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February 29, 2008
Question: I wrote last on 02-08-2008. I have to say I love this site and it has helped me to learn a lot.
Here is an update. I mainly told him I wanted to be friends to get to know him slower and see if we can be best friends. It seemed to me anytime he was over we wouldn't do anything but make out. He wouldn't talk much. He was the one that said maybe our personalities crash, but we had a great connection. Any way, he said he just doesn't think he can forget that easily and to not get my hopes up, that he just needs time. And the last time I left a voicemail, he texted me back saying I'm in a good relationship now, but no hard feelings. I made myself look soo crazy that he never wanted to give me a second chance, but I thought it would've been nice if I could've gotten to know him a little more.
I liked everything about him, except he needed to talk to me more, play with me more. I only knew him 2 months, so I'll never know if he was just shy or not. Of course, he didn't act shy. Any way, I figured there is nothing more I could do. I haven't written to him or anything in 3 months, but I hope I find someone with his same qualities, or is it possible that maybe one day he'll bump into me and realize that he should've given me a chance?
Thanks!
ANSWER: Thank you! The wizard always wants to help and enjoys reading thank you notes.
Thank you also for the update. It is possible to find another guy with the same or similar qualities, but note the wizard’s wisdom below.
Yes, it is possible that he will bump into you again, but he likely will not realize suddenly at that moment he should have given you a second chance. More likely, he will realize it in a reflective moment at home when he recounts to himself his past dating exploits. If he thinks well of you and remembers his fond memory of you when he bumps into you, he might brilliantly come up with the idea of reviving what may have seemed lost before.
Note here the wizard’s wisdom on remembering someone we did not date but wanted to date. This may not apply to you, but it does apply to many of us who have experienced the sense of loss of not dating someone who looked or acted like someone we wanted to date.
We tend to cheat our memory by imagining special qualities about the person we did not date. This tendency is natural enough but insidious, because we do not allow ourselves to practically and realistically assess how much we lost by failing to date. When we cheat our memory this way, we cheat ourselves because we sadden ourselves with a sense of loss we had no basis to value. We weigh the value of what we lost by inserting qualities we want to see in Mr. Right, not qualities we know to exist from experience.
If you can, the best way to move on is to forget the you didn’t date and find a new one. Don’t compare the new guy with the guy you didn’t date because you might unfairly give the guy you didn’t date undeserved and unrealistic credit.
This applies also to dates you start but do not get to know well enough before the end of the relationship, and that you remember later as a missed opportunity.
Wizard
February 28, 2008
Question: Is this a girl thing or am I justified in feeling strange? My boyfriend of six months does not know how to spell my last name. Too trivial? I have to admit, I wonder the level of respect and caring this guy has for me, so I consider it a sign, but wonder if I am looking for signs.
ANSWER: If your name consists of one or two syllables and nothing strange occurs in matching sounds to letters, either he is playing cute, doesn’t care, or is a hopeless dunce. Well, if he is Irish and your name is a long combination of consonants without vowels, he’ll have trouble with it.
Or it is something in-between.
A girl thing? No, but this might be a guy thing if he is trying to be cute or doesn't care. Let’s find out.
Follow these instructions carefully. Do not change the words and do not change the order in which to ask these questions. Only the wizard’s wisdom can come up with this combination to reach into your boyfriend’s intelligence and psyche so completely and scientifically. The words “cryptic” and “pencil” are magically the key to unlock this mystery (unless, of course, he has read this).
These two words are chosen based on assumptions that he has been your boyfriend for six months; he has known your name the entire time; your name is not simple like “Smith;” you are an intelligent, articulate young woman; he is still a little mysterious to you; and he thinks at a level of intelligence similar to you.
When alone with him, so he doesn’t get too embarrassed, tell him you want to give him a test. You want him to pay attention to the question and answer only the question.
Question One: “Spell (pause for three to four seconds like you are thinking hard) cryptic.”
If he gets it right, he should know how to spell your name. Go to Question Two.
If he did not spell “cryptic” correctly, skip Question Two and go to Question Three.
Question Two: “Spell (insert your name here).” If he gets it wrong, he doesn’t care to figure it out and you have reason to give him grief. End the test there. You challenged him enough so he might start caring.
Question Three: “Spell pencil.”
If he gets that one wrong, he can’t spell. Don’t get mad at him. The issue in this instance is not whether he cares.
If he gets it right, tell him if he can spell pencil, he can spell your name. Teach him how to spell it, and that should do it. You will have put him in his place, and if he cares, he’ll learn it and never get it wrong again.
This tests his ability and his cuteness. It should also resolve the entire issue forever. This test will work no matter how many syllables, consonants, and vowels are in your name, and no matter what is your boyfriend’s national origin, ethnicity, education, or training.
Wizard
February 28, 2008
Question: He forgets to shave and doesn't always brush his teeth. I refuse to kiss him!
ANSWER: Hey! Hey! The wizard thinks beards are fuzzy wuzzy and . . . nice, so long as the beard is lathered, rinsed, and clear of bugs! But failing to brush one’s teeth, ugggh!
Wizard
February 28, 2008
Question: I am the one that sent the scenario on Feb 24. I came to work again this week. Again all flirty e-mails, flirting in person, blushing, grinning, etc. My assistant attended a meeting with me and said the chemistry was so thick you could cut it with a knife. But no "movement" from him. There have been no personal texts in over two weeks, just the work stuff every day. He knows my divorce will not be final until the end of March, but also knows I have lived alone for 8 months. I have told him I will not date until it’s legal. I could not get up the nerve to ask him out, but sent a text asking him to text me outside of work. He did not reply. I have decided he is gay. But it still seems like a seven month pursuit was hardly worth it for him. Why not at least have sex . . . most guys would have right? Geez, what a horrible waste of time! He sure is hot though! Move on right???
ANSWER:
Flirting is a satisfying ego boost for attractive, witty people. For some married or hitched people, flirting is also a recreation used to spice up a mundane relationship. Some people simply find more adventure in the flirting than the goal flirting is usually intended to accomplish. All of this is true for guys, heterosexual and gay, and for girls too.
Dead-end flirting. Most people find it obnoxious after they learn that the flirting has no purpose but to flirt, and they think flirting for flirting's sake is wrong because of the inherent deception. And surely, if it belongs anywhere, it does not belong at the workplace.
If your interest is the goal, not the flirting alone, this guy is a dead end for you, unless he is waiting for the right moment, which might be the finalization of your divorce.
Wizard
February 28, 2008
Question: I know my boyfriend is lying to me and I get bored with it. He annoys me by saying his mates are horrible and uses swear words, but he doesn’t need to hang around with them. I really want to dump him but I am scared that he will bully me or his mates will. I don’t know what to do because he loves me, but I don’t love him. Please help!!!
ANSWER: Love is a two-way street. No guy, no girl, is entitled to a loving relationship that’s one way. Any one who caves into a fear of dumping for the reason of bullying is a victim of one of two things – a serious bully or one’s own timidity.
If he is a real bully, do not go anywhere near him at any time. Dismiss him and demolish the relationship immediately. He is not worth the soil in your pocket. He is a splotch on this earth and no detergent is good enough for him.
If you are timid, stand up straight and dump him. The experience will do you good so you will find the next dump easier. No worthy woman dates for fear of reprisal. To be a confident and self-sustaining human being, you must be able to do the dump that so clearly needs doing. If he possesses any character at all, he’ll respect your decision and live up to it.
As for his mates, they can take their splotchy mess to the chlorine pool. Their problem is not yours.
Wizard
February 27, 2008
Question: I have been with this guy for 5 years and we are now living together. I love him a lot and I know he loves me, but I am not sure he feels that he can't live without me type of love. He is a great person and he is great with showing his love through getting me things, but he has never expressed that he wants to be with me forever. We talk about marriage very seriously, like it will happen for us one day, but every time we argue he always tells me how different we are and how that bothers him. (We both love each other’s families, but I don't want to stay with him for that). In the past couple of months a lot of his friends have been getting engaged and I feel really upset when I hear the news. I am so confused and I do not know what to do. I always pictured the guy I was going to marry would be someone who would be head over heals for me and I can't tell if he is or not. Since the start of our relationship, he has always had a hard time expressing himself. In fact, when we were long distance he could not even say he missed me. I am in love with him and I can't picture my life without him, but I want the person I marry to feel the same about me. I know if I stay he will eventually ask me to marry him but what if he is not Mr. Right? I am so confused! What should I do? Is it time to leave the relationship and move on?
ANSWER: You don’t want to stay with him just for each other’s families. Good thinking.
You have always pictured the guy you will marry as a guy who is head-over-heels for you, and you’re not sure whether he is or not. After five years, if you’re not sure, be assured, he is not. Yes, the guy you marry should be head-over-heels for you. (We are not talking about the sparks of high-heeled boys in the song by Traffic – we are talking about sparks that light up the sky of one’s life, sent flaming and flying by two people who strike the match of love.)
When you argue he tells you how different you are from each other and how that bothers him. For a guy who has a hard time expressing himself about missing you or loving you, he is quite able expressing what bothers him.
You are better off thinking at this level of seriousness after five years than after ten years. Even more true,you are better off thinking at this level of seriousness now than after you are married and regretting it.
You must not marry this guy unless he turns around and realizes his love for you and says so. You deserve his love, affection, and attention, and that includes the head-over-heels kind of love you seek.
Don’t count on finding Mr. Right. Every relationship requires some compromise, even a loving one. The difference between being in love and having a convenient relationship is that lovers forgive wholeheartedly and tolerate unhappy differences, while convenient partners don’t forgive and tolerate. Instead, they overlook things as an exchange for the goods they get out of the relationship, and carry grudges and stockpile gripes until they blow up in frustration.
So – if he is not Mr. Right, he might still be a good catch for you. If he isn’t head-over-heels for you, then watch out for his true motivation. Are you the love of his life (sparks, sparks, and sparks!) or are you a convenient lover that satisfies his needs?
Woe to she who forgets sparks (because she doesn’t believe in them or can’t find them) and marries the cash daddy, the mule, or the nice guy who couldn’t light a fire with a kerosene torch.
Wizard
February 26, 2008
Question: I just am not sure if we really have a connection. I love him and he says that he loves me, but I wonder if he would be better off with someone else or if I would be better off with someone else. I am constantly stressed out about it. I have not been in a relationship for this long and just am really not sure if we should continue or not.
ANSWER: The short answer is “Figure it out.” That’s what the uncaring (or unknowing) friend, family member, or counselor will say. Now here in laborious detail is the analysis you need to do, from the wise old wizard.
Think about specifics that cause you to stress about the relationship. If necessary, sit down with pen and paper and write them down. Focus on factual issues that you can list. If you can’t list fact issues (like bad breath, wiry hair, bad manners, etc.), your anxiety is likely not to be fact-based, but instead is an emotion generated by new territory (like the unusual length of the relationship) and not based on negative experience in your dating with this guy.
If you have managed to list factual issues, then you can begin analyzing each one for its importance to you. If you can tolerate it, dismiss it. If you can’t tolerate it, it is important to you. If you can’t resolve the important issues satisfactorily (by analyzing them and determining they really aren’t important, or by talking it over with your boyfriend, for instance), then determine whether ending the relationship will resolve it. If the answer is yes, and if you think the issue is important (because it bothers you enough to question the relationship as evidenced by your question), then you should end the relationship.
If you can’t list factually based issues, you might then try to list feelings – like fear, worry, even just an “icky” feeling. If you have a list of feelings (even if it’s a list of one) but can’t figure out the cause, then think hard about whether the relationship (forgetting what it is in the relationship that causes your problem, even if it is you) is the source of your problem. If it is, end the relationship, even if temporarily, to see if the feelings go away. It may be as simple as “I’m just not yet emotionally ready for a long-term relationship.” That’s okay – and normal – by the way, if that is all it is.
Wizard
February 25, 2008
Question: My husband of 14 years is a slob! We're talking mountains of trash here. He also is a negative whiner. It feels like nothing ever changes between us. If I try to talk to him about my needs or point out to him that he's being abusive (usually by cussing me out, calling me names, or being careless with my things and trashing them like he does his own), he offers up all kinds of excuses for his appalling behavior (his bad back, his bad job, his family hates him, etc.). He always has an excuse for why his behavior is excusable.
Should I dump him?
ANSWER: How do you dump a husband? If you mean divorce, well, you must put your mind at work to think that one through. If you weren’t married, yes, he should be dumped. As a husband, you loved him once, presumably, and there must exist some measure of love and affection. If not, you have to look at so many important factors in making the decision whether to divorce, which is a different concept from dumping.
Examples of things you should think over: Can you repair what is wrong with the relationship? How much effort and what kind of effort goes into repairing it? Is there abuse in the marriage? Addictions? What is your age? What is your future without him? Do you have children, and what effect with this have on them, emotionally and financially? Do you have family? What will be the effect of divorce on your family and his family? How do you split up your property? Where will you and he live after you separate? What is your financial future after divorce? What are your present and future health needs, and his? Whoa, this is a short list. You must think through so much more than just this. Be careful.
Wizard
February 24, 2008
Question: I think the guy I have a huge crush on is gay. He knows I like him and has not made a move. It has been months and only one date. We talk all the time. He is gorgeous but says he has only had one girlfriend and slept with 6 total (he is 29!). He asks me what I am wearing all the time. He only talks about one sexual position (guess). He won't tell me about his friends or his private life. He dresses great, is always at the mall, is tidy, and I am very beautiful, and he never says anything about that. Most guys do! He never compliments me, only asks me over and over why I like him. He bragged about looking like a gay co-worker’s boyfriend, took a compliment from another gay male at work without grossing out, says he hates ****** **** ****. I can’t imagine why he has not made a move! We get along great, but he says he hasn’t had many girlfriends because he is picky, stubborn, and hard to get along with. He is sometimes verbally aggressive and gets mad easily. He didn’t talk to me for two days after I made a comment that insinuated he was gay (not on purpose). He also inquired if I **** *** **** *****(I’m sure you can figure it out). Is he gay? Should I stop talking to him?
ANSWER: If you enjoy his company, why not continue talking to him? He can be a friend, if not a date.
If he got upset when you insinuated he was gay, he might be a sensitive gay guy, or a guy who is not gay but insecure about it, or a guy who just doesn’t like to be talked about like that. In any of these possibilities, he might resent you asking directly if he is gay.
You can ask him out – that will put him on clear notice of your interest. If he doesn’t respond positively to that, he is one of the three things listed in the previous answer to a question of the same date, below.
Good luck?
Wizard
February 24, 2008
Question: There is a guy I run into at work. He is hot and there seemed to be a great deal of chemistry. Most of the time our connection is through text and e-mail. A lot of cyber sex. He does not have a girlfriend. This has been going on for 6 months. In person he is fun and flirty. We are both very attractive, but I make twice his salary. He said his mode of communication was because he lived at home. Now he has a house and the texting has stopped, but there is still flirty e-mails and work flirts. My guy’s friends think he is gay or he would have made a move. My girlfriends think he is insecure, not gay, or he would not have been so sexually explicit and that I intimidate him. He turns me on and he is hot, but he is a huge "puzzle". What do I do?
ANSWER: Ask him out. It won’t be too forward, given the communication you have had and his flirting behavior.
If he says no, something is wrong with him, or he has a girlfriend you don’t know about, or he is gay.
Wizard
February 23, 2008
Question: I’ve got a boyfriend but I still really like my ex. What do I do?
ANSWER: If you don’t want trouble with one of them, pick one of them.
Wizard
February 22, 2008
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over 2 months. In the 1st 2 months, we saw each other 4-5 times a week. We used to French kiss & make out all the time. He used to say "I can spend everyday with you", and "I can't wait to see you again" on the phone.
He gave me 12 yellow roses on Valentine's Day, yet he claims he didn't know yellow means friendship. We had our 1st argument 2 weeks ago. A day ago, he said he only wants to see me 2-3 times a week. He said the reason is we're seeing too much of each other. I asked him if he's seeing anyone else, and he promises he's not. He says waking up at 4:30 in the morning for work tires him out to see me on weekday evenings. (He has to work weekends and his days off are on Tues and Thurs). He lives 40 miles from me. He used to not complain during the 1st month we were dating.
He claims when we go out it feels more like we're friends rather than boyfriend/girlfriend - but he also said he thinks of me as a girlfriend. We hold hands while we're out. We talk on the phone daily. But he's never said, "I love you." After our 1st argument, he doesn't French kiss me anymore and only gives me pecks on the lips. We don't hug as much as we used to, and the only real intimacy we have are massages on the back. Now he says he wants to take things slower. I feel like he's giving me mixed signals on whether I'm a friend to him or a girlfriend. Is he just not that into me anymore?
ANSWER: Yep.
Wizard
February 22, 2008
Question: My partner is so stressed that she says she never has time for anything. She says I am too demanding yet I have only seen her for two hours in the past week, and even then she was busy doing stuff or it was pre-arranged meeting on her terms. I always travel to her; she never travels to me. I love her. She wants our child, but every now and then snaps.
ANSWER: Give the relationship time to heal – but if it doesn’t heal, it is an open wound that must be closed for good.
That’s a dump.
Wizard
February 21, 2008
Question: Hi, I have a boyfriend who I hang out with at school. He is really sweet but he cheated on my mate because he’s been out with her for 3 weeks and asked me out yesterday. She dumped him and said she doesn’t like him any more, but she told my other mate that she does. He told my mate that he was just joking about going out with me and told everyone else that he didn’t say anything. My mate got upset today and she said that if I dump him she will feel guilty but I feel guilty because of it all.
What should I do? Plzzz help thx.
ANSWER: If your mate says it’s okay, go out with him if you like. If she says she will feel hurt, give it a little time. If she goes out with another guy, then she won’t feel hurt any more, and you can say yes to him then.
Guilt is too strong an emotion. You should not feel guilty about dating a guy, even if he was dating one of your mates. Guys and girls date and dump. That’s how it goes. Give her consideration because she is your mate – but don’t carry that burden too far.
Wizard
February 20, 2008
Question: I dated a guy for 5 months. A couple weeks later I met a girl at his house that said she had dated him for 6 months. The guy and I have talked and he explained the whole situation to me as well as asked for forgiveness. I have seen proof that the other girl has lied as well as been pushy with him. He states the same thing. My friends say I should dump him, once a cheater always a cheater. His actions have proven to me that he really cares for me and wants to start again. For the record, we are not having relations. Should I or shouldn't I?
ANSWER: Your decision depends on how you feel, not how your friends think. Start again.
Wizard
February 19, 2008
Question: Today, being a holiday, my boyfriend had the day off. He works a lot so rarely has time for me. He says he loves to be with me, and even has said he is in love with me (which I have decided is not true), but today when he could have finally spent time with me, he went hiking with a group of friends, and I was not invited. He said he would call when he was done, and would come see me. Not only did he not come see me, he did not call. I feel he is trying to dump me, and did all these things in a very obvious manner to (a) exclude me, when he could have had time for me; and (b) did not call or see me to test me to see if I would fall apart as he knows I am fragile with this whole relationship.
Are there men that enjoy hurting a girl's feelings? This is not the first time. It is rather common. He does not want to be with me, does he? Or, he can only handle me in very short and far in-between doses. I have depression, and these actions could only make me sink farther. He knows that. Isn't that borderline cruel? OK, he wanted to go hiking instead of being with me. He did not want to see me. All his freedom of choice. But, couldn't he have called to say he could not make it considering he says I am on his mind all the time (ha ha)? He is trying to hurt my feelings, isn't he? I have done nothing but adore this guy.
Update: He did call, and said he had five or ten minutes for me. When he came by for them, he told me that he not only golfed for four hours, but had a pitcher of beer with the guys after. Hence, my five or ten minutes could have been an hour without the beer. I may sound clingy, but really, this guy only gives me a total of one hour a week. And, he says he is in love with me?
ANSWER: For some guys, love is a shallow and effortless entertainment, like movies. A dating relationship is a fling enjoyed for the moment, like a flick. These guys develop habits of telling girls in various ways that they are in love but only because that makes the girls happy. They do not intend to hurt the girls. They intend only to make the girls happy for the fun of the moment.
For other wiser and more experienced guys, love is a rare event that spins the mind into a reeling frenzy. It invigorates the heart and soul. They wonder how life was lived without love. These guys do not admit to love easily. When you hear one of them say he is in love, he confesses it.
Most men start with flings but evolve into true lovers. Yes, men do eventually get it and become fully capable of love filled with sparks and magic. Your guy hasn’t yet evolved.
Caution: A guy truly in love will occupy time with other activities like playing golf, drinking beer, and partying with his buddies.
Here is the difference. Your love for each other is so consuming and overwhelming that you both know, with complete confidence, that you love each other. When these activities occur, you know he will call you because he calls without needing you to remind him. He does not squeeze you into his schedule; you are already in his schedule. He squeezes the golf, beer, and buddies into the schedule he has with you.
Wizard
February 19, 2008
Question: Been going out with this guy for 3 months. It was great for the first month but now things have started to get boring and I want to end it. But his mates are my mates too and I’m worried if it will have side effects. Help me.
ANSWER: End it. You cannot stay attached to a guy you don’t want to date just to satisfy friends you share with him. If a friend takes sides, he or she unfairly judges without knowing all the details and you can’t
fix that – so don’t let yourself worry about what you can’t fix.
Wizard
February 15, 2008
Question: Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now. We are a happy couple. The only times I am truly unhappy with him is about
the issues with money. So he is broke. He never has money for anything, so we never go out anywhere. The little money he has he spends it on
going out on the weekends to stay social with his friends (basically beer and cigarettes). Even on my birthday he was 2 months late on getting me
a gift. He said it was because he didn’t know what to get me. And then, for our 1 year he basically treated it like any other day and even
forgot to get me a card. So for our 2 year I expected him to make up for it but no, he bought me a card and at the last minute he took me to a
restaurant in the mall ( that I had to pay half of) and two free movie tickets he had. While I on the other hand went all out and bought him
plenty of cute sentimental gifts expecting the same. So I was very upset and showed it. Even on Valentines Day while everyone got flowers and
chocolates and dinner nights out, he . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: Good often comes with some bad. In dating, one always can choose to end it. If the bad is too much, you stop dating. It all comes
down to how much you are willing to tolerate. You are a happy couple – that means a lot. If the money issues rise to a level you can no
longer tolerate, you will stop the dating relationship.
This fellow, though, seems a little remiss in the “remembering you” category.
Wizard
February 12, 2008
Question: He gave me herpes. His ex is psychotic and refuses to move on. He stays with her for the kid, but I have the feeling he wants sex
from me and a family from her, even though it is not even his child. He refuses to let me go. I have tried to get rid of him. He claims he loves
me. Plus he does more for his ex and hates her but loves the kid that’s not his. Sometimes, since he won’t let me go, I want to ruin
his and her relationship just by having him around once in a blue moon. He has no balls. I hope that she cheats on him and he finds out or I put
a big dent in their life because they have near but ruined mine.
ANSWER: Are you more mad at him because he gave you herpes, or at her because she refuses to move on and takes him from you?
If you are mad at him, explore the different ways you can manage the herpes infection and dump him. If you are more mad at his ex, tell him
he has to make a choice of either you or her. If he picks her, dump him. If he picks you, tell him he must not see her any more. If he does, dump
him.
Do not be angry or vengeful. When you experience these feelings, your mind is telling you in no subtle way that you need to remove him from
your romantic life.
If you decide to dump him, just do it. If he refuses to let you go, that is his problem, not yours, because whether to dump is your
decision, not his.
Wizard
February 12, 2008
Question: I have been dumped but need some rationalization for the action. I was seeing this guy, and he was actually always verbally
abusive. Every little thing I did he would complain about. So, I am glad it is over.
But, the reasons he gave me for ending it were: (1) After four months, he has been very patient, and I will not have sex with him. The night
before the dumping, I told him when he was "trying" that I do not have sex without love. That probably turned him off. (2) He always
told me that he wanted to "help" because I have had some tough times in the past, and I am working my way out of them. He knew that.
But now he says, "I didn't realize what I was getting into." Who does? Do we have crystal balls? And, if anyone didn't know what they
were getting into it was me. He has ADD, and considers me getting out of bed to be a "hyper" activity. Pardon me if this is gross, but
he has a very (edited out) . . . . and I think he is insulted that I did not find him God's gift because of it. I guess I . . . (missing
text).
ANSWER: If he had followed the teachings of the wizard, his reasons would have been positive and re-affirming for you, even if it was a
dump. Unfortunately, he didn’t come here first.
Wizard
February 12, 2008
Question: You have helped me so much before. I am coming to you again. My guy, who can be so wonderful when he has the time or feels like
it, on the other hand will neglect me (no calls, e-mails, texts, the little things that may take say 15 seconds) for days at a time. Then, when
he wants me, he really wants me. But, I feel he needs more consistency. This is a guy who has told me he is in love with me. Not just that he
loves me (we love our dogs, right?), but that he is in love with me. I feel if his feelings are at the "in love" stage, I should not go
days on end without contact. I cannot contact him. He turns off his phone. And, like a jerk, if I do write an e-mail, he will not reply. What is
he doing to me? When I "call" him on it, or actually, give him an out, he shuts down. Never apologizes. Just wants to change the
subject to March Madness or something. I feel he wants his cake and eat it, too. He wants to live his separate life, but when he gets around to
me, he wants me all smiley and . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: Don’t date a guy for the moments you can find him. You want love – he wants convenience.
He is not in love. Not only should he respond to you, he should be looking for you all the time. He’s distracted by something else.
If he loves you, sports, pets, other girls, family, work, school, religion, hobbies, even archaeological digs in the Andes Mountains, could
not keep him from you.
Wizard
February 11, 2008
Question: My boyfriend has cheated over 4 times in our six month relationship with different girls and lies constantly. He has no job, no
education, no future goals he sticks to. He is 18 and I am 16. He didn’t get me any Christmas presents and told me on Christmas day that
they did not come in because he ordered them on line. I, by the way, spent over $250 in gifts for him that were thoughtful and knew he would
like. He has changed my myspace password and says he forgot or must have typed in the wrong thing. His myspace is like a pimp space and all the
girls tell him on there that he must be crazy because I am so gorgeous, and what more does the kid want? Several other girls have called me
explaining in detail when and what he has done with them. And others know about the reason these other girls call me. It is because he
doesn’t even have a cell phone and used mine to text and call other girls. It keeps getting worse and worse. He lied so much in the
beginning of our relationship and was always around me too much. He used . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: One ventures a guess this diatribe goes on another page or two and the boyfriend has messed up so often and so badly that this
relationship is in a tailspin headed for an imminent, fiery crash. And justifiably so.
Wizard
February 8, 2008
Question: We were friends. Then we were lovers. Then he moved for his job. Then we saw each other on trips. Then his wife left him. Then he
met someone at the bridge table. Now he is living with her.
ANSWER: Sounds like a storyline synopsis for a TV soap opera. We were . . . Then . . .Then . . .Then . . .Then . . .Then . . . Now he is . .
. .
Just fill in the blanks.
Wizard
February 8, 2008
Question: I'm going crazy. I'm a normal girl with a great life! But I feel soo crazy! I was 29 last year and never had any dating
experience. I was very naive, very confused. All I knew is I didn't want to waste anybody's time or break anyone's heart. I was divorced from an
immature guy, so I never knew about love anyways. I didn't date for over a year and a half. Finally, I had my life back, then met this great guy.
He was only 26. He had good morals was a Christian. We dated 2 months. He even took me to meet his family who hugged me like 3 times. Soo sweet,
but I felt for some reason that I needed to see what it's like to date other guys before getting serious again, before settling down and getting
married again. I wanted to make sure I had the perfect guy, so I pushed him away and accidentally insulted him by saying he wasn't talking that
much to me, wasn't romantic, etc. I wanted to. I’m going crazy!!!
I think I loved him but at the time wasn't sure of my feelings, wasn't sure if it was lust or if I liked him. He was the first guy I ever
truly liked and dated. How can I let him know this? I don't want to stalk him. I kind of texted him the past 6 months about once a month trying
to see if he'd meet with me for lunch so I could explain. I know it sounds lame, but he had everything I wanted in a guy, after I sat down to
think about it, except maybe he was too shy to show his true self, because he just didn't act like my best friend. He didn't talk a lot, just
about work, etc. That's why I wanted to take things slow, because I felt like he didn't really talk to me, only when he was feeling seductive or
something. Anyways, not sure what to do. Thanks!
ANSWER: You clumsily dumped a guy that now you think you shouldn’t have dumped. Once dumped, a guy usually feels rejected and cannot
revive enough interest to date again the date that dumped him. However, sometimes the guy has enough love left, in reserve, enough to keep a
flickering flame alive in his heart. If that is the case, he will respond to your effort to communicate with him. If he doesn’t respond,
the flame flickered out.
Try a snail mail letter expressing your regret and inviting him to dinner, your treat, at a romantic restaurant. Make it short and sweet,
but not syrupy. At the end of the letter, ask him to call you. Include your telephone number, obviously, but also include your return address so
he can write if he respects you enough to explain his thoughts. If he accepts by calling you, you’ll make the reservations. If he
doesn’t call, it’s over. Find another guy.
Wizard
February 8, 2008
Question: My friend’s boyfriend is still in love with her, but she doesn’t love him any more. She tried to dump him but
can’t say no to his face. She doesn’t have the heart to say it. She really wants to end this but can’t now that he asked her on
a date and she can’t say no.
ANSWER: If she can’t say no after he asks her out on a date, she probably isn’t sure. If she is sure, she is doing him more
harm by leading him on. It is more kind to tell him than to let him stay in love holding on with a smidgen of hope.
Wizard
February 7, 2008
Question: I wrote in previously regarding my boyfriend that I had been with for four months that had left his wife and we have been together
ever since. We both have histories that we carry with us; histories of infidelity mostly, but we are happy with each other and as far as I know
faithful to each other. Well, now a new bump in our relationship has come up. He legally separated from his wife two months ago. They had only
been married for 7 months when they separated and only about 5 when he moved out and left her. When he moved out, she came out with that she was
pregnant. She had never mentioned being pregnant previous to this and was supposedly on birth control. We both felt like she was saying this was
a way to keep him there. It didn't work – he still left her. So here we are a few months later and she had the baby. So, she had been
pregnant for a while and hadn't mentioned that. She also never involved him in doctor's appointments or anything like that. So he has been with
her since she . . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: One of the joyful benefits of marriage is having children, and it happens sometimes when one least expects it. Your boyfriend left
his wife after getting her pregnant – for another woman. Don’t blame this one on his wife.
If his wife withheld telling him about the pregnancy (and that is in question), she may have had reason for it, even if a bad reason. Many
scenarios are possible that can cause a woman anxiety and doubt that can delay her telling her husband she’s pregnant. A husband who wants
a divorce and plays with other women is one of them.
As the weight of more obligations is added to his shoulders, you, if you stay with him (and you might choose to do so if you are in love),
will find yourself carrying the weight with him. On the postive side, the child may be (and should be) a source of great love and joy, and be a
magnificent addition to the spice of your boyfriend's life, and hence a boon for you too.
Wizard
February 6, 2008
Question: my boyfriend has a child with his ex girlfriend and he used to tell her that he loves her. when we started dating, he said that he
loves me. he tells me every day, but it feels like he doesn’t mean it. it feels like he is just saying it for the sake of saying it. how do
i know he really cares and loves me?
ANSWER: You can’t know from how he says it or how often he says it. You can only know by his actions.
His devotion and caring should be so obvious that you have no question about his sincerity when he says he loves you. If you can’t
find satisfaction in observing his everyday conduct with you, you might doubt his sincerity.
Wizard
February 4, 2008
Question: Me and my boyfriend are both 27 and have been dating for about 6 years. We have broken up 2 times for a short period of time. Over
the years, people have come to me and told me he has slept with a few different girls behind my back - both when we were together and broken up.
I have no proof. I confronted him about it last summer and he denied it. I don't believe him. Ever since then, I feel different about my feelings
for him. Our intimate relationship has gone south. I am no longer interested in it. Actually, he makes me sick, but I can't help caring for this
person with whom I have spent 6 years of my life. I am enticed by other men and try not to stray, but I am lonely in this relationship because
all I can think of is - did he really cheat?? What can I do?????????
ANSWER: The conclusion one must draw is that you believe he did it in spite of his denial. If you could be convinced that he was truthful
when he denied it, no problem would have ensued.
You must either believe him or not believe him because you cannot gain independent proof of whether he did it. That being true, your
inability to take his word comes out of a lack of trust in his good faith. After six years into a relationship, your inability to trust his word
is the kink in the armor of your relationship.
Here are the steps you take: 1) Understand that you will never know for sure whether he cheated or not. Draw that conclusion and start from
there. Do not go any further with asking yourself about the answer to that question. 2) Decide whether you want the relationship to go on,
knowing that you cannot and never will know the truth. 3) If you want the relationship to continue, either trust him or forgive him. If you trust
him, then you will accept that he didn’t do it – period. If you instead forgive him, you will accept that he cheated and forgive him
– period. In either case, the matter is over.
If you are unable to follow these steps, regardless of how much you think you care for him, you do not care for him enough. The relationship
has indeed gone south and you should end it.
Wizard
February 4, 2008
Question: I am pregnant by my boyfriend, whom I lost my virginity to. He does marijuana and drinks a lot. He is violent and has hit me a few
times. He has called me jerk, bitch, ****, *******, retard, stupid, and has no respect for women. We are just sexual objects to him. He has a bad
temper and blames me for his problems. He controls me and orders me around. Do I stay with him or not?
ANSWER: No, you do not stay with such a cowardly mass of mud. Get professional help, because he will owe child support. Be sure you are
protected from his vicious side and be watchful of how he treats your child.
Wizard
February 3, 2008
Question: i’ve been living with my boyfriend for 2 months now and he’s so sweet, but we are the opposite and it’s really
getting me down. what should i do?
ANSWER: Sometimes opposites attract; sometimes opposites repel each other. If it is getting you down, end it.
Wizard
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