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December 28, 2008
Question: Hello, just to clarify, I was the one who wanted advice about my boyfriend and I. You wrote on Dec 17, i.e.: My boyfriend and I broke up last March. He moved and went back to his ex wife. He has 6 kids with 3 babies, moms including me. etc. Well, the ex that tells me things is an EX girlfriend, not a baby’s mom. She’s this girl who I when my boyfriend and I are out together and I am trying to talk to him, he'll just stand and look at her. Once she was talking to a guy and my boyfriend got very moody and pissy. After the club she was walking with her friends and a guy, my boyfriend was calling her in Spanish (I don’t know one word of Spanish) and trying to fight the guy. Why would he CARE!!?? He’s been busted calling her. He denies it when I ask him.
She doesn’t want anything to do with him. I know since he's moved out of state to his ex-wife, he still calls this ex girlfriend. I’ve also learned he left messages at her work, left notes on her car, voice mail, etc. He says he still loves me, but when I see her it does hurt.
She sometimes sees me and doesn’t even acknowledge me. She is very pretty, always is surrounded by her friends, and seems happy. Once she did tell me “to let me know that he was calling trying to see her when he was in town and wanted her to pick him up and stay at her house. She refused.” Just letting me know because she doesn’t want anything to do with him, because of the way he treated me. She’s “better and above that.” She did also tell me to think of my kids. My older child, who is 6, hates him. My boyfriend has sometimes punished him harshly, but my son’s father is a crackhead.
I have 4 children with 4 different men and it is total drama. My family hates him. So do many of my friends. When my ex and I broke up I started messing with my ex's ex-boyfriend. He told me a lot about her and I even check her blog every day.
I’m confused. He is abusive, has broke my nose before, and always cheats on me, but when we are good it’s great. He is almost forty. His ex girlfriend said he acts like a spoiled little kid going from female to female, using and getting what ever he can manipulate out of us. Is she just mad because he doesn’t want her? She told me she wouldn’t sell herself short being with him because look at the way he treats me. I really don’t know. Sometimes I think that she has it better than me. She has no strings. She's left the drama behind. Please help!
ANSWER: Thank you for the more detailed information.
You should not be confused. He abuses you and broke your nose. Cut the strings and put the drama behind you. Follow the advice of his ex. She is right – you should listen to her and follow her advice. Think of your children and you. He belongs in someone else’s nightmare, not yours.
Wiz
December 28, 2008
Question: Ok, so I’m only 16 and I have been with the same guy for two years and a month. I love him, I really do. But I'm so young. And on top of that I want to get in church and get right and he doesn't support me in that decision at all. And to make it worse, there is a cute guy that goes to my newly found church and I think he might be into me too. What Do I do?
ANSWER: You do what you want to do. Go to the new church and get all the benefit from it you seek. If your guy is unhappy with that, do it anyway, because whether you go to church and where you go to church (along with just about everything else), is up to you, not him.
If you meet the cute guy that you think might be into you too, well that makes a good match.
Wiz
December 24, 2008
Question: I have been dating this 59 year old for 8 months. He went to visit his brother over Christmas . . . leaving the plans that we had made. I understand that he wishes to build a relationship with his brother and his brother paid for the trip, but come on! Christmas. He appears to be rather selfish . . . a lot of good qualities though. But for Christmas, I received a poinsettia the size of a tree and pictures of him in a frame. What is this?
Answer: Your age is unclear. If you were his age, you probably would not mind. Sensing that you are much younger, you will learn that guys of that age think differently than people, say, under 40.
All of what you describe is quite normal for a guy that age. Family relations that went sour need to be improved. Christmas is a good holiday for that. A big poinsettia represents his magnanimous care for you. He intends you to remember him fondly – hence the portrait.
If you continue to date him, other peculiarities will arise. You can pin them to his age, not so much to him alone. Examples of peculiarities of older guys are: 1) unwilling to change or test new things; 2) irritable if he doesn’t get what he wants when he wants it; 3) tells stories from his brazen youth and often exaggerates; 4) attempts to impart to you his wisdom; 5) family hang-ups; 6) covetous of time; and 7) mixed or complicated loyalties. Some of the better qualities are: 1) unselfish (unlike your guy) if he really likes you; 2) inquisitive in a docile, friendly way; 3) forgiving; 4) willing to make substantial sacrifices for loved ones; and 5) intensely loyal if his commitment is solid.
Every guy is different, of course. Your guy might show some of these qualities and maybe not. One thing is sure, dating older guys is strangely different. It requires a unique personality to overlook weirdness and be able to exercise patience and tolerance consistently.
Wiz
December 17, 2008
Question: My boyfriend and I broke up last March. He moved and went back to his ex wife. He has 6 kids with 3 babies, moms including me. I have 3 other children besides our daughter. They all have their own dads. I have never been married. He and I have had an on-and-off relationship over the last 4 years. We have fought SO many times over him and other women, one (his ex) in particular. I have busted him on MANY occasions calling, talking to other females. Some of his ex girlfriends tell me that he does call them wanting to get back together. He denies it when I ask him. He says he loves me and misses me. I have been seeing other guys but I still think of him a lot. He yells at me, calling me names when he found out I was seeing different people. His ex doesn’t want anything to do with him. Once she came up to me “to let me know that he was calling trying to see her when he was in town.” She said she was just letting me know because she doesn’t want anything to do with him, because of the way he treated me. She’s “better and above that.” He is coming back. I always think of the quote, “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours; if it doesn't, it never was.” She said I should think of my kids and stop putting myself and my children through this. She said he has no where else to go. Do you think she’s right, or just hating because he chose me?
ANSWER: It is hard to know. He has children all over the place, and their moms. His allegiance seems to be divided into too many places and people.
He probably does love you and miss you, at least to the extent he has the capacity to love and miss someone. His intentions may be good, but they are not reliable.
The motivations of the ex are too unclear. She might at times dislike you and wish to create trouble for you. However, as a woman with children, and sharing your experience with this guy, at other times she probably does feel sorry for you and feel concern for you.
The wiz thinks she is trying to be genuine. How right she is depends on facts not known from your question. No one can know for sure if she is right, except maybe the guy, but again his sense of things may not be reliable.
In any event, whatever the intent, she was not far off. When she said you should think of your kids and stop putting yourself and the children through this, she showed wisdom and a good, earthy understanding. You should think of your children and yourself first. Put their health and happiness first, then think of yourself, and make your decisions. Don’t worry about him. Worry about the children and you.
If you love him, don’t let him go. Take him back. If you don’t love him, don’t bother the children and yourself with his troubles. You are the mother of one of his children. So you will be good to him and welcome involvement with his child, but you should always make your decisions based on the health and happiness first of your children, and second of you, and him maybe third. If the children and you love him, he should be more than welcome.
Wiz
December 16, 2008
Question: I’m in a pretty "sticky" situation. I’m a freshman (never had a boyfriend or a first kiss) in high school and there’s this guy (a sophomore) in my spanish class who likes me. He’s always nice to me, and sometimes starts flirting. We sit next to each other so he always talks to me. He'll ask me out any day now, and I need to know if should turn him down or give him a chance. I like his personality. He’s a real sweet guy. But my friends are against us having a romantic relationship, and they have some pretty good reasons: 1) he’s in a gang; 2) he deals drugs; 3) he cuts school/classes; 4) lives in one of the worst neighborhoods in the city (mine’s also very rundown, but his is much worse, so it could get very dangerous if I decide to hang out with him); 5) he’s a big guy (tall, lots of muscle), so my friends think that he might "rape" me; 6) they also think he could be a player; and 7) he’s butt ugly (but I’m willing to look past that).
But my friends don’t really know him. They only saw him a few times, yet I talk to him everyday. Even though the odds are stacked up against us, I know he would never try to hurt me physically. And I know he’s not a player since he’s pretty shy and doesn’t talk to a lot of girls.
I know he’s not the safest person (he’s in a gang), and he’s not the hottest looking guy, but should that stop me from giving him a chance? He’s nice and has a sweet personality once you get to know him.
I don’t know if I should follow my heart or my head. My heart is telling me to give him a chance. My head is telling me to find a "safer" guy since I've never had a boyfriend before.
ANSWER: Follow your head. You can be friendly at school as an acquaintance, but keep your distance. Here is the primary reason, and especially for this reason: He deals drugs. If he continues doing that, his existence is a steady path to trouble that you do not want. It is so bad, it could drag your warm and friendly heart into the murky mud, and hold you there, until you suffocate into lifeless form.
All of the other items you list are potentially a problem, but need not be, including membership in a gang. Yes, most “negatives” can be overcome and even the sweetest guys live in rough neighborhoods and become involved with “urban” life.
But a guy who deals drugs is a guy who spreads mayhem and havoc. He cripples and maims. He enables self-destruction. He deserves no pity. He cannot earn or deserve your love, because he ignores the love and goodwill that makes a community. He chides it and over-rides it with a selfish, hateful, demented occupation.
You may like him – but you don’t know him. He may have a soft underside, but you will see the hard, brutal, irresponsible exterior long before you can ever know his underside. Do not say he knows not what he does. He does know.
Perhaps he does not deal drugs. If so, all the above is quite possibly untrue. That, to the wiz, is the one critical factor you must know more about, if you have any doubt. All of the biting remarks are due to the one and only factor, that he deals drugs. If he does, he is a menace and can destroy your life.
Wiz
December 16, 2008
Question: I’m in love with this guy, but I don't think he loves me as much I love him. We were mates for ages and then one day out of the blue he told me that he thought he loved me. I asked him if he meant it and he was like, “Of course I did. I would not have said it otherwise.” It took me a while to tell him that I felt the same way, but I did finally tell him.
I always felt that I was the one who was trying to push the relationship forward because I was always the one calling him and texting him, etc. I even used my landline to call him and got into loads of trouble! Hmm, so yeah, mum and dad found out quite a few times and weren’t too happy, because they felt he was too old for me (he’s like 3 years older) and he wasn’t the right guy for me. I promised them I would stop talking to him, but I couldn’t stop myself.
Recently, he’s not been talking to me as much, and to make things worse, my dad threatened him. =| Now he’s not talking to me at all. I really thought that he was the perfect guy for me. I’m soo scared of losing him. I really do love him. All my friends think I should dump him, that he’s not worth it. What do I do?
ANSWER: Scared of losing him? Hmmm. What will happen if you do lose him? Will you be lonely and unhappy the rest of your life and turn into a spinster without roses? Be assured. Life is not so dramatic for most of us, including you. He is like a tasty cream puff. It would be good, but if you miss it, it will be taken up by somebody else and you’ll have a good dessert another day. If you do grab it, look out. It will taste good and be gone. Or if you try to keep it too long, it will turn rancid and smell – and then it will be bad for you.
If you are in your middle teens or, worse, younger, listen to your parents and friends. Sometimes people who love you can see the picture better than you. The three year age difference can make a huge difference at younger ages, and the risks of dating someone who might take advantage of you are high.
If you are older, your decision will be based on real facts, not infatuation. If he loves you, and you love him, that is a powerful force that no one can disturb, unless they know something you don’t. At older ages, you’ll probably know what you are getting into.
At younger ages, you don’t know, and you are better off taking good advice from caring parents and, yes, even friends. By the way, the younger you are, the more likely the guy who you think is the perfect guy for you, is not the perfect guy for you.
Enjoy yourself dating. Lot’s of guys will meet the requirements of a “perfect guy.” Almost all of them aren’t, but you’ll enjoy them and learn from your disappointments. As with desserts. Try them. Find out what you like. Learn about them, enjoy them, and move on. When you get older, guys will offer more substance and you’ll get more in return. Love is a beautiful gift of life. Be patient and cautious. It is worth waiting for and rarely appears in genuine form until you are older.
Wiz
December 16, 2008
Question: I have been dating a guy for a year now. About two months ago he got a text from a number that wasn't stored in his phone. I asked him who it was and he told me she was a girl we both knew, but they have never really hung out unless we are in a group. So a few days went by and I asked him if he was still talking to her. He said no. He was lying. It has been about 1 month and I found out that they are texting again. I asked him if he had talked to her and he lied right to my face and said no. What should I do??
ANSWER: If he is indeed lying, tell him you don’t like to be lied to. Tell him this is bad enough to destroy a relationship, specifically your relationship with him. If he will lie about this, he will lie about other things.
At the same time, he’ll answer that you aren’t his mother and you aren’t married to him. He’ll say it is none of your business unless he is dating her, which he is not.
You will respond that he doesn’t need to be dating for it to be wrong. Girls are forbidden territory if he has any romantic interest in you.
It could be the source of a break-up, or not. It is up to you to decide how much importance you place on this recent diversion. He might want to stay diverted or it could be a simple and innocent mistake. Forgive him if he agrees that he shouldn’t lie to you again. Don’t forgive him if he says, “Okay, then, I’ll tell you the truth. She’s hot and I want to get to know her better.”
Wiz
December 14, 2008
Question: MY BOYFRIEND WHOM I LOVE VERY MUCH HEARS FROM A MALE FRIEND EVERY DAY. TELEPHONE CALLS, TEXT MESSAGES, AND EMAILS. THE OUT OF STATE FRIEND RECENTLY VISITED FOR 5 DAYS. USUALLY I TALK AND SEE MY BOYFRIEND EVERY DAY. THIS TIME I WAS ONLY INVITED OVER FOR ONE DAY SUPPOSEDLY BECAUSE HIS FRIEND ASKED TO SEE ME. DURING THE VISIT I ONLY HEARD FROM MY BOY FRIEND IF I CALLED HIM FIRST.
I HAVE ASKED HIM IF HE IS GAY AND HE SAYS NO. BUT, HE AND FRIEND TALK ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS WHEN THEY COMMUNICATE REGARDING THEMSELVES, INCLUDING **** ********* AND ***********. ISN'T THIS JOKING A LITTLE TOO FAR?
HE NEVER INITIATES SPEAKING SEXUALLY TO ME OVER THE PHONE. WHEN WE GO ON VACATION MY BOYFRIEND TALKS TO HIM. WHEN WE EAT MEALS MY BOYFRIEND TALKS TO HIM. WHEN HE WORKS OUTSIDE IN HIS GARDEN HE TALKS TO HIM. WHEN WE ARE AT A RESTAURANT FOR DINNER HE TALKS TO HIM. WHENEVER HE CALLS MY BOYFRIEND IS THERE FOR HIM.
FOR EXAMPLE, IN MY PRESENCE, HE IS LYING DOWN IN MY BED AT MY APARTMENT TALKING ON HIS CELLPHONE WITH THIS GUY. HE TELLS HIM, "I'M HERE **********MY *****. DOES THAT MAKE ME GAY?"
I HAVE BEEN VERY UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT THIS PART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP EVER SINCE WE STARTED GOING OUT. THERE ARE PORN SITES WITH WOMEN AND PICTURES OF HUNDREDS OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ON HIS COMPUTER, BUT I THINK THESE ARE A COVER UP FOR HIS REAL FEELINGS. HE SAYS HE LOVES ME, BUT I THINK THE WAY HE ACTS WITH THIS GUY IS THE WAY HE SHOULD BE ACTING WITH ME. THE PART THAT BUGGED ME AND STILL BUGS ME IS THE FACT THAT ONE TIME WHEN WE FIRST STARTED GOING OUT, WE WERE MAKING LOVE AND THIS GUY CALLED. MY BOYFRIEND ANSWERED HIS CALL. ALSO, HE EMAILS HIM ON HIS I TOUCH. BY THE WAY HIS OUT OF STATE FRIEND GOT MARRIED ALMOST 9 MONTHS AGO AND HAS A WIFE IN MED SCHOOL. I AM SURE SHE WOULD NOT BE TOO CONCERNED. SHE IS TOO BUSY ON HER 36 HOUR ROTATION.
IF NOT SEXUALLY GAY, IT FEELS TO ME THAT HE MIGHT BE EMOTIONALLY. THIS GUY CONTACTS HIM CONSTANTLY. I AM AT A LOSS OF WHAT TO DO. I GUESS YOU GATHERED THAT I WISH I MIGHT NOT HAVE TO BREAK UP. I CAN CHANGE ME BUT I CANNOT CHANGE HIM. IS IT POSSIBLE FOR THEM TO BE GOOD FRIENDS AND NOT BE GAY? I AM NOT SURE WHAT TO DO.
ANSWER: It is possible he is not gay. That doesn’t mean he isn’t. Regardless of whether he is gay, anyone dating him would be concerned about the crude content and the frequency of his conversations with this out-of-state mystery man. You cannot change him. Do you want to change yourself to accept this behavior? You are dubious about it, at least, are you not?
If the language you use is not yours, but his, dump him. Let him get his kicks with mystery man, and find a guy who will dismiss guys as plainly superfluous when he is with you.
If the language is yours, you’ve got some thinking to do about yourself – but the wiz takes the language as true and original from the boyfriend.
Wiz
December 5, 2008
Question: He missed my birthday because I was celebrating it at a "yuppy bar." He says "ain't" in front of my parents. He gives the fabulous meals I cook him an A-."minus because there's always room for improvement." He told me not to pull an all-nighter for finals because it wasn't good for me. I would "get bags under" my eyes. He just wrote on his ex's wall and recently befriended 8 girls in 3 days on facebook-no idea where or how he's meeting them. He'll be spending his vacation from work on a weeklong trip to Wyoming with work buddies. I do all the work in bed. I have random guys tell me I'm beautiful every time I go out and he has told me so twice (one of those times was while under the influence – and the wording was a very slurred version of "hot"). This all after a year and 9 months of dating. I think I may have just answered my own question.
ANSWER: How does one slur “hot?” It does look like you can do better than this guy.
Wiz
December 3, 2008
Question: I've been seeing my boyfriend for three years. Everyone knows us in my town. Around six months ago, he cheated on me. We broke up, but then sorted things out and have been normal/happy since. No big fights, etc. Because we are so close, my friends are his friends and vice versa. Around two years ago, I first laid eyes on a guy (Roland). At this stage I was in a relationship with my boyfriend, but I still thought Roland was hot hot hot. We never got to know each other up until around eight months ago and we became great friends. We are now the best of friends, in fact. But now he's also my boyfriend’s best friend. I really do like, maybe even love, Roland, and I know he likes me too. We talk and text constantly, yet my boyfriend is oblivious. Not that there is anything going on like, but we would call each other cute names and he sometimes says "I love yah" and tells me I'm special to him. My head is so fried. Myself and my boyfriend are okay and happy, but I WANT this other guy. I'm so physically and emotionally attracted to him. But I love my boyfriend. Do you think I should dump him? If so, how, and then should I go for Roland? Please, please help me!
ANSWER: From the text of your question, no good reason appears to dump your boyfriend, except your desire for Roland.
The answer to your question depends a lot on the terms of how you “sorted things out” with your boyfriend, and whether Roland wants to date you. You asked a difficult question. The answer is lengthy, for which the wiz apologizes.
If you and your boyfriend agreed that you commit to stay faithful to each other forever, you made unrealistic commitments for unmarried people. Unless you become so madly in love that you decide to marry, you and he are likely to discover “interest” in other people, as has apparently happened to you.
You will encounter disaster if you dump your boyfriend and find out Roland just likes having you as a good friend. Then you’ll be alone without any boyfriend. Roland will not want to “cheat” on his best friend and anything you tell him will easily find its way to your boyfriend.
So – you don’t want to dump your boyfriend unnecessarily and you don’t want to tell Roland anything he’ll report to your boyfriend.
Two things could happen that will solve your problem without you doing anything. 1) If your boyfriend dumps you, call Roland. 2) If Roland asks you out, date Roland.
A God possesses a great sense of humor or enjoys testing our souls, because what you think could happen to solve your problems does not usually happen. Assuming, therefore, that both of the two things that can happen to solve your problem do not happen, this is what you can do.
First, understand that your desire for Roland is inconsistent with a healthy, satisfying, fulfilling relationship with your boyfriend. It is clear that your preference, as of the date of your question, is Roland over your boyfriend. If any one asked you, “Who do you want to date, your boyfriend or Roland?” your answer is Roland. This being the case, and your desire is real, the only thing standing between you and Roland is Roland.
Yes, Roland. If he said to you, “Will you go on a date with me?” you would say, “Yes, I will,” regardless of the fact that you and your boyfriend “sorted things out.” At that point, rather than cheat on your boyfriend, you would dump your boyfriend by telling him that Roland asked you out on a date and you said yes. You need to entice Roland to ask you to date. Get him to do it without asking him out. If he doesn’t want to date you, you must say something that will not be hurtful to you if he reports it to your boyfriend. If he wants to date you, you must show him an open door for him to walk through it.
Roland, quite naturally, will not ask you out on a date because you are dating his best friend. (Of course, maybe he will, but we will assume he does not want to ask for that reason.) Be coy and clever. You and Roland communicate freely as good friends. Talk to Roland in a quiet moment, when other people aren’t around, maybe on the telephone so you have privacy and there is no record of what is said (as opposed to texting). Ask him, “Roland, we get along real well as friends, don’t we? He says, “Yes.” You say, “I know. I think it's wonderful. Do you think we could get along just as well if we, you know, if we dated sometime?”
He might say something like, “Oh, no. We can’t date. Your boyfriend is my best friend.” If so, he will not ask you out and you will stay with your boyfriend. Your question, if he reports it to your boyfriend, is innocuous enough to explain as “just friendly talk.” You didn’t date him and nothing happened.
If Roland says something like, “Yeah, we could have a great time together. I know I would like that.” You have planted the seed. Leave it there for a while to grow in his mind. He will think about it. The subject should come up again. He will raise it if he is interested in dating you. If you feel you are waiting too long, in another quiet moment you can remind him of the question you asked. If he is interested, he will seize the moment to express his interest in you. If he doesn’t seize the moment and say something you want to hear, he simply is not interested enough in you. (You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t force him to drink it.)
When he brings it up and asks you, you say yes. Then you and Roland can plan on how to inform your boyfriend about it in a way that helps Roland keep his friendship with your boyfriend, and helps your boyfriend get over the relationship, heal, and move on.
Wiz
December 1, 2008
Question: I have been with this person off and on for 8 years. While he has some good qualities, he also has a lot of bad ones, about 50/50. We have a daughter 4 years old. He tries to support us and take care of us, but he can’t manage his money and he is not dependable. I live in my mom’s mobile home because we have moved 13 times in 5 years. He can’t keep a roof over our heads. I know economic times have been hard, but he just doesn’t seem to take his responsibilities seriously. He expects everyone else to take up his slack or he will cause an argument to leave if the pressure is turned up on him.
I have recently gotten very sick and came down with arthritis pain in every joint. It is worse in the mornings and until I can get to my doctor for diagnosis, he knows I need him there in the mornings to help me get going and get pain medicine. He is not being supportive. He says he can’t stand seeing me like that. I had to drag myself up this morning because he made up some excuse why he couldn’t be there. Am I being too needy or is this guy just a loser that I need to kick to the curb once and for all. Thank You For Your Time Wizard. Any advice is appreciated.
ANSWER: One important fact is missing in your question. If you are married, he should be with you, support you financially, and help you in sickness and in health (as they say when you get married!). Regardless of tough economic times, he is morally and rightfully duty bound to do his best for you and his daughter.
If you are not married, his obligation to his daughter still exists, morally and legally, because he is a parent. His obligation to you does not include living with you and being there to help, as in getting your medicine for you in the morning.
Married or not, he probably is aware of his obligations, and probably is worried about his circumstances and the circumstances you and his daughter must live in. Kind words, like “thank you,” “we’re so happy you’re here,” “please spend some fun time with us,” we know times are tough and we thank you for what you do,” and so on, will help generate enthusiasm. Try to put some friendliness and some happy times into your schedule and include him. If you can do that, however difficult it may be, you can improve your situation.
Your circumstances are sad and worrisome. You will find strength in humor and good will. During these holidays, try hard to include him in a positive way. He might build on that and utilize more of his 50% good qualities, and then you and your daughter will see more of the part of him that makes it worthwhile, even in poverty.
Wiz
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