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January 27, 2007
Question: He was not entirely honest with me about keeping in contact with his ex-girlfriend, even though it was by phone and mail only. He has since dumped her, told her to go away. He wants to be with me. Should I trust him?
ANSWER: Don’t worry about it. He’s dumped her and wants you. No need to investigate that any further. Put it to bed. Have a good time with him and let the past be whatever it was – trusting or not.
Wizard
January 22, 2007
Question: There’s this guy that has been one of my closest friends for more then 3 years, but all of a sudden he’s all into holding my hand and now we're going out. Should i dump him so that it doesn't ruin our friendship?
ANSWER: You must answer for yourself: Do I want a date or a friend? There are three answers: one, a date only; two, a friend only; and three, both. Get this answer clear to yourself right away, because if your answer is the second one, you must embark on a self-directed, unmistakable mission to save the friendship.
If your answer is one, date him and have fun. Period. You would not have sent the question to the wizard, however, if this were your answer.
If your answer is two, you should tell him you really like his friendship and that dating and friendships often don’t mix well. Tell him you like him so much you want to stay friends so the friendship can last forever. Let’s be friends and not date. If you value his friendship more than his romance, yes, you should let him go (from dating) and be friends only. (See the last paragraph for an important tip.)
If your answer is three, you should continue dating, but with an understanding that when the dating stops, he might no longer be the kind of friend he was before, if he does remain a friend. The dating relationship tends to alter the memory, meaning, and value of what we perceive to have been a pre-existing friendship.
It does happen, and fairly often (though far less than a majority of the time), that dating couples maturely end their dating and become great friends. But even then, if they were friends before dating, the friendship is different afterward (in many different ways, so variable that not enough space exists for a thorough dissertation from the wizard).
Finally, you should be aware that your best friend of three years might have decided on his own (if he is a thinking guy) that he does not want friendship. That is why, if friendship is more important to you than romance, it is wise to have the conversation about it with him now rather than later. On the other hand, you might find that he is blissfully ignorant – that is not a fault and very normal for a guy. Either way, you must have the conversation to complete your self-directed and unmistakable mission to save the friendship.
Wizard
January 21, 2007
Question: me and my boyfriend have been dating for one year and 4 months. things were good at first then they started to get a little rocky. now he tells me to shut (edited) up and talks very bad to me. he also flirts with other girls. he never takes me out to eat or takes me on any dates. we are together everyday and we get so annoyed with one another. Every time we break up we always get back together. what do i do?
ANSWER: Stop getting back together.
Wizard
January 19, 2007
Question: i think my boyfriend of almost eight months is cheating on me (he’s done it before) and a lot of strange things are happening now. he’s distant (and he never used to be) and he promises to change, but i have a lot of people telling me that he flirts and i dont know what to do.
ANSWER: If you are bothered by the cheating and are frustrated by his inability to change, it is sensible to dump him and find a guy who does not cheat and who doesn’t need to change.
Usually, if a guy needs to change, there is a problem, because the girl is not going to change him, no matter how hard she tries and no matter how great a girl she is. A guy might “adjust” for a while, but the change a girl needs is usually more than the guy can ever muster. So, if you are dating and you want your guy to change, beware that the percentages are grossly against his likelihood of changing for you.
As with every general principle, there are exceptions. A guy might be the one- in-a-million who changes for you, and he would be worth the gamble if he is in fact one-in-a-million. The problem is that many guys look and act like the one-in-a-million, but nope.
Best to seek a new date who does not have to change - that is, what you want without you changing him or hoping for him to change.
Wizard
January 17, 2007
Question: Yah i know this is a dump thing but i need your help! I just dumped my bf that i really liked but suddenly i had different feelings for him . . . like not liking him anymore! I'm still having a hard time getting over the breakup. My friend just got back with her ex-boyfriend and right now i just need someone to comfort me, someone to lean on, and a shoulder to cry on. But she lied to me telling me she wouldn't be with her ex and now she is! Im so frustrated and mad at her but at the same time i don't want to be mad at her! She decided that getting back with her ex is more important than a friend who is heart broken and upset about dumping her bf! Help me please help me wizard! I can't live my life knowing in the past i was mad at my friend for not being there to comfort me at my hardest times!
ANSWER: Let’s rein in a few of your worries.
Yes, this is set up as site for dump advice, but as you can see by reading the wizard’s wisdom page, the wizard is willing to venture into many areas of life that are near to, if not right on, the subject of dumping.
If you don’t like your boyfriend any more, you did the right thing. If you feel sad, it is good to have someone to lean on and help you through it.
Do not be angry with a friend who gets back with her ex-boyfriend at the same time you dumped your boyfriend. You, as her friend, should be glad for her. She told you she wouldn’t be with her ex and now she is, so something happened to change her mind. She has no reason to play lying games with you. You know that one can change her mind several times in a relationship, and it is hard to keep track of who and when she told about which way the relationship was going.
Do not conclude that this is an intentional snub against you. Be happy for her that she has a boyfriend! She can still be a friend and comfort you in your hardest times, especially if you say good things about her good luck.
Wizard
January 17, 2007
Question: Dear Wizard,
OK, so i've been with this guy for a couple weeks and i was really into him in the beginning of the year.....but then now i just said its over cuz im not that into him! But anyways i still think i actually like him and im so confused! He was really nice and always talking to me and all that and he liked me a lot, but after i dumped him i feel as if i still like him and i made a BIG mistake! All my friends said they hated him and i did the right thing, but i feel really guilty and i always seem to be looking at his direction! Please help me. i have no idea if i like him still and i want to know soon cuz i can't afford to let him break my heart once again . . . even if i was the one to dump him!
ANSWER: It has only been a couple of weeks, so it is not unusual to begin to have doubts about the relationship, act on it, and then discover that you really weren’t so sure and might have made a mistake. You will not know if you made a mistake, for sure, unless you get back to dating him.
Yes, the wizard advises about dumping, but in this instance the wizard advises that you try to re-ignite the relationship, even if your friends believe he is not right for you. (Note, however, that the advice of good friends is often correct.) If you succeed in dating with him again, try to be sure before you dump him the next time.
Wizard
January 17, 2007
Question: My boyfriend is still the new kid at our school. When he first came to my school, i sat by him in a class but i never really talked to him until one day and we exchanged numbers just for fun. After that, i had Christmas break and we texted a lot. Like 100 texts a day. He finally asked me out and we went to the movies but it didnt go well. We barely talked because we were with our friends. It has been like two months and i don't want to dump him but we don't talk. Like at all. He is too shy.
ANSWER: You will need to have patience and understanding. He will adjust in time, and then you’ll find out if he is right for you.
Wizard
January 14, 2007
Question: My boyfriend and I went out for a very short time: from Thanksgiving to New Year's. During this time I fell deeply in love with him, and to be quite honest, I still love him.
He recently broke up with me, saying that I was too happy and hyper. (I wasn't even the first to know about the break up. He was sure to tell everyone else first. ) After some ridiculous middle-school styled shunning, he apologized to me and we made up. He regained his place in our clique, but now he suddenly acts guilty around me.
He's bending his head down, barely speaking and has a guilty look on his face. Through his eyes, you can tell his conscience is brimming with confusion.
Please Great Wizard, help me. I'm not sure if this is the correct website for this type of question, but please help me. I'm begging you. You've helped many times before, as well as some of my friends too.
My gut feeling is telling me that he wants to get back together with me, but I am unsure if my own longing for him to be with me is corrupting my judgment. Upon a wild twist of fate that he asks for me back, should I let him back into my life?
Thank you very much for your time and patience. I know hearing the ramblings of a confused girl can be quite exhausting. 
ANSWER: The wizard is immensely pleased to read that you and your friends found the wizard’s wisdom helpful in the past. If it were only possible to cure all ills and enlighten everyone with the wave of a wand, it would be done.
Gut feeling is often a great signal of the truth. You can think it is odd or quirky that something so illogical and mysterious could be so reliable. Frankly, your gut feeling is the first thing to pay attention to in matters like this.
You do not do yourself justice. You are not confused and the writing in your question is well organized, full of detail, and a pleasure to read. Your question is far from ramblings of a confused girl.
In actuality, he is confused. His conscience is not brimming with confusion; his consciousness is brimming with confusion. He does not know what to do. He is sheepish and wary of causing you more trouble, but the wizard suspects he is indeed interested in you. He’s just unsure of himself. You need not wait for a wild twist of fate (your phrasing is terrific).
Try this. Be more direct, less subtle. Ask him out. You do not have to ask him out to something romantic or special. Some place neutral with people around, and in the afternoon, will do. If you are uncomfortable with that, pass him a note or text message. (It can be as short as, “can we get together?”). Show him you are interested. If your gut instinct is right, he should respond positively. If he is not interested, he should let you know in the best way in which he might be comfortable. If there is no response, he might need to be prodded (or enticed) another time. If it fails twice, he’s either so naïve he doesn’t get it, or he’s not interested.
If you get together this way, the conversation should lead to your relationship history and its future. Opportunity will arise for both of you to show how interested you are.
Wizard
January 6, 2007
Question: I met my boyfriend two years ago or so. At that time we were both seeing people, emotional connection and so forth but no cheating. Then I broke up with my boyfriend and he was still with his girlfriend. He came and visited me and we sort of 'hooked up'. I was leaving the country and so was he. He was leaving to go and be with his girlfriend. We kept in distance touch for some time. He came to visit me and we started dating after he broke up with his girlfriend. We did long distance for a while and then he moved to where I am and now we live together. Everything is really great. But .... he is two years younger than me and he has a general commitment problem. I am not worried about him cheating on me. I just feel like sometimes he would rather spread his wings and be 'free'. He talks to girls that are his friends and keeps in contact with old friends that are girls. I think this is strange. Is it strange? Should I just let him go, or just wait and see and give it time?
ANSWER: It is not unusual for some guys (and girls) to keep in touch with friends of the opposite sex. If everything is great, and you are not worried about him cheating on you, give it time and see what happens. If all is as good as it sounds, the relationship should grow and ripen into something even better, and all of your worrying will be for naught. If something goes wrong, well, you gave it your best.
Wizard
January 6, 2007
Question: I just found out i’m pregnant and my boyfriend’s being a real (deleted). he ignores me and if he accidentally hurts me and i say something he just looks at me then looks away. he doesn’t care. he’s saying he’s just stressed and he'll get over it, but he's making me more stressed. he’s a real (deleted) to me and he just doesn’t care. it’s all about him and he never asks how i feel. he just doesn’t care.
ANSWER: Most guys are built well enough to care, eventually. If he is hopeless, all who read this will feel for you and the baby. He said he’ll get over it, and maybe deep inside he knows that he must get over it. Give him some distance and some time, and see what develops.
Once, at least, there was good feeling between the two of you. Hopefully, some of that can be retrieved and help the two of you adjust to this reality. The baby will need both of you to be in a stable relationship and ready to provide for his or her needs.
Wizard
January 5, 2007
Question: everyone thinks that we're a bad couple and there are times when i don’t feel that i love him, but other days i can't let him go. I’m totally on and off w/ him and i know it’s not fair to him. he loves me soo much and says that i’m the only one for him, but i dont think i’m completely there yet. and i flirt w/ a lot of guys, but not on purpose. it’s just my nature. and i dont have many girl friends, mostly guys. is this really love?
ANSWER: Not yet. When you are really in love, you won’t be on and off with him and you will know that you are completely there with him. This will be true even when you continue to flirt and not have many girl friends.
Wizard
January 4, 2007
Question: me and my boyfriend have been going out for 6 months. the only thing i don't like is that he is in the "popular group," so when he's around his friends he completely ignores me. he's not a talker on the phone either; i get a phone call from him every 4 weeks or so. but when we are alone we are intimate and he is all into me, and gives me all of his attention. i really like him a lot, i just don't like how he doesn't talk to me most of the time. what do i do?
ANSWER: When you are with him and have his best attention, start with asking him how he feels about you. The answer should be satisfying to you, like “Oh, I like you a lot,” or some other affectionate response. Then tell him you need more attention when he is with his friends, and that he needs to telephone you more often, consistently with what he just told you. He might ask what you mean. Go ahead and get into the conversation, so he really knows what you need.
Be sure you do this with a smile and in an affectionate way, like when you snuggle up to him, so he subconsciously interprets this as a signal that he will get more affection from you when he does this.
He might need a reminder later, but the response should be forthcoming, if he is worth the trouble and really likes you.
Wizard
January 4, 2007
Question: I have dated/slept with a man twice my age for about 15 years. He continues to call and invite me to do things. He buys me gifts and helps me financially, but when I bring up that we should be in public together or make a lifetime commitment he becomes very agitated and insists that he will never commit after his first terrible marriage and proceeds to get drunk. I am an educated, attractive woman. I do like this person but feel that my life is slipping away remaining in such a dead-end relationship. When I try to break it off, he goes insane and goes to great lengths to win me back. Please advise. I am not happy living like this.
ANSWER: You are quite right. Your life is slipping away while you remain in such a dead-end relationship. The wizard could not say it any better than you did.
For your own good, you need to be decisive and unbending. To do this, you must decide that in your best interest you must dump him, and then commit to following through and staying with it. His insanity and efforts to win you back must not stop you.
Your future, your happiness, your success in finding a productive and loving relationship (with someone else!), all depend on you being decisive and committed to following through and staying true to that decision.
Wizard
January 4, 2007
Question: I recently ran into a guy that I had not spoken to in years. We exchanged numbers and he called ... and called ... and called! I picked up twice and had a nice conversation until he started telling me in the 2nd conversation that dating was a nightmare and that his last woman took $10,000 out of his account and all the problems he had with her son. I decided that he is not for me as I saw the red flags waving clearly. He calls me from 7:30 am until as late as 10:00 at night. I do not return his calls. Surely he will get the hint??? I started dating someone recently and I really like him. Please give me some advice on how to get rid of this parasite!
ANSWER: Good thing you see the red flags. They are important. The wizard recommends to all a little book called, What Every Girl Should Look Out for . . . RED FLAGS, by Yolanda Nave, published by Bloomsbury USA of 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY (First Edition 2004). The newer edition is The Girlfriends’ Book of RED FLAGS. You can go to Amazon to buy as well as to www.bloomsbury.com/USA. At that page just click Authors and go to Yolanda Nave. You will find two other titles on Breaking Up and on 64 Ways to Beat the Blues. Guys will enjoy it too!
Now to your problem. A dump certificate will work for this purpose, you know.
But anyway, he needs to be stopped. He should have gotten the hint. If not, and if a dump certificate doesn’t work, you should return his call and be very not-so-nice telling him that you don’t want to hear another word from his voice now or ever again. Tell him that if he continues to hound you, you will call the police and the telephone company to make formal complaint about his harassment.
Be short and simple, clear and distinct, and uncompromising. Raise your voice just a little and do not engage in conversation. Hang up once you’ve made your point.
Wizard
January 2, 2007
Question: My new boyfriend and my ex boyfriend used to be friends before my ex boyfriend and I broke up and my new boyfriend and I got together. My ex was really upset when I got together with him and made me and my new boyfriend break up once because of him. It doesn't really matter anymore because my ex ended up moving not too long ago.
Before my ex and I broke up we ended up having sex, which wasn't planned and was a first time for both of us. All my friends, who are mostly guys and my boyfriend, like to tease me about it and try to give me a hard time, but I don't really care because I don't regret it. But then, a little while ago, some friends of ours got back together for the third time. My boyfriend and I talked about this because he's his best friend and she's mine. We ended up talking about her wanting to have sex with him and then my boyfriend kind of freaked out and said that he hopes his friend can "keep it in his pants" and said that I think just like her and can't make mature decisions. He, being religious, thinks that it is a huge sin. So, basically, after much of his freaking out at me he called me and my friend sluts.
I don’t really know if I should be with him because he thinks that of me and because our beliefs are almost completely the opposite.
ANSWER: When and how one decides to engage in sex should involve mature thinking. But whether one’s decision meets the religious thinking of another has nothing to do with maturity. It has to do with one’s own beliefs.
If he truly believes you are a “slut,” there is no good reason to stay in a relationship with him. If he was angry and over-reacted, or mis-spoke without thinking first, you might forgive him if you appreciate his other qualities. He needs to apologize meaningfully to you. If he can’t, he should be dumped.
Wizard
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