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December 29, 2005
Question: I've been seeing this gut for about 4 weeks, and i feel it is time for me to make a decision as to whether or not i should continue. The thing is, certain dates he seems very into me and other times he's very aloof. It is quite confusing because i really like him, but if he is gonna be so "i'm into you then well maybe I'm not so into you" then I can't see myself continuing on with it. I really do like him. He's a great cook, he's funny, charming and very hot. I just don't know what to do. Can you help?
ANSWER: An editor almost changed “gut” to “guy” thinking this was a typographical error, until she read that he is a great cook, and then decided it might have been your intention to say “gut.”
The wizard presumes, for this answer, that “gut” was intended to be “guy.”
You are getting confusing messages from the guy. From the text of your message, it sounds like he is confused, not you. You should talk to him on one of those times when he seems into you and tell him about the times when he seems aloof.
Listen carefully to how he responds. If he gives a plausible and apologetic answer, then you should stay with him and watch to see if the aloofness fades away. If, for any reason, he remains aloof too often (and that might be any number more than once, in the wizard’s opinion, unless some horrible tragedy has overcome his feelings), you should dump him.
Wizard
December 29, 2006
Question: i have been dating this guy for a year and a half. he is not yet divorced. he did file a year and a half ago. he does not treat me as good as he used to. says he is all messed up. but he wont break up with me. he told me he wanted to be w me forever. now he acts as though i am a stranger off the street.
ANSWER: You need to turn away and find another. He need not break up with you because you must break up with him.
The path you are on is a dead-end. Couldn’t you see the DEAD END sign when you learned he was married?
Forgetting that – notice how selfish this awful goy (man without goickles) is. He’s of no use to any woman worth her salt. Unfortunately for you, you are his latest goy toy.
Never pick a married man for a date. And even more important, never allow a married man to pick you for a date.
Wizard
December 28, 2005
Question: I am dating someone who I feel I am giving more to the relationship than he is. I have dated him for 6 months. He seems to want a commitment but he doesnt feel it takes work and input on both parts. I at least feel that way.
ANSWER: Certainly both dating partners must work and give both ways – it is a relationship of giving and receiving – a product of mutual benefit and fun.
If he cannot meet your expectations, a dump should be a serious consideration.
Wizard
December 22, 2005
Question: I can't decide if i want to dump my boyfriend Tom or not. You see the first two weeks i went out with him he was so sweet...we kissed and hugged and talked on the phone. Now hes slowing slipping away from me. I love him a lot but he isnt acting like he still likes me. But i dont want to dump him because everyone else likes him and i will get jealous if he goes out with anyone else. But there is this guy Sam too. Sam is awesome but i dont know if he likes me. I dont know what i should do. Dump him and go for Sam who isnt as popular or hott as Tom...or stick with Tom and be unhappy but have a totally gorgeous boyfriend who i have kissed and stuff. HELP ME!
ANSWER: Unhappiness and fun dating do not exist together. If you will be unhappy dating Tom, you should go for Sam. If Sam works out, surely you will not be jealous about someone else dating Tom. And if Sam doesn’t work out, another will cross your path and you’ll be fine.
Wizard
December 21, 2005
Question: The guy talks over me and on our first date and now second, has asked me to split the check with him... I think that's just bad manners and possible grounds for dumping. What say you, oh Wizard?
ANSWER: In the dating world a well-known and much followed custom requires the guy to pay the check. For those who follow that custom, it is indeed bad manners. Not everyone follows it, however. If he doesn’t, he might have done better if he had raised the subject delicately with you before the date cost money. If he did, perhaps it would have done him no good, but he would have given you the courtesy of knowing what’s coming.
Talking over you is bad manners anywhere. The wizard thinks the guy is about to find out what bad manners bring.
Remember: Things that happen, like bad manners, certainly are grounds for dumping, but you dump him only if you want to. Some people work through these things by talking about them; some people don’t talk about them and dump right away. It depends on how ready you are to dump – how many other good qualities that guy might have, whether they are enough to redeem the bad qualities, and whether the guy is able and willing to adjust to some of your preferences to make him more attractive to you. All kinds of things impact on whether you will dump him. Anything at all that makes you uncomfortable is good reason to dump. The ultimate question is always, Do you want to dump him?
Wizard
December 15, 2005
Question: I've been out with this guy four times and usually had a great time. The conversation flows and time really flies past when i'm with him. The problem is that he is a little too shy and we haven't even really made out or anything yet. It seems weird because he calls me sweetheart (which i find kind of annoying) and compliments me a lot but then nothing. I think maybe we don't have enough chemistry or something. Do i have to tell him or can i just not return his calls? Also would it be wrong to see him once more and possibly make the first real move myself and see if that makes things between us good... such confusing territory...
ANSWER: Give him some more time. This is not a dump situation. You can tell him, or you can make the first real move yourself – however you feel most comfortable. You should return his calls. He may be a good date, maybe even a great date, if you give him some time.
Do not hurry something good. The only thing you should hurry is the end of something bad.
Calling you sweetheart is weird, though.
Wizard
December 12, 2005
Question: Ok this person is being weird. He is being overly nice and it's annoying me. He's saying i should take him everywhere and I don't want to. And he made my friends ditch me!! What should I do?
ANSWER: Tell him directly, clearly, and pointedly that you want him to leave you alone. Don’t lead him to conclude anything else. Get him out and keep him out of your life.
Need a certificate? We’d like to send one to you. You certainly qualify.
Wizard
December 10, 2005
Question: he's smart, he's beautiful, he is affectionate and he wants me to meet his parents, but in the same time he never told me he loved me, he gets upset quite easily and doesn't want to talk it through and he sometimes gets so deep into computer-games that he ignores me completely for the entire day, then he acts like nothing happened. I am a virgin and he often taunts me for being too "romantic" and "innocentish" - I really don't know where he stands. What should I do? Ask him? Test him? Dump him?
ANSWER: You said he’s affectionate. What happened to that?
Smart and beautiful is good – but there is so much more to a relationship, like affection. This may be the critical mass you need but may never find in this guy. Is he affectionate or isn’t he?
Your instincts are right to wonder. Test him if you like, but you need only pay attention to how he treats you. We think if he fails your testing, or with observation you detect a dump date, he’s a dump date.
Note: Taunting is a worrisome sign, especially for being a virgin, or being romantic, or being innocentish. These are positives, not negatives. That he would taunt you for any of these is a sign that he is of mixed brain, sick and very sick. Sick because he can’t recognize elegance, grace, and beauty in a woman, and very sick because he can only see his own intelligence and good looks.
People of such mixed brain are the big, the bad, and the bugly – guys that think they’re great, think they’re God’s gift to you, and think that they’re so good looking that it’s by their grace that you date them. A nasty bug (hence bugly), indeed. Quick to bite they are (hence the taunting), but try to swat them, they hide behind their hoisted heinie.
The best test, should you decide to give him one: On one of those times when he is paying attention to you, tell him you want to sit down with him and ask him an important question. He fails right there if he does not accept. When he is ready for your question, ask him, in a tender voice (do not be angry or demanding), 1) whether he likes you to be romantic and 2) whether he likes the way you are romantic with him. If he says yes, that he likes you to be romantic, and that you are in fact terrific when you are romantic, and warms up to you, he might be all right. You’ll still need to keep your observation skills in high gear.
If he equivocates at all – that is, if he qualifies any answer, decide to dump him. Qualifying an answer would be almost anything different than the answer we just gave. Examples of equivocation: 1) He tries to define romantic. 2) He says he likes you when you are romantic in a certain way. 3) He says most of the time. 4) He says of course, can’t you see I love you? This last one is a classic. He puts the blame on you for not noticing how much he likes you (that’s true bugly behavior).
If any of these occur, or any new version (twisted or not) of equivocation occurs, he’s hiding behind his heinie.
Wizard
December 7, 2005
Question: I have been with a guy for two and a half years. We have a kid together, a house, furniture, the works. But i cant seem to stand him anymore, he is so negative and accuses me of cheating, and being distant. Also reflects on his negative past and acts as though its all my fault...what should i do?? dump him or keep him? or is there anyway to make him want to dump me??? He is completely in love with me, actually obsessive, it drives me crazy, i have tried to leave but he wont take "its over" for an answer so after days of saying it i give in and stay with him so i dont have to argue about it anymore... is there a way to get him to dump me???
ANSWER: This would be easy except for one outstanding, inescapable, and crying-out fact: You have a child with this guy.
The child is an innocent victim. Your priorities should be in this order: 1. The child’s welfare. 2. Your welfare.
The guy is the child’s father – that fact will never go away. Any decision you make should include the guy as an involved father – unless, and only unless, he is abusing the child, which is another ball of wax the wizard will not get stuck in.
Any decision the guy makes must also include the child as a first priority.
You ask: Is there a way to get him to dump me? Sure, but the wizard is unclear and doubtful that you getting dumped, or you dumping the guy, is so great an idea. Because you have a child, you should explore all options available to unhappy couples with a child in the home, options that put the child first in priority.
Wizard
December 7, 2005
Question: boyfriend is in wheelchair. cannot commit to coming to see me as he is broke and disabled. I love him. he has not called in 2 and a half weeks, because he most likely feels that he cant be here anyway, so why bother prolonging the agony.
ANSWER: No question having been asked, the wizard has two questions. Who’s agony, yours or his? If you love him, why don’t you call him?
Wizard
December 7, 2005
Question: I live with my boyfriend and who I love very much. Although he is 15 years older than me we get along great. I've dated more men than I can count and I think I've finally found a keeper. However, I just recently met someone at work who I can't stop thinking about and I think has the hots for me as well. I don't want to leave my man but I always wonder if being in this relationship is the best thing for me. I am confused.
ANSWER: The younger you are, the more you should follow your natural inclinations for the guy at work. The older you are, the more you should suppress those inclinations and hold fast with the keeper.
For illustration only, let’s look at some age ranges, knowing that abilities and maturity vary among people of the same age.
If you’re over say, 35, knowing your attraction to another man at work is inconsistent with your love for a keeper, you must look deeper at yourself to see how committed you are to the older man. You find the answer through introspection.
If you’re under say, 25, despite your experience of dating more men than you can count, you found evidence you need more experience. You date the new guy.
If you’re say, 25 to 35 years old, your decision is more difficult. If you feel committed to a keeper, you must learn to overcome hot flashes like this guy at work. If you can’t overcome them, you’re not a keeper, at least not now. In the big picture, this is quite okay.
Many would say to you, even if you are over 25 years old, if the guy is 15 years older and you are at all unsure, go with the younger guy. The guy 15 years older must understand your age and your natural inclinations.
Wizard
December 4, 2005
Question: My husband and I argue about everything. We are both unhappy with each other. I hate his sloppy ways and lack of management. He hates my need to have a clean house and plan finances. I want a partner but do not believe he can be one. He says I only want things my way.
ANSWER: Married couples should deal with their difficulties by setting up and attending counseling sessions with a marriage counselor. Divorce and separation during marriage are legal processes, not dumps.
If you were not married, all of the above would qualify for a dump. But you are not in a temporary relationship, all of which relationships end in a dump. You are in a formally recognized, ceremoniously created relationship of trust, with promises to care for each other until death! Yikes!
Much too heavy for the dumpster.
Wizard
December 1, 2005
Question: i've been going out with this guy for a month now and i care about him a whole bunch. i think i may love him but i keep thinking about my ex who broke up with me to go out with my best friend. now, my best friend, she didnt go out with him because she knew how much i really liked him, and i did like him a while bunch. we were perfect together. im just wondering, should i break up with my now boyfriend because i have these feelings for my ex??? --help me
ANSWER: Your ex broke up with you to go out with another girl. You should not dump your new boyfriend, who you care about “a whole bunch,” to go back to the guy who dumped you. That’s doing to your new boyfriend what your ex did to you, and you are putting yourself back in the same risky spot you were in before.
Unless there is something to the relationship with your ex that is not told to us here, your relationship with the new boyfriend is doing fine, and you shouldn’t end it to get back to the one who dumped you. Don’t mess with it.
Your best friend is cool to do what she did. She did it for herself as a moral person, and she did it for you so you wouldn’t feel hurt. Surely, she would not want you to pursue this guy so he can dump you again for someone less cool than your best friend.
Wizard
December 1, 2005
Question: should i dump this guy i just dont feel i love him anymore
ANSWER: Yes.
Wizard
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