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December 31, 2006
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. He bought a New Year's ticket a year ago to go to the place I used to live and did not mention this to me. There are over 60 people invited including members of my staff. They were the one's that informed me. No - he did not get me a ticket and told me that I would not have fun and it would be a waste of my time if I came. I am so mad.
ANSWER: You can ask him why, if he hasn’t already blown it totally. He probably has.
Wizard
December 30, 2006
Question: Hi. A few weeks ago I started to date this guy who has a very similar "attraction pattern" to mine: he is crazy about me when he feels that I'm not that much into him, and becomes quite cold as soon as I let my feelings grow.
The same with me: when he was cold to me, I kept dreaming about him, and as soon as he became interested - I turned cold.
Now he is in the stage of being less obsessed with me, and I feel my emotional attraction grow. What should I do?
P.S. 1st I thought he was only into this game for sex and was totally "for" a short-term gig. However he doesn't make any moves and even holds himself when I'm trying to create some sexual tension...
ANSWER: It seems incongruous at best that you would want someone who has the same attraction pattern. Every time one gets more interested, the other grows more cold. That is no way to have a fun relationship.
If he is truly becoming less obsessed with you, you will have to direct your feelings elsewhere. Find someone who responds to you with warmth, not coolness. You might notice your attraction pattern changing.
Wizard
December 29, 2006
Question: He is just way too physical and i don't really like it. Should i dump him?
ANSWER: Absolutely.
Wizard
December 29, 2006
Question: I love my boyfriend but he doesn’t tell me he loves me and would rather hang out with his friends than me! I don’t know if he even likes me. What do I do?
ANSWER: If he likes you, many subtle messages should be evident, like returning a smile to you when you look at each other, hand-holding, asking you out, sending a card or note, engaging in meaningful conversation with you, or saying he wants to be with you alone (well, maybe that is not so subtle). If all of this is lacking, you can dump him, saying you don’t think he even likes you. If he disputes that, then maybe he’ll get the message he needs to express his feelings for you more clearly (and maybe more often).
You could also send him a note. Don’t make it a love note if you don’t know his feelings. Better send him a note that says very little, but suggests the two of you should meet for a date. Check his reaction. If he’s interested, he won’t hesitate to let you know.
Wizard
December 27, 2006
Question: hi, a guy i like has been playing cat and mouse games with me. he's my single neighbor and extremely shy and raising his 13 year old daughter on his own. i am an older women doing the same thing with my 12 year old son. it's like he's always keeping tabs on me. when i do approach him to talk he gets really nervous and tells me how busy he is. i just agree with him and don't put any pressure on him. i just act like a friendly neighbor and let it go at that! i have tried hard to get over him but it's been a year and i think this game has become a habit! i feel like i'm losing my mind! what do i do? do i make a move or what?
ANSWER: Ask him over for dinner with his son, and the four of you can have a friendly chat in a non-threatening, fairly unromantic atmosphere. But with that opportunity to talk face to face, even with the two children there, it could be an ice breaker.
Wizard
December 26, 2006
Question: I used to date this younger guy. A while back he dumped me for a younger friend, whom he used to be friends with.
Since then he is dating someone else, whom he used to be friends with, but just recently, he has started calling me, again, and wants to be friends.
What do you think?
ANSWER: Be friends. As to what follows, that will still be up to you.
Wizard
December 18, 2006
Question: There's a guy who pretends not to like me, then calls me drunk to say he loves me. He's completely annoying. We don't get along well, but he decided we were best friends from day one ... 2 years ago. I barely talk to him, but he nags on. Can I get rid of him nicely?
ANSWER: Avoid him, ignore him, be unavailable. Don’t respond and don’t initiate any contact. That’s the only “nice” way to get rid of a nag.
Wizard
December 18, 2006
Question: I have been dating this guy for 5 months. We have dated previously (2 yrs ago) but not seriously and lost contact with each other until recently. We have discussed being exclusive and have mutually agreed to be for the past 3 months. When we are together, everything is amazing and feels incredible and we always have a lot of fun together. I have my doubts about his ability to be faithful; but, I have chosen to
not dwell on those thoughts and wish he would do the same. However, in the past month we have had a few arguments that seem a bit troubling. He doesn't trust me and I don't know if I want to engage in a relationship further with someone who doesn't trust me. Additionally, I want him to be honest with me regarding his feelings. I feel that he loves me, but he doesn't tell me how he feels and lately we have been fighting in the evenings about our ability to trust and be with each other. I seem to be hung up on some of his comments to me. But, it seems like he still wants to be with me and pursue this relationship.
ANSWER: To date exclusively is an old and successful way to build confidence in the quality and worthiness of the relationship and to build each date’s trust in the other. It is the most practical and useful thing a couple can do if they want their relationship to last and grow.
The best way to assure each other of your fidelity and trust is to be honest about your relationship and to be fully committed to your mutual pledge of exclusivity. That sounds like a lot of hogwash, but it is the foundation of your future. As time passes, if both of you have remained faithful, that should reinforce your trust in each other and a lot of the arguing should be gone. If not, then the relationship is doomed to fail.
Wizard
December 17, 2006
Question: I have been going out with this guy for one year and ten months now. We are 16 years old, and he has been pressuring me to have sex for a while now. I am convinced it is not what I want to do, yet he brings it up a lot of the time. Is it worth it to stay in this relationship?
ANSWER: Only if he backs off. That is, if he really backs off.
Many people, especially parents who through their experiences have gained wisdom, think sex at your age is inappropriate and not an option.
If one at your age independently and maturely thinks through these issues, the wizard considers sex indeed an option, a choice, though a dangerous choice to make for many life-changing reasons.
You chose not to have sex at your age. Every human being living in this world with wisdom agrees that you, as a young woman, made an intelligent choice about your life and body. Your boyfriend knows you made this decision. That alone should be sufficient (if he shares your maturity and good sense) to respect you for your decision and abide by it. If he doesn’t understand, he should learn from it.
If he cannot wait, this relationship is not worth it. If he keeps asking, he’s not listening and should be dumped.
Wizard
December 16, 2006
Question: Hello, I have been dating this guy for 6 yrs. We have lived together for 2 yrs and im ready to get married and then start a family in a few yrs or so. When i asked him about what his thoughts were on getting married, and if he planned on marrying me, he said of course but that the time will come. He said it will happen, when it will happen. But its been 6 yrs, so how much longer does he need??? He finished school and has started his career over a yr ago. So there’s nothing stopping him now unless he’s scared about the whole marriage thing. He said, What is the difference if we live together and bought a house together or get married? To me it matters!! I just don’t want to waste anymore years of my life if he doesn’t have any plans on marrying me. I don’t want to pressure him into marriage because that’s probably the worst thing someone can do, is force someone into marriage. I told him all this so he knows how i feel. PLEASE HELP!!!
ANSWER: A marriage is bound to fail if one is forced into it. Every dating relationship is bound to fail if it doesn’t turn into a marriage. After six years, two of which have been living together, you are quite reasonable in presenting to your boyfriend the natural prospect of marriage, and most especially if you want to start a family. If his interests are the same as yours, he should be rejoicing with you about the prospect of marriage.
Dating is not for family; marriage is. Your boyfriend now knows about your feelings and your hopes for the future of your relationship. Marriage is not a strange custom. It has been in our culture for centuries. He should be able to reckon with this development and speak frankly with you about what he thinks. If he truly wonders what is the difference, he is a brainless (and heartless) bloke.
Wizard
December 14, 2006
Question: I was wondering what you thought about a guy who is 27 that lives with his parents. I asked if he would want to find a place with me and he said that I could move in with his parents too for a while. I don't know what to think about that. He's divorced. The pursuit of anything is questionable but this one seems a little like going backwards. He can be a verbally abusive when he doesn't get his way. I just don't want to enter into anything infantile and stuck. What do you think?
ANSWER: At 27, living at home, he is financially insecure or emotionally insecure, or both. One who becomes verbally abusive when he doesn’t get his way is spoiled. Perhaps his parents dote on him and he likes it.
On the positive side, he gets along well enough with his parents to be living there and they get along with him enough to allow him to do it. Assuming his parents live as law-abiding citizens, he is probably a pretty good Joe. And they must be pretty generous if they would dote on you too, if you moved in.
Of course, the wizard cannot know the answer from the information given. But there is enough information here to support your concern. Date him because he might be okay and be cautious because he might not.
Wizard
December 12, 2006
Question: My boyfriend always locks his cell phone in his truck. One day he brought it in. So i decided to look in it and there was a text message to another girl saying he wants to be bad and what does she think of that? I’m not sure what to think about it. Should i dump him?
ANSWER: If you have had a long-term relationship with your boyfriend, you should be concerned. You will not want to tell him you looked at messages on his cell phone. Keep a close watch on him and question him about any new signs that he is seeing another girl. Or just dump him if you don’t want the worry. But if you have not been dating long, it doesn’t take much to get dumped, and you might want to do it before he does it. Watch him.
Wizard
December 10, 2006
Question: ok, my question is, should i date? or should i not?
now ive been best friends w/ this guy for years. we’re really close and we like the same things. but i’m also best friends with his sister. i don’t want to date this guy if, for some reason, it doesn’t work out and ruins the relationship between us and me w/ his sister. now i’m really confused because my feelings are mixed between friends and more than friends. but i know his are too. so i want to be sure about my feelings. so what do you think?
ANSWER: Try a few platonic dates. Go out with this guy without kissing or hugging or doing anything other than being friends. Then, if it all still seems good to you, ask him how he thinks. If he says he would like to go on dates with you, try a kiss and see how it goes. If he and you both feel excited about future dating at that point, you should then ask his sister about how a date with her brother will affect your relationship with her. Don’t leave it to him to talk to her. As a brother, he might not feel it is important, and it is not up to him anyway. You should talk to her, friend-to-friend, and see how she reacts.
She might say, “Oh, didn’t you already go on a date?” Or, “That’s fine. It doesn’t matter to me.” Answers like these are surface answers. They may be true and they may not be true. You cannot know fully. But take her at her word. Almost anything she says, if it means okay, will be an acceptable expression of approval. If she gives an exclamatory “No!” like, “No way, no way can you date my brother” or “You can’t do that,” you will need to assess how ready you are to test your relationship with her in order to date her brother.
If you are not ready to take the risk, explain to him that your affection for his sister as a good friend is too valuable for you to risk hurting that relationship. He’ll understand, and not too much will be lost because not too much got started. If you do date him, enjoy yourself and good luck!
Either way, however, do not tell him about your conversation with his sister. You can tell him about how you value her friendship without telling him about your conversation with her. Leave it to her whether she will tell him. Some day he and she are likely to talk about you and she might decide to tell him about her conversation with you. Let her do it, if she chooses to. If he later complains that you didn’t tell him, remind him of your friendship with her, and that not all things you tell your best friends should be shared with him. Say it with a friendly smile. He should be able to respect your relationship with her and accept it.
Wizard
December 7, 20006
Question: Hi. I've been going out with a guy for about 2 weeks now and I don't feel that special feeling for him anymore. I was just wondering, should I dump him?
ANSWER: If you don’t want to date him any more. Just that simple.
Usually, if you want to date a guy, it is because you feel something special. If all of that is gone, usually there is no other good reason to date him. The “special feeling” is a good measure so long as you can trust it. You might make a mistake here and there, but that will be a part of your experience, a heightening of your knowledge and know-how.
Wizard
December 5, 2006
Question: This guy I have been seeing for 4 mos. found out I went out to the Chinese restaurant with my ex. I fessed up about it. I told him I wouldn't see my ex. So that was bad on my part. My ex is one of my best friends, which was hard. Anyway, the guy I'm seeing said he hated me and that I was worthless. He also said that he was sorry that he convinced me that I was good enough to be with him because I don't deserve to be. He didn't break up with me but I think maybe I should break up with him. He sent it all in a text and all I could say was that I was shocked he would speak to me like this. Is a dump necessary? Is there a red flag waving?
ANSWER: If he meant what he said, a dump is truly necessary. If he was angry and says he is sorry, be sure he didn’t mean what he said if you stay with him. Sometimes the truth comes out in anger. An angry guy cannot hide his true emotions and thoughts as well as one who is in control of all his faculties.
The flag is red, not a cautionary yellow. Your shock at what he said is appropriate.
Wizard
December 5, 2006
Question: Me and my boyfriend ran into my ex-boyfriend last weekend. After the chance meeting my boyfriend asked me if my ex was on my mind. After spending 8 years with my ex, of course after the run in he was on my mind. I was honest and told my current boyfriend yes he was on my mind. He got so mad he told me to come get my stuff from his house. After a while he calmed down and said he was sorry. Well now I think I need to break up with him, but do not want a long drawn out confrontation. I need to pick up my stuff, but do not want him to keep me there, wanting me to explain why I am leaving. blah blah blah.
What should I say?
ANSWER: Make it short and simple. Tell him he told you to take your stuff and leave, and that is what you are doing. If he wants to talk about it, tell him you do not want a confrontation and, if he must, you can talk about it later on the telephone. Later, when he calls, you can be scarce, or you can talk about it.
Wizard
December 4, 2006
Question: I am faking being happy in a 5 year relationship that has been difficult. Right now he is being nice and I want out of this and I don't have the courage to tell him that I don't wanna be together anymore. How do I tell him that I care for him as a person but I am just not in love with him anymore. HELP !!!!!!! I can't take much more.
ANSWER: Don’t take any more. Tell him. Be flat out, up front, and straight on. Guys need to learn to take it on the chin. If he can’t, he has some growing up to do. Most guys, though sad or angry, will appreciate the honesty. Most don’t need too much to get the message.
If you lack courage because he might get angry or abusive, don’t let that hold you back from doing it. Do it from a distance, like telephone, email, or the U.S. Postal Service.
Wizard
December 3, 2006
Question: It has been 1 year since I've been with my boyfriend. We go to school together, live and work at close proximity, and see each other almost everyday. He's a bit selfish but a good guy at heart, smart, and I admire him a lot for his achievements. I think I do love him. He says he loves me all the time but recently I've been feeling very depressed.
I'm a good person and have good qualities. I don't smoke and rarely drink. I don't have many friends but I'm open and fun and love adventure. However, he loves to drink and he smokes and he's more of an indoor person. I've tried to compromise those things, but now more often I find myself home alone on weekends crying when he's out with his friends. He says things like I'm too nice and generous to a fault which makes me sad. He is
not really there for me when I need him, and asks why I don't have friends to go out with. When I get depressed and cry he says that I should see a psychologist. I think I completely changed; I was quite outgoing and cheerful before I met him. I suddenly feel like I don't have any friends besides him, and not much of life outside him. I don't know if he is the problem. We've gone through a lot of drama and hurt each other's feelings. We broke up a few times briefly and then again 6 months ago for 2 months...But there are really good times, when we are together.
ANSWER: You are a good person. You must be proud that you are “nice and generous to a fault.” If this leads you to sadness, something is fundamentally wrong. Get rid of the drama and stop hurting each other’s feelings. Stop relying on him for your social life. Get back to friends and the outgoing and cheerful person that you really are, that you were before you got mired in your boyfriend’s life.
See how it goes with a substantial break. If it goes well, he can reassess who he is and what he wants, and you will know who you are and what you want, and then each of you will finally be able to decide who to date based on who you are and what you want. In other words, get your life back, then make a decision about your next relationship.
Wizard
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