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July 31, 2006
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. We have also been living together for the past year. I bought him an anniversary present a month ago (saw it, knew he would love it, and completely splurged on him - and gave it to him that evening - this was a month
before our actual anniversary). Our 2nd anniversary was this past week on a Tuesday. I gave him a card and a framed photo of us on vacation on the morning of our anniversary. I was planning on giving him his other present (which I had bought 3 months ago) the evening of our anniversary. When I gave him the card and framed photo - he thanked me, but said that he thought we were going to celebrate our anniversary on the weekend. I said that was fine and kept his other present for the weekend. Saturday came, we ran some errands in the afternoon and came home. He asked me if he could take me out in the evening. I told him I would like that. So - he takes me out to the comedy club, he orders a pretzel - so I assumed he's going to take me out elsewhere but he didn’t.
Obviously, I thought the man loved me and cared about me, and maybe even enough to think in advance on getting me a card at least, but I must be wrong. I love him so much, but I'm not about to let him hurt me again. What should I do?
ANSWER: Some guys are innocently neglectful. Other guys are supremely self-centered or self-indulgent. Some are just gutless wonders. And some are really good but just can’t get it right sometimes.
Have a frank discussion with this guy to find out which of the above applies. Then see if he is still loveable. If he is, be forgiving (this time) and work on getting the relationship right. If he isn’t, consider the past year an experience to learn from.
Wizard
July 30, 2006
Question: we were supposed to meet and he canceled last minute with a text message; no phone call or anything. should i dump him?
ANSWER: If that causes you to lose interest in him, yes.
Wizard
July 26, 2006
Question: Dear Wizard,
I have been dating this one guy for quite awhile, and now i'm losing interest in him. This is because he doesn't act his age, and when he calls he asks all these weird questions. And now my mom keeps nagging me to hang out with him. I’m just so sick of it. Do you have any advice for me?
ANSWER: Tell your mom you’ve lost interest in this guy and dump him. Your mom used to date (very likely, anyway) and she should remember that you dump guys in whom you’ve lost interest. That is a simple rule of life until you get married. Then you should work on reviving that interest if you’ve lost it – but for you that is another day out there in the future. For now, a dump is the right thing to do – and you can do it in a friendly way – but do it.
Wizard
July 25, 2006
Question: my bf of 7 months, has never . . . .
i don't smell, look weird, or have infections . . . .
i can't understand . . . . i'm embarrassed to ask him why he doesn't . . . . is he lazy, self-centered, or plain stupid?
ANSWER: Lazy is not likely. Inexperienced? Maybe. Self-centered? No. Stupid? Very.
Wizard
July 25, 2006
Question: WELL..I WAS IN ST. LOUIS THIS SUMMER AND I LIKED A GUY BUT THAT GUY DIDNT TELL ME HE FELT LOVE FOR ME BECAUSE HE WAS WITH ANOTHER GIRL...BUT NOW THTA I AM IN MY COUNTRY AGAIN WE TALKED BY MSN AND HE TOLD ME HE FELT SOMETHING FOR ME. I DID THE SAME. SO NOW I THINK WE ARE TOGETHER BUT HE HASNT WRITTEN IN 2 WEEKS.....
ANSWER: Maybe he just got busy. Maybe he’s back with the other girl. Maybe he found a new girl who is closer and easier to have a relationship with. Maybe he just changed his mind.
Who knows.
Wizard
July 25, 2006
Question: Hey wizard
I have been seein’ this guy for a little over a month and we have been friends for about 3 years. Well I have a kid, and as a single mom i am very independent. Well this guy, he has no job. He lies to get money from his family and plus i think he has a drug problem. I am tryin’ to help him through it all but when i confront him about something, A) I m scared he might get mad and leave, and b) he denies stuff. I really want us to work out because i really do care about him but how do i confront him about the job and drug issue w/o him gettin mad?
ANSWER: The wizard cannot predict what will get your guy mad – all people are different and your guy could be super-sensitive about almost anything.
Your question suggests that your guy is supersensitive about job and drug problems. These are important issues for him and for anyone who wants a relationship with him. If he is too sensitive to talk about those issues, unless you are married, you should consider getting another guy who does not have job and drug issues.
Yes, give up on him. If he does not respect you enough to discuss these important issues with you, you should not put up with him.
Wizard
July 23, 2006
Question: my fiance is behaving very strange! He’s quite moody and when i ask him what’s the matter he says nothing! he's criticizing me, and changes his mind like the weather. 1 day he talks positive about our future, the next he’s negative. so im not sure if he’s confused or he wants out. this weekend ive asked him 4 a snog and i get a peck. we havent even had sex which is very odd. his mum died in Dec and her birthday’s on the 9 Aug. could it be that?? He’s clammed up and we hardly spoke all weekend. he's also got a daughter who tags along with us most places holding her hand fingers locked so im not sure what’s going off. can u plz help me?
ANSWER: It could be the jitters. Marriage after all is a big step. It could be the birthday but that is doubtful. It could be worse.
The problem is the lack of communication. This behavior is strange for its lack of message. What’s the secret? If things aren’t right, he should say so. You need to get communication going from him and from you to him – quick, because this is no way to go into a marriage.
Wizard
July 22, 2006
Question: i need to know if i should dump a guy because he doesn't like my friends, and my friends are my everything. he is the sweetest guy, and i can tell that he cares about me, but i can't decide...best friends, or great relationship? and, honestly, i don't know how long this relationship between me and him will last.
plz help.
ANSWER: If he doesn’t like your friends, he should at least put those feelings aside and be polite and congenial to them. Don’t give up on your friends. Insist that they are and shall remain an essential part of your life. If he doesn’t acknowledge that, dump him.
Explain to him that if your friends did not like him, you would still date him, because good friends will like you enough to put aside their feelings and be polite and congenial to him. He should act the same way.
Put another way: Your relationship with your boyfriend is more important than friends who will not accept your decision about who your boyfriend is, and your relationship with your friends is more important than a boyfriend who will not accept your decision about who your friends are.
Wizard
July 22, 2006
Question: P.S. from previous item ( . . . .)
Saw the P.S. The Wizard agrees 100% with your friends.
Wizard
July 22, 2006
Question: Dear Wizard,
I've been dating a man for two years. When he's on business, whether in town or out of town, he frequents strip clubs with his partners. I do not believe he has ever gone alone and/or 'physically' cheated.
When I've asked him about it, he does admit to it but always says it's 'harmless eye candy'. He's even told me 'it's none of my business', 'don't want to go there', etc. (This is coming from a man that I'm supposed to be in an exclusive relationship with.)
He knows I don't like it because, as I see it, I feel cheated on and threatened by it. He's always said he will not stop going in spite of my feelings...'adjust'. I, therefore, have never planned to ever marry this man or even live with him.
Because I do enjoy his company and we do fun things together, etc. I have agreed to be in this exclusive relationship with him during the past two years regardless. I've recently told him that I've gotten fed up with putting up with behavior that's not okay with me, that I don't intend to be exclusive with him anymore and have accepted an offer for a date from another man. I told him I would still like to continue our relationship/friendship and that I wanted to be up front with him as not to be deceptive. He says 'no way', if I go out with another man, it's over.
Am I just being insecure and jealous about the strip club thing? This has been a difficult issue for me ever since I've been dating him because he treats me so very well in so many other ways.
The bottom line about his behavior is this: if there's something he wants to do that I disagree with, he's going to do it...period. What are your thoughts please???
ANSWER: Eye candy is one way to look at it. Many guys (certainly not all of them) like to go to strip clubs as a kind of occasional recreation. It might be a lot like buying a “gentleman’s” magazine with pictures of naked women, except that now they are live. Some guys can’t keep their eyes off women they think are beautiful as they walk by, even when they’re on a date!
If they remain faithful, are truthful about it, don’t drink too much, and don’t make too much of a habit of it, many people would say (though many do not agree) it is a relatively harmless activity.
And one might give him credit for being so honest about it. Just as you didn’t want to deceive, we can see that he isn’t deceiving either.
If this were the only concern you had, perhaps you could look the other way.
However:
- He has either no understanding of how you feel or, if he understands, it is of no importance to him that you feel cheated or threatened by this behavior.
- He is unwilling to change or reduce the occurrence of a recreation to make you more comfortable.
- This rigidity includes an insistence on the “exclusiveness” of your relationship.
You say he has been good to you in so many other ways. Are any of those ways of any real meaning or significance?
If his unbending demeanor carries into issues about quality of life (of which your strip club concern is one of many), future plans (like where to live, what to do for work, what church to go to, whether to get married or have children), and moral choices (of which there are so many), then you should accept other dates until you have found a man with whom you are comfortable and happy.
The bottom line is that you have already decided you will not marry or even live with this man. That being true, you should not date him exclusively.
Wizard
July 18, 2006
Question: I've been dating this guy for over a year. Lately I been having a feeling that he has been cheating on me with a co-worker of his. I found a b-day card and she had signed it with a heart and xo's. My birthday just passed and he bought me a dozen roses after I had cried to him that he didn't get me anything for my b-day. I also found his co-worker’s number on his cell and pictures of her. He also breaks plans with me if his friends call and ask him to go out. What should I do?
ANSWER: He shouldn’t break plans with you if he had made them, and the birthday card is more than suspicious.
See if he is honest about it. Ask him about her, the birthday card, the number on his cell phone, and the pictures. Unless some wildly weird thing is happening, his interest in her is more than helping the boss get through next week’s production quotas. If he is not honest about it, dump him. If he is honest about it, but wants to continue seeing her, dump him.
If he says he is sorry, that it was all a mistake, and he wants to make up, don’t trust him.
Wizard
July 17, 2006
Question: I've been dating this man for the last 3 yrs and lately he won't talk to me online. He'll call me most days and say he'll call back, then he doesn't. And when he's online he's invisible. And he doesn't always tell the truth about his activities. I love him and he says he loves me unconditionally. Should I dump him?
ANSWER: You should know by now how committed or uncommitted he is. If you love him, you can give him all the rope he needs to either fit the role you expect him to play or to hang himself.
If you begin to doubt whether you love him, you probably don’t, and then would be a good time to dump.
Wizard
July 15, 2006
Question: I met him four weeks ago, and he has been attentive, liking me very much. Texts, phone calls, etc. For the first few weeks I was away on the weekends but saw him through the week. In the last few weekends since I have been here, he has been strangely unavailable by phone, text, etc. One weekend he told me he left his phone in his boss’s car. Last weekend, we were supposed to make plans, and he ignored me again. I told him by text that I was out-had enough. He now tells me after I emailed him that he was sick all weekend, and is being a baby because I did that, and that it was irrational-I should have called him. Now, it's the weekend again, tried to call him, and his phone is off. Hmm...
ANSWER: The foibles of cellphonic dating! He seems unable to make up his mind and stay committed. He is either a scatterbrain, his interest in you is less than what he says, he’s got his weekends all bottled up, or he simply cannot manage the cellphone well.
You will need to find out. Hmm…
Wizard
July 12, 2006
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 months. We live about 5 hours apart. It was already hard on me not seeing him but every 3 weeks or so. But now he is changing colleges and is going to be even further away. I am going through a very rough time. My mother is very sick and I need someone to lean on. And he is just not here.
Another thing is an old flame. There was never really ever any closure. But recently he told me how he felt about me- that he should have never let me go. That I was the best thing that ever happened to him. And the worst part is that I still have feelings for him. What do I do? Stay with my bf that is so far away, or try again with the old flame?
ANSWER: Why is it that the “worst part” is that you still have feelings for him? It may be the best part, if you surely do, and he is interested, and the once-every-three-weeks boyfriend will be even more distant.
If the circumstances of your break-up were bad, and he was the cause, it may be the worst part, and his nearness and availability would not be a reason to go back. If he is a truly good guy, and the circumstances were not bad, then maybe you should try again with the old flame.
Wizard
July 12, 2006
Question: OK, I've been datin' this guy for like two years. He lived across from me and that's how we met. I was in the middle of a divorce. Well, He ended up movin' in with me at my apartment. We broke up b/c he didn't have a job. So a couple months later, I buy a house. He has a job and moves back in with me. Gets food poisoning, looses his job. Recovers from food poisoning. We leave to go on a twelve hour trip to pick up his two year old son, wrecks my car, I go broke. And now I'm playing mom with both him and his son. He's a great guy except for he can't seem to keep a job. I know it's a hard world out there, but I'm 20 years old, and he is 28. I have a job and I've bought a new car and new house. I really don't know if this guy is good for me or not. Even if I wanted to kick him out... That would be so cruel! What should I do?
ANSWER: He’s a hard-luck guy. Nothing that happened to him happened because he’s a bad dude.
If you love him, and he loves you, he might be the right guy for you – except for some bad luck. If you don’t love him, or if he doesn’t love you, then you shouldn’t be his sole source of charity.
You need to decide whether he provides something good for you, like good company, or love, or humor and happiness. If he does, that might be worth as much as having a job or better luck.
Wizard
July 10, 2006
Question: I am dating this guy now for the past 5 months. Before him I was dating a guy for 5 years. I loved the guy before... and I still love him now, but he is not a good boyfriend. I was afraid he would hurt me bad. But this new guy is a great boyfriend, nice, considerate... but he is such a loser and is really not my style.
ANSWER: No one should fear that his or her date will “hurt me bad.” Any one who can inspire that feeling must be avoided. Who will stand in front of a moving train?
So you did the right thing, eventually. Five years is a long time.
The new date doesn’t fit for you. Find a new one. You aren’t required to date him just because he is nice and considerate. Most guys are nice and considerate, actually. Find one who fits.
Wizard
July 10, 2006
Question: I have no idea what to do!!
I have a boyfriend and I do like him, I do. But I like someone else more, and it just seems whenever my boyfriend is around we don't even act like we are going out. I don't want to dump him because I feel horrible. I have gotten advice from a few of my friends and they think I should. If I dump him though, I am scared I will not be as close friends with my friend Bobbie. Bobbie and my boyfriend are best friends and it is how I have become good friends with Bobbie, by going out with my boyfriend. I don't want to lose the relationship Bobby and I currently have. I have decided to talk to him about this whole situation but I still don't know what to do!!!
ANSWER: You should not date your boyfriend for the sole purpose of keeping a friendship with someone else. You should follow your friends’ advice.
Talking to Bobbie is a good decision. Tell Bobbie exactly what you put in your question – that if your dating relationship ends with your boyfriend, you hope it does not cause an end to your friendship with Bobbie. If Bobbie is at all knowledgeable about dating and the social world, Bobbie will understand and want to remain your friend.
Wizard
July 10, 2006
Question: ok, this guy im going out with,
he is sweet, but he is WIERD!
and i have a feeling he is unfaithful,
and is a player, i feel like the same though, cause i dont really like him anymore, not like i used to.
I just want to move on.
ANSWER: Then do so, and have fun. Good, healthy, realistic, downright straight to the point, and effective thinking.
Wizard
July 8, 2006
Question: I've been with this guy for almost 3 and a half years. I loved him so much and still do, but I just don't feel anything for him anymore. He scares me whenever I bring up separating; sometimes he seems suicidal. He loves me so much and wants to marry me, but I just don't feel anything. I haven't told him any of this, in fact, I've kind of assured him that we'll be together. I don't know what to do.
ANSWER: Uh oh. You sound confused. “I loved him so much and still do ....” You don’t feel anything for him any more. How does that work? Your guy is probably just as confused.
Will you stay with him to keep him from committing suicide? You should not allow yourself to be a slave to your boyfriend’s weaknesses. If you truly love him, which means you feel very much in love, you will stay with him anyway, and help him through any of his problems. If you don’t love him any more, because you don’t feel anything for him any more, then you need to end the relationship, regardless of his problems.
This sounds cruel, but you are not his mother, fairy godmother, or his angel. You are a young woman with a life to live.
If you are sure it is over, then you should not assure him of anything, but rather do just the opposite. Move out (if you live with him) and end the dating relationship. You can still try to be of help to him as a friend, but don’t confuse him any more, because that hurts as much as anything. The healthiest thing for him is to learn, and accept, the fact that you are moving on and that he must move on too.
If dreams must be dashed, get them dashed, so new beginnings can happen.
Wizard
July 8, 2006
Question: hi i sorta have the same problem as a question under me. ive been datin this guy for 4 months and he’s younger than me but it didnt bug me before but it recently has started 2. im like longing for a guy my age but i dont want 2 just give this one up because if i dump him it'll be hard because my family knows him and I know his family well and they love me...and another thing that bugs me is he has no lips! grrr i just had 2 say it  well, hope ya can help me.
ANSWER: Family members know that dating is a temporary thing. Have they been asking if you are getting married? Of course not, because they know that life moves on like a meandering stream, and the two of you will eventually move in different directions.
Go date a guy your age (with lips) and have fun.
Wizard
July 8, 2006
Question: hey wizard. a little while ago there was a mix-up in stories between my boyfriend. so our parents are feuding and his mother wants us to break up but my mom doesnt think this whole situation is that bad. yet our parents dislike each other a great deal. plus his parents are keeping him grounded till he breaks up w/ me. so i really dont want 2 break up w/ him but another side of me says i should. so should i? thanx 4 the help.
ANSWER: Feuding parents is a drag - like in Romeo and Juliet.
The older you are, the easier it is to date without regard to the parents. Conversely, the younger you are the more difficult it is to date without regard to the parents. If you are young, you may have to wait a while before the feuding stops and you can date each other again. If you are more independent because you are older, you’ll be able to date anyway, and it depends more on your own judgment.
Without more information about your ages and about whatever the mix-up was, no further comment or advice can be given.
Wizard
July 6, 2006
Question: hi, i have been going out with my boyfriend for 4 months and im not sure im in love with him. he finds it hard to talk to me and we sometimes have arguments. also he doesnt bring a spark in me unlike my ex boyfriend who did.
i do like him though and he is very kind, caring and trustworthy and really sweet but i don't know what to do or how to do it// help me
ANSWER: The best way is with honesty and clarity. “Honesty” means that you tell him what you’ve said here – that you are not in love with him, that you have arguments, that he doesn’t bring a spark, and that you think the dating should end even though you know he is caring, trustworthy, and sweet. “Clarity” means that you don’t hedge about it – tell him you are definite in your decision and though he might not like it, and though you don’t want to hurt him at all, you’ve made your decision.
If you lead him on to thinking you are not sure, that you might re-think it, or that you will continue to try it for a while, you are only leading him deeper into a relationship with you, and that will make the break up that much harder.
If you are honest about how you feel, a guy with good character will understand and accept it. If he doesn’t accept it, then you know you should have dumped him a lot earlier.
Wizard
July 3, 2006
Question: Hi, I've been going out with a guy for nearly 3 months. He is TOTALLY into me, thinks I am The One, talks about future plans together, says he loves me all the time, etc. He is changing his bad-boy behavior for me EVEN THOUGH I didn't ask him to. He is sweet as and treats me really well, but I'm just not into him very much! I don't feel the same way for him as he does for me. Should I wait some time to see if feelings develop? Also, I don't think he is 'good enough' for me and I am embarrassed to be seen with him in front of my friends, family or just out in town. Am I mean?? I don't want to dump him because I am all he has going for him in his life at the moment... he is in trouble with his family, the cops etc. I am afraid of what he would do to himself if I let him go. Do you have any advice for me? Thank you!
ANSWER: You are not mean to be frank about how you feel. You owe yourself an obligation to listen to yourself. Do not hold back a dump to save him from himself. You have one life and you should be able to live it.
Do not “wait some time to see if feelings develop.” You could get tied into this problem even more than you are now.
You are not his baby-sitter and you are not his mother. The answer is that you should dump him as soon as possible, doing it as nicely as possible, but doing it nonetheless.
Three months of dating, no matter how much you dated, does not cause the problems this guy may have. If he falls off the deep end, you are not the real cause. Don’t let yourself shoulder any blame. If he dates, he will get dumped. That’s what dating is. If he can’t handle it, should everyone he dates suffer guilt for fear that he can’t handle it? Nope.
Wizard
July 3, 2006
Question: hi. me and my boyfriend are so compatible and perfect for each other really but.. he’s about a year younger than me and a lot of my friends had younger boyfriends but the relationship didn’t work out. so i have negativity all around me. He’s 15 and im 15 but im turning 16 in august and he just turned 15 this year. i can see us being together a long time but he’s a sophomore and i’m a junior and if i go 2 college i don’t want 2 leave him. i want someone my own age but he’s everything i want. so am i just making too big of a deal or should i break up with him before it gets to intense because the later it becomes the hard it will be. so help please what your advice??
ANSWER: It is terrific that you feel so compatible with your boyfriend. Do not dump him because your friends have had bad experiences with younger boys. You are making too much of a deal about that. Enjoy yourself and enjoy your relationship.
Most relationships at your age don’t work out – but that is not a reason to avoid dating. If you are still together when you start looking at college (as doubtful as that is), you’ll deal with that when it happens. Let the future take its course and just enjoy what you are doing.
One last thing. You are right that it becomes harder to dump “the later it becomes” after the relationship is more intense. If that alone were a good reason to dump, then no relationship could last. You should dump when you have no doubt that the relationship is not working – and get it done clearly and cleanly. When the relationship is ticking along smoothly, don’t derail it.
Wizard
July 2, 2006
Question: My boyfriend is always working and I'm out of state for five weeks and I left for vacation a week after dating him and now he can't take a joke. I don't know if I want to stay with him . . . .
ANSWER: Then you probably shouldn’t.
Wizard
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