will cause our relationship to become complicated and we'll have lots of arguments over it. He stated he is aware. I expressed that I want him to stop what he's doing. He just said he knows.
That night we went to bed. I slept one way and he slept the other way because it was hot and he wanted to be closer to the fan. Of course, he would say I was already asleep and didn't want to wake me to tell me that he was going to switch position. I cried laying there and got up twice to the bathroom because I couldn't breathe from the crying in bed. When morning came and he finally switched position to sleep with me, he finally touched me for the first time in 24 hrs. I cried as he was kissing me and not knowing I was crying. We ending up having sex that morning. I thought that maybe things were ok because he's not worried about it and that what he did was not cheating on me. However, I decided to text one girl that afternoon and she responded back. I ended up telling her who I was and tried to get as much info from her as possible. She told me that he's been saying that things with us weren't working out and we we're having problems to me begging him to stay and work things out to him feeling sorry for me and deciding to take me back to work at things. He would tell partial truths to her about himself. She told me the name of the site where they met displaying himself as single and looking to date. He's been calling and texting her every now and then after we've been dating. He even called her that very night after I told her my side of the story. He was still flirting with her, telling her how much he wanted to see her and for them to go out and have drinks with dinner and movie. I was so upset at him when I spoke to her again.
I love this guy. I really thought that maybe he is the one for me. I've done so much and gave so much. All my efforts and support doesn't seem to be appreciated or acknowledged anymore. I feel that he is cheating on me by calling these women and inviting them to go out and implying to them that he's unattached when he is very attached. I feel that texting is also cheating because he shouldn't be giving out his number if I'm not giving mine out. Yes, some numbers were given a while back but it doesn't matter. My problem now is that I'm so insecure about the things he says and does. I'm starting to doubt what he tells me and the stories he has to make to get the girls to believe that he was truly single and available. I told him that what if he doesn't stop this flirting and keeps inviting them to go out and they eventually give in, then what? He said nothing will happen because his place is messy and he lives near relatives and has no money to do anything and no time to do anything.
I get to see him on most of my days off. I don't feel I can trust him completely because I'm starting to wonder what he is doing when I'm not there and who he's texting or calling or chatting or doing online. He doesn't know anything of what I've told you. I fear this relationship is distancing with his continuous flirting. I'm very insecure at the moment and trying to be strong and hope for it to stop. I'm hoping he'll listen to my cry about it causing chaos for us, but I don't know if that'll happen. He seems to love me. He treats me right with no signs of distancing.
I know I'm a nice person and give too much but he really is a good person. He just has this awful secret life that he doesn't see it being a big deal because he's not doing any act of cheating. My thoughts on that is that he is cheating on me if he's flirting to another woman; texting with invitations to go and do things; talking sexy and having flirtatious conversations with them when he should be doing that with me. Am I wrong on this? If he isn't cheating on me and the flirting is just innocent, how do you explain calling it not cheating when he's enjoying the conversation? I'm at a loss. I've haven't been eating or sleeping enough. The only time I do get to sleep is when I'm next to him or home and he's doing what he's supposed to do at home instead of flirting with girls. However, I can't vouch for that either. I desperately need help and advice. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to give up. I don't want to fight or argue. I just want him to stop and let us move on. I'm willing to forgive but I can't forget. I don't even know how much I can trust him now. I have all these thoughts running through my mind and they're driving me insane. Sometimes I wish I was dead because he's hurting me and not even knowing it. I've been hurt before with another ex dating and sleeping with everyone he met. However, I didn't find out until it was already over. I don't want it to happen again. I'm tired of being cheated on. One too many times and didn't even know that was happening. They say, why do good guys always end up last . . . well, why do good girls always end up last and losing the battle? I don't understand. Please help me.
ANSWER: When you go out with him, does he flirt in front of you with other girls? If he does, dump him, because flirting with other girls when a guy is dating a girl is inconsiderate and disrespectful of his date.
If he doesn’t, then he at least understands that much.
Our concern here, of course, is not the casual glance, or the smile at the wrong time, or innocent conversation. He is engaged in an extreme form of flirting that should not be tolerated.
Give him a good talking to. If he is so unaware of how wrong he is, he needs a good talking to. When you talk to him, ask him if he would flirt with other women in front of you. If he says yes, get rid of him. If he says no, ask him if he would flirt with other women behind your back. If he says yes, tell him that doing it behind your back is just as bad as doing it in front of you. If he doesn’t understand, or tries to weasel his way out of it, you should dump him because he does not respect you enough.
If he says he would not flirt with women behind your back, he’s lying to you. Can he be so stupid? No. His answer is not the truth because he’s been doing it behind your back since March. That’s the point of your question. You are not wrong in worrying about it. His behavior is thoroughly inconsiderate and disrespectful to you. Tell him if he doesn’t stop it right away, for good, you don’t want his flirting rear-end any more. Be sure he stops, and stick to your guns – don’t let him weasel out of it.
You love him and he’s a good guy. If he deserves your love and is a good guy, he should see how hurtful he is to do this behind your back or in front of you. It makes no difference that they don’t come to the house or go out with him. His behavior hurts you, and you have good reason to feel hurt. He should know better.
Wizard
August 7, 2008
Question: My boyfriend and I have been going out for a year. Well now I can say my ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me like 10 minutes after I spent time with him. Should me and him get back together and work things out?
ANSWER: Maybe. That depends on what both of you think about what happened. If whatever happened in ten minutes sufficiently establishes for either one of you that the relationship is doomed to failure, then no, you shouldn’t bother. But if you both still feel some hope, and if both of you want to try to revive it, do it.
Wizard
August 7, 2008
Question: Dear Wizard, My boyfriend is unemployed and has a child with another woman. He currently is not even able to meet the small payment of $100 a month that is his child support payment. I am attracted to him and our relationship as friends first is good, but when I think of the future I don't really know if it will be a fair effort on both our parts. He will not go out of his way to give me a ride if I need one, or to do much of anything for me. And though he seems nice, marriage and kids seem to be something that might not happen unless I am superwoman and can buy us a house and pay for hospital bills and the expense of a kid. It is kind of a stifling feeling to know if I want a future, I must alone carve the path for us both. He seems capable of doing more than he currently is but on the other hand, I feel my expectations in life have fallen and I am starting to accept a lower standard of living. I live in a town that is small and offers little opportunity and I feel I have so much potential yet I'm living in a trailer park struggling. I'm kind of looking his direction though I have a hard time speaking my mind, but I think he just doesn’t care if we get anywhere in life at all. Should I move on?
ANSWER: If he is unable to work and can’t afford his child support, he is indeed in a rut, and you might find yourself living in the same rut. Your potential is well beyond what he in his situation can offer. Break away from that mess, find your own employment, and keep trying to find something better in life.
The combination of a stifling feeling while bound to a lower standard of living, struggling to pay bills while trying to get ahead, and not finding opportunities that match your potential, is a big warning that you must find new surroundings, new people, and new opportunities. Start exploring ways to move into a bigger community with more opportunity. Your question does not indicate your age, nor how you may be tied to your community and unable to leave. The younger you are, the easier it will be for you to get up and go. If you are over, say, 40 years old, it still is not too late. Be creative (look for new things), adventurous (take some risks), open-minded (meet new people and learn new things), and ready to spend some energy (and time).
Wizard
August 6, 2008
Question: Hi ya, my problem is that I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and I can't bring myself to dump him. I fell out with all my uni mates, partly because I took his side in a row, and so I have been so lonely that I just stuck it out. He moved 300 miles away just to move into a flat with me as I had nowhere to live after falling out with those housemates.
Thing is, he is hopeless and I feel so sorry for him. We were so poor that after paying rent we only ever had about £10 a week left that somehow had to cover bills, food and bus fare. As a student I should have been having the time of my life, but he works in a low paid job so we have really struggled.
I moved out and now I'm living in student accommodation from September. But since I’ve been home for the summer, I’m looking at my old school mates and missing that young, carefree lifestyle. I feel old and married, worrying about bills and his debt that really isn’t my problem.
We argue a lot. He is quite possessive, but he tries convincing me he’s changed since we met, as he used to be sexist and jealous. But I don’t know if I believe it. He is flat sharing at the moment and doesn’t have a penny for food. So I'm worried sick about him.
How can I dump him when he is living so far away from home and in so much trouble?
Part of me worries I am heartless because I met a lad I used to know the other night. We have so much in common. He's a normal 21 year old working as an electrician and we flirted like crazy. I’ve always liked him and now we are texting and talking about meeting up.
My boyfriend, however, would be devastated. He has my laptop at his house and I don’t know how to get it back. I’m terrified if I dump him he will tell my parents stuff about me, get violent, or just do something awful. He can get very angry as he has been hurt a lot in the past.
I just don’t know what to do. I'm in a real state! If you can give me any advice, I would be so grateful! Thanks.
ANSWER: He’s got you laden down with all kinds of burden. You’re worrying about his debts, whether he can afford food, whether he will be devastated if you dump him, whether you can get your computer back, whether you are being heartless to be interested in another guy, and whether he’ll do something awful when he’s dumped. Whew, that’s enough already.
The sooner he’s found another person to load up with worries, the better off you will be. You should be having fun and you should feel free to meet up with the new lad.
Now that you are at a greater distance, it will be easier for you to dump him. First, however, can you trust him with a small amount of money? If you can, send him enough money to pack and ship your computer back. If available in his area, you can avoid sending him money if he can send it to you with you paying for shipping on arrival at your door-step.
After that, slow down and shorten the communications. Tell him you’re out if he wonders what you’re doing. Go have some fun and turn your life away from his worries. He’s young with a lot of life ahead of him. He’ll survive the dump just fine. If he doesn't, or can't , he's got much bigger problems than you or anyone else can solve
Wizard
August 6, 2008
Question: Hi, I'm 21 and I've been dating my 22 year old boyfriend for about 3 years. We do not live together. We actually still both stay with our parents. But the problem is lately he has really been upset with me because I will not clean his room. Why he feels this is my responsibility is unknown. Especially since I keep none of my belongings there and always dispose of my trash. Although, he did say he feels that that’s what "real women" are supposed to do for their men. I have honestly cleaned his room before about 3 times and not long after each time his room was back to looking like a trash dump. This has been coming up as arguments a lot lately and it seems we are really disagreeing on this. I really love him but don’t see why he can’t clean his own room. The point is I’m fed up and need to know: Should I just give up on him totally due to our opposing views and dump him? Or is it something a girlfriend is supposed to do for her man although he lives with his mom?
ANSWER. The only reasons any person would clean up after another person, regardless of gender, are when one is paid to do it as part of an employment, or when one wants to be of help and do something for another.
You should never – ever – feel it is your place, because you are a woman, to clean up – or cook, or have sex, or do the wash, or sweep the steps, or serve food or drink, or do anything. Whatever you do, you do it because you decide to do it, for a legitimate reason.
Your boyfriend, if he was serious, is past left field and up somewhere in the out-a-here sphere. If he was serious, leave him up there and go get another guy who respects you as a whole person.
Wizard
August 5, 2008
Question: Your advice is so eye opening. Thank you.
I understand friendship is the remedy right now. I am wondering though if it is the right thing to look at a person as "this is what I feel for right now and until something else comes along..." although I read that right now and know that cannot be correct. I am just really burnt by men lately after having a recent emotional explosion on this OTHER guy who was my friend but used to be more than. It was something that needed to happen and has made me stronger. BUT recent events with the present boy situation are interesting.
The boy I am supporting right now recently lost his job to alcohol. I had told you before about his complications with a depression drug and his realizing he is abusing alcohol. He was doing good for almost 3 weeks but relapsed and drank on a lunch break at work. He has already jumped into AA meetings and is staying with his family right now to get through this. He is definitely catching this early because it was becoming a big problem only 4 months ago. He regrets much as of recent and he is so frustrated because he doesn't know why he does it and is shocked because he used to look at alcoholics and think "why can't they just get their life straight." With all this said I am stunned by how much he is more himself now than he ever has been. He is talking to me more openly and I feel like I am meeting him for the first time. I am seeing someone who used to be so much more motivated and just got lost suddenly. BUT I struggle with the idea that I want to hug him and see him and hold his hand. Yet, I know tough love is what he will gain independence through.
We recently laughed together on the phone and it was so genuine and real that I wanted to say, "I love you." What is going on in my head?! I am confused. I think I am right in thinking right now that I do not need any sort of man in my life right now, BUT I don't need to be thinking that I am waiting to see what will happen as he recovers. I'm a little nervous that I am holding on to him and looking for no other option. I want to ask him if I am still his number one girl. I just want us. I want him to get back to himself fast but I am keeping strong self-control and patience. I can't be selfish. What's going on with me?
I just need to focus on my life and be a friend for a long time right now, right? What are some things I need to think about when thoughts of him and me together pop into my head?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
ANSWER: Don’t fight them. It is okay to dream, to imagine, to speculate, and to fantasize. If thoughts of him and you together give you a sense of hope, or peace, or calmness as you care for him, welcome the thoughts to compensate for the efforts you have put into caring for him. If in time all goes so well that some of those thoughts become real, you will have time then to see if he is the same guy you perceive he is now. Or he may be even better. Or he may not be worth it. Time gives you perspective to see the whole picture in clear vision.
Your thoughts of you and him together are healthy and normal – let them come and go as they do without resisting them. Over time, as you compare those thoughts with reality, you will know how real or unreal they are. Focus on your life and be a friend, but don’t feel you need to constrict yourself so much that you can’t imagine how it could be, or will me, or may never be. Let time do its work for his recovery and for your discovery of what his relationship really means to you. Be cautious. While cautious, you can watch, think, imagine, and discover.
Wizard
August 4, 2008
Question: Heya, there's this boy called Joey and he really likes me. He buys me lots of presents and sends me flowers, but I don't like him at all. He's sweet, but not good looking. He asked me out but I said no, so he sent me flowers asking again. I still refused, but lately at my best friend’s sleepover, he started sending me texts calling me sexy and perfect, which makes me uncomfortable. I agreed to go out with him just for the summer, but now I deeply regret it because he's sending me texts saying that he loves me and he's already told everyone including his mum and dad.
What should I do?
Question: Don’t accept any more dates from him. Text him back telling him that you enjoyed knowing him but you now want to move on to another boyfriend. Tell him that he was a nice guy and someone else will like him a lot more, but that you decided to move on and date other people. He’ll get over it, hopefully, and his mum and dad will be fine too.
Wizard
August 4, 2008
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 months now. He seemed really sweet and caring when I met him but now he is getting very obsessive. If I talk to a boy friend without including him in the conversation, he starts shouting at me. I don't want to have a boyfriend that keeps doing that, but he is always telling me he loves me and making me feel bad because I know he likes me A LOT.
ANSWER: The question is not how much he likes you. The question is how much you like him. If he does things that you don’t like, and doesn’t change or stop, he is not the right one for you, no matter how much he likes you.
Wizard
August 3, 2008
Question: I am dating a younger man, 13 years younger. He never touches me in public, keeps me a secret at work, goes out with his friends often, and sees me alone once a week. He did introduce me to his friends but has made no comments on their thoughts. He tells me he cares about me a lot and has a hard time with his emotions. I care about him, but I feel am not a big priority to him. What should I do? He does not want me to date anyone else romantically but is not giving me much attention on his own. Help.
ANSWER: Your maturity level is different. His needs don’t match yours. The younger you both are, the greater his needs will be from yours. If he is, say, 19, and you are 32, you should give it up. He’ll always be thinking and wanting differently from you, so differently that the relationship is statistically doomed. If he is 30 and you are 43, some differences will matter but they can be overcome.
One cannot give sound advice not knowing the real ages, but one must surmise your relationship is headed for failure, eventually, if he is not a very mature young man, and he is likely not that. No surprise at all if he expects you to satisfy his needs while his view of need does not include him satisfying your needs. If this is correct advice, you will find more satisfaction dating someone closer to your age.
Wizard
August 3, 2008
Question: I met him on the internet. He is everything he said he was. Turns out he just didn't mention that he lives in a nudist park, lives in an RV, makes his living with odd jobs, and has rotten teeth. He has a college degree, but never followed through with career plans. He is a very low achiever, seems to think I'm the cats meow, and is kind and considerate.
ANSWER: You’ve got to see ‘em and know ‘em before you get too close.
Well, he lives in the elements, inside and out. If a low achiever, he’s a good judge of character because he thinks you’re the cat’s meow. He’s kind and considerate, and that gives him big gold stars on the forehead. Living in an RV is okay for some people – it moves, so you can travel. “Odd jobs” is all some people can do, and for some people it’s the best choice on how to spend a working day.
Anyhow, knowledge is everything. The internet will never replace face-to-face meetings with a soon-to-be boyfriend.
Wizard
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