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June 30, 2006
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 11 months. He's thoughtful, respectful, goal orientated, and we have loads of fun when we are together. The only problem is that it’s about to turn into a long distance relationship… again. As he attended college last year, it was difficult not to miss him obscenely. We would see each other every 2-5 weeks
and I hated it! Sometimes I wanted him to hold me, kiss me or take a walk with me and he wouldn’t be there. It’s hard to become accustomed to missing someone. It was through periodic visits, phone calls and letters that we managed to stay together. So far, this summer has been wonderful but I can’t help but dread September. I adore him but these periods without him are dreadful. Should I subject myself to more torture? Should I end this and crush us both for a time or continue to torture ourselves for endless months or years? I don’t know if or when we will ever truly be together. All I know is that he’s everything I could ever want. As each day passes . . .
ANSWER: A long distance over a long time is a relationship killer. It doesn’t have to be that way if both guy and girl can keep their love and commitment to each other strong. Letters, emails, phone calls, and visits as often as possible are the best way to wrestle with distance and time. Being apart can be torturous, as you have found out.
Use the regret you both feel about being apart as a motivation to stay committed and keep at it. A relationship as good as yours is worth preserving. When he is away, go out with friends and enjoy yourself as much as possible. Stay active and social. Then enjoy every moment you get with your guy, as infrequent as those moments may be.
Whatever takes a loved one away (school, war, illness, family, work), the reason to be apart will wither away over time and true love is timeless. Yes, if you both share the same love, time is on your side. The two of you will be together again if you let time do its work on the cause of your separation.
Wizard
June 29, 2006
Question: Steven treats me like dirt in front of our friends. He's always trying to touch me, even when I don't want to. Daniel no longer tries to make time for us. He doesn't treat me to romantic things like he once did.
ANSWER: All good reasons for the dump of Steven.
Wizard
June 27, 2006
Question: ive been with my guy for 6 months. he doesnt pay a lot of interest to me any more. he hates me going out. he doesnt want me 2 go to my prom. im not allowed 2 speak 2 boys and he argues with me everyday about nothing!!! writing down these bad points is kinda making me choose the right decision now. but i dont want to end it because i love him. xxhelpxx
ANSWER: You said it. The right decision is a dump. Don’t confuse yourself. You are worth more and deserve more.
Wizard
June 26, 2006
Question: Hi, i have been dating my boyfriend for almost three years and i have never loved anyone more than him, but sometimes i don't feel like he feels the same. He says he loves me and that we will always be together but then he turns around spends zero time with me. Also i feel like our relationship is turned into more lust than love. I am his first girlfriend and so everything that happened i have done before, but now all he wants is sex and i keep telling him to wait. i would rather wait until we are older. I just want to know. i love him so much, but is me always making an effort to be with him worth it? there is another guy and i don't like him, but he likes me and he is so nice to me, but i don't want to hurt him. he knows i have a boyfriend but he keeps telling me he will wait. I want everything to work out. my boyfriend means the world to me, which then makes me question, do i love him too much? help me please.
ANSWER: You don’t like the other guy, but you don’t want to hurt him. He says he can wait. Best for you not to date him for the simple reason that you don’t like him. Don’t worry – if you haven’t started a relationship, you won’t hurt him.
You love your boyfriend very much. That should be sufficient to keep your relationship together, so long as he maintains the same interest in you. Love is a good thing that cannot be too much IF the guy is giving you love back. And there is the rub, because you express concern that he spends “zero time” with you and you’re suspicious that his love is lust. Love is much more than sex, as you know. If he truly loved you, wouldn’t he pay you back with the kind of love you give him?
The wizard worries about his experience, knowledge, and maturity, because this is his first relationship. This fact should make you be cautious about getting too invested in this relationship. So, is it worth it for you to make an effort with this guy? If he can return to you the same love, yes. If not, probably no.
Wizard
June 20, 2006
Question: Hi there, I met this guy a month or so ago and we've been meeting up ever since, and were in a physical/emotional 'relationship' (i'm 27) until he disappeared a few weekends ago to say he's 'out of pocket' - after much questioning, in a light vein - as I didn’t have any reason to distrust him - he said his ex was in town and was staying with him. Then he says they slept together and he wants the option to date her and me till he makes up his mind. Am i being unreasonable by telling him he's an indecisive idiot and that I'm dropping out of this race?
ANSWER: You’re not even on the racetrack; you’re stuck in the pit until he calls.
You don’t want to be the “other” girl at his whim and desire. It cheapens the relationship and humiliates any part of you that is self-respecting.
No, you are not unreasonable.
Wizard
June 17, 2006
Question: My boyfriend went out Friday night with the guys. He is over 21 and his friend turned 21 Friday night. I asked if they were going to a strip club and he told me no and promised he wouldn't go no matter what. I really feel like he did. The place he claimed he went to, there are a lot of clubs near each other but there is a strip club right on the way home there and he knows every girl in the place from before we started dating. Not to mention he loves to be the center of attention, so he would be king of the strip club in front of his guy friends.
What should I do? I am trying to trust him. Do you think his friends made him go? What do you think about this situation, that I should believe him because he promised he wouldn't go? I don't care if he goes as long as he is not going to lie about it. I haven't talked to him yet because it was last night.
ANSWER: Highly unlikely that his friends made him go.
Tell him that you don’t care that he went, if he did, but that you do care about him lying to you. That should help, because he wouldn’t lie (presumably) if he thought it was okay with you to go there.
Going out to a strip club with the guys is not a breach of faith or trust with you – but the lie about it is, to a degree, but only to a degree. Here is the logic. Try to follow it.
He really looks forward to this night out with the guys, especially with his friend who just turned 21. He’s got that goal on his mind – no woman, no matter how clever, can rid a guy of that goal. At the same time, he thinks you are uneasy about him going to the strip club (because you asked him about it). He’ll say no, that he wouldn’t go no matter what, because he’ll say anything to get to go.
As illogical and foolish this may sound to you, from the guy’s perspective it is entirely logical and sensible. From his point of view, going to the strip club is innocent recreation, a fun thing to do with other guys, and harmless in so far as you are concerned. If you felt uneasy about it, he didn’t.
If you do not want a boyfriend who finds fun at a strip club, you should find another boyfriend. He is not likely to get over it because you want him to, though he might be able to reduce the number of times he goes. If going to the strip club is not on your list of “never do’s,” then talk to him about being truthful about going, telling him you don’t mind if he goes, “occasionally.”
Good Luck.
Wizard
June 14, 2006
Question: Should i dump my boyfriend? He is highly sexual, not goal-oriented, and very disrespectful. However, I love him and he LOVES/ADORES me a lot as well. Im so torn, it would crush him if we broke up!
ANSWER: Do not make your decision based on how much he adores you. Make your decision on how you feel about him. If you love him, but you don’t like how sexual he is, or how not goal-oriented he is, or how disrespectful he is, you must decide how important those things are, and how much he will listen to you when you try to get him to understand that he needs to change those things.
You will not likely change him – but he can change himself if he is capable of understanding how you feel, respecting your needs, and appreciating the need for him to learn to improve in your relationship, just as he would expect the same from you if he had issues.
Wizard
June 14, 2006
Question: I have been dating this guy for 7 months. The only problem is that when I tell him I am having company or something he always wants to be around. Last week I told him that my friend was coming over and he still insisted that he wanted to stay. When I told him to leave at a certain time he told me that he was not leaving at my time – he was going to leave at his time. Another problem I had with him was that two
months ago he had made a copy of my keys without my knowledge. I had one of my high school friends over watching wrestling and he opens my door and walks in. He went up to my friend and starts questioning him about who is he to me. When my friend responded I was his home girl my b/f says oh really well I’ve been f***ing since November. My friend just completely ignored him. I don’t know why I am still with him. He always wants to sleep at my house and when I tell him no he has a fit. He also does not trust any women. When he came into my house that day his . . . (ends).
I just met someone else about a month ago. We have been dating. I don’t know what to do. The guy that I am seeing so far seems to be really nice and I like him. At the same time I am unhappy in a way with the way my B/f is. If it is better for me to leave my boyfriend what would be the best way to tell him.
ANSWER: It is better that your boyfriend leave you. That he would copy your keys and take control of where you live is plainly obnoxious. What do you do with a nasty fly?
He needs to return the keys and move out. If he refuses, he is trespassing – unless he is a co-signor on a lease or something like that. If he isn’t, you should really make it clear to him that he cannot take over like that at your residence. After he is gone, just don’t call him any more. Date whomever you like, whenever you like.
Get professional help if he will not leave.
Wizard
June 13, 2006
Question: ok i liked this guy named Richie and he didn't like me and now i flirt with this new guy named Larry and i totally like him. he is really cute. but now Richie asked me out and someone put a note in his locker saying "yes" xoxox and now we’re going out but i tried to explain and i couldn't. i didn't want to hurt his feelings. but then my friend told me that Larry was going to ask me out. what do i do?
ANSWER: If Larry asks you out, say yes, and explain to Richie that you didn’t put the note in the locker. It was someone else and you don’t know who it was. Don’t worry about his feelings. He’s quite resilient, I assure you, and the mystery of who it was will intrigue him.
Wizard
June 13, 2006
Question: I really like this guy like really and i flirt with him all the time and he flirts back and he’s dating this girl who is really popular and can get her friends to beat up people for just looking at her wierd and she's not right for him and just the other day i heard her talking to her friends saying she's just dating him to get back at her ex-boyfriend and she's going to dump him at jr prom. now i want to tell him but if she finds out then i'm dead and i don't want to hurt his feelings and i don't just LOVE him he's my friend to so as a friend and a secret admirer what should i do!
ANSWER: Let events occur – just having heard her say that to friends is not enough for it to be true. If it turns out to be true, it was going to happen whether you told him or not.
Wizard
June 12, 2006
Question: my friends have said my boyfriend is cheating on me but he denies it so i ask the girl he was supposedly cheating on with and she says she doesn’t even know him
ANSWER: Must be the boyfriend is okay – OR, maybe she had such a bad experience she doesn’t want to know him. Only you can judge that one.
Wizard
June 12, 2006
Question: ok there is this guy who likes me and i don't like him and my friend likes him but he doesn't like her and i need to dump him so he will stop bugging me and date my friend but i don't want to hurt his feelings, what do i do?
ANSWER: Tell him you’re not interested – no hard feelings – but that you can hook him up with someone really nice. Then give him your friend’s name.
If he doesn’t stop bugging you, you will have to be less pleasant.
Wizard
June 12, 2006
Question: I have been going out with this guy for the past three years and now we have a baby together. he loves me and does not cheat on me. Before we had a baby we used to go out more often and it was my money that we used to spend. Till today, i spend my money when travelling to see him, and I also must have money for food and as well as entertainment. if i do not have money that weekend, he says i must stay home.
His argument is that he earns less money than i earn. even his mother agrees with him on this one. He does not support his child, i pay the nanny, buy food and clothes for our baby, whereas he was able to buy himself a DVD, microwave, fridge and a 91cm color TV, things that i do not have because i struggle to make ends meet for me and my baby and him sometimes.
He is a good lover. i know i might never find someone like him but he is not of any use. I cant live with love alone. He just refuses to commit himself as a father, and goes boasting around that he has a beautiful baby. he does not help in anyway. sometimes he refers me to his parents, but we must be responsible for her. He insists he does not earn enough and he refuses to look for another job that pays well because he is a qualified electrician. He dumped me recently, because i left him with the baby and went out with friends. Now my problem is that I miss him, but he does more harm to me than i do to him, must i let him go and get a life of my own?
ANSWER: He can’t really dump you and you can’t really dump him. Your child’s needs require that neither of you get dumped. It should be clear to both of you that the child must come first and deserves the best from you both.
His obligation to the child is emotional and financial. If he is worth anything at all, he will commit to helping his child both emotionally and financially, and will follow through. You should be able to get a court to enforce the financial part, if he doesn't follow through..
As difficult as it is, try to rebuild and reinvigorate your life. A new relationship (if a good one) could be a healthy new beginning for you. You do not need to find a new relationship – you can try to build with what you’ve got. It is up to you – but your new boyfriend, should you elect to find a new relationship, will need to know about the child and the father. You should not expect or demand him to replace the father as a father, but as a lover, yes.
Good luck to you in this most difficult situation. This is a time for you to be heroic for your child – and it is easier said than done.
Wizard
June 10, 2006
Question: Hi, it's me, the gal with the pest at work (posted Jan. 7). You hit the nail on the head! I didn't tell you that part, but he's already saying he loves me & wants to get married. Y'all are perceptive. I'm going with the murderous boyfriend just out of prison story. Now, for the next guy who comes along, should I make up excuses (actually I do have two jobs and don't have a lot of time, so that's not entirely a made-up excuse, although I'm sure I'd find time for Mr. Right) or just say from the beginning, "Thank you, but I'm not interested", or do you have some nice lines I can use? And in general, should one give someone a chance and say yes to a casual date, even if they don't look interesting in the beginning?
ANSWER: For the next guy who comes along, you should not need to make up excuses. The weirdly made-up excuse is for those who just don’t get it and need a significant push. But for the average guy who tries (sometimes so gallantly, sometimes not), a simple “Thank you, but I am not interested” should do it. If said with a smile, isn’t that nice enough?
In general, it is your own sense of what you want to do that counts. If a guy presents anything that you find attractive or interesting, say yes, and it doesn’t have to be good looks, suavity, charisma, intelligence, or all those other things that people look for. It could be a sudden quip, a wink, an ingratiating smile, or something even more quirky, like a big earlobe, small nose, knobby knees, or who knows what else. If you like him enough for a casual date, maybe just enough to want to know more about him, yes, accept the casual date and have fun.
Some “nice” lines with varying degrees of niceness:
- Most effective: I’m sorry, I already have a boyfriend. Maybe next time.
- Semi effective: I’m too busy right now. Check with me next month.
- Semi effective: You’re very nice, but I’m just not feeling like a date right now.
Always be careful not to mislead if you definitely do not want to date the guy. If he is an interesting catch, and you’re unsure about your current boyfriend, you can try variations on numbers 1, 2, and 3 above.
The wizard could write volumes on this subject but must keep it short for this site. Good luck and remember always to have fun.
Wizard
June 9, 2006
Question: hi its me again [see June 5], the lady with a boyfriend who drinks and goes on about my ex who passed away and the other guy whom i like and kissed a few weeks back...he didn’t tell me himself that he beats his girlfriend. i heard it from someone and when i discussed it with him...not directly but in the conversation he told me that he would never ever lift his hands on a woman. and he also said that respect for a woman makes the relationship better. so i don’t know what to believe.
ANSWER: Thanks for the update. He said the right things. If he’s truthful, he might be your next date. Just be careful.
The three years should not matter if you are not so young that it makes an obvious difference, like 20 or less. The relationship with someone else should go away, even if it is serious, because you will be worth it.
Wizard
June 7, 2006
Question: Should I dump my guy? I saw him leave a club with another girl but he swears nothing happened...so I believed him. But I keep seeing his car outside her place and he always has an excuse for why it was there.
ANSWER: What’s he doing, homework? Feeding the dog? Checking the boiler downstairs? Fixing the toaster? How about hiding from the dumpster?
Wizard
June 7, 2006
Question: A guy at work asked me out. I wasn't interested so I told him I was very, very busy, working two jobs, so didn't know when I'd have the time. He still asks me out, every few days stopping by to see if I have time yet. I also got into a big discussion with him about my menstrual problems, figuring that would gross him out & he'd
leave me alone. It didn't, now he always asks how I'm feeling. He's really very sweet, but clueless. Now that I've put him off several times, but he still has hope, how can I nicely say "Look, I'm just not interested"? And is it really fair of me not to be interested in just going for coffee or something, when we haven't even had a decent conversation? It's shallow; there's no immediate spark kind of thing. Should I give him a chance, or will I just hurt him more later? I know you say dump them clearly and firmly but nicely. Could you give some examples of things to say? I never really know the best way to turn a guy down from the start. Most of my girlfriends . . . . (ends here)
ANSWER: “Look, I’m just not interested” is a great start. It’s clear, direct, simple, and short. The efforts you made should have worked, especially the menstrual problem. Though you say he’s very sweet, his unusual persistence is a sign of things not so sweet.
Any normal, sensible, nice guy, one who would understand and honor your need to make your own decisions, would back off.
Imagine trying to dump a guy like this who believes you are the love of his life. Beware: This guy could come to that conclusion after a simple “going for coffee or something.” Here is a worrisome thought: maybe he has already come to that conclusion.
You’ve tried enough nice ways. He will not listen to nice ways, at least not until something distracts him away from you. Let’s hope for that, but here are a few less friendly things to say – things that are clearly exaggerated so he knows your real message is to bug off.
“My boyfriend was convicted of murdering his previous girlfriend. He’s just out of prison and on parole. If he sees you, surely he’s gonna do something to put himself back in prison.”
“I’ve got lupus and aids. It’s really awful because everyone I touch dies within three months.”
“My 95 year-old grandfather thinks I am his old girlfriend. He needs me at home whenever I am not working. I don’t think you should meet him.”
“I’m the youngest of six wives of a polygamist who claims to be a Mormon but really isn’t. He won’t share his wives with anyone.”
Such weirdly concocted stories tell the guy you are not available and you’ll tell him anything to get the message across.
If this doesn’t work, tell him the hardest, most honest truth: “Look – if you don’t stop this and leave me alone, I will call the police and charge you with criminal harassment.”
Wizard
June 6, 2006
Question: I am 44 and my bf is 44. We have been dating for 8 months. We have been arguing more about issues that aren't important. I have suddenly realized that as much as I love his personality, he sucks romantically, which hurts my feelings a lot. I cross the bridge 2 to three times a week, paying tolls and gas...I spend time with his children, taking them shopping, playing games, I decorated his
apartment when he asked me to, I go everywhere with him to all friends and family functions. He has a leg wound and I care for that, wrapping a cleaning it regularly. We do not talk about living together or future plans, he does not pay any of my bills, nor does he offer gas money or toll money, when I take his kids out, he never hands me money to say here buy yourself something. I always buy his kids things for their birthdays, communions, holidays, etc. He has only bought my kids something for Christmas. He never gets me flowers for no reason, or a card. I am missing the affection. And trust me, he has . . . . (ends here).
ANSWER: He might be a good guy full of good intentions and appreciative of all that you do. He just lacks class – unschooled in social graces – deficient in the simple art of expressing love and appreciation.
You sound like the perfect woman, one who a good many men in the forty-ish age would love to have around – and for whom they would express their affection and appreciation more often and in ways more meaningful.
Can you somehow get him to re-orient himself into a Cary Grant? Remember this: You cannot reorient him; he must reorient himself. You can only encourage, assist, even cajole, but the actual turn-around must be his doing for it to be lasting and real.
His age isn’t determinative of his ability to come around. It is his heart and to a smaller degree his intelligence. If you have been talking to him about his “problem” and he has no response, he may not be worth the effort. If you need to express yourself a little more, do so, and use your best judgment in how long you wait.
Wizard
June 6, 2006
Question: I cheated on him but then he does not support his child. He is just of no help financially. Everything I do that involves money I do it alone. I feel like I'm the one putting more effort to make the relationship work. The relationship is really straining me. However, he is not sure that I cheated. I Feel like I could achieve a lot if I dumped him. My life is just going nowhere with him around.
ANSWER: Whether you cheated on him, and whether he really knows about it, are irrelevant to what is happening to you. The relevant facts are that the relationship is straining you and you feel that life is going nowhere around him.
If the child is yours and his (if so, see a lawyer), you need to rearrange things so that he remains an involved father and pays child support – but your relationship in romance is thoroughly over. If the child is his but not yours, and not in your home dependent on you, then end the relationship and achieve the good things in life still before you.
Wizard
June 5, 2006
Question: hi! i`ve been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now but there are a few things in the relationship that bother me a lot, like the fact he keeps going on about my ex-boyfriend who passed away a few months ago. he is very rude and likes to swear in public and last but not least he drinks a lot. on the other hand i fell in love with someone else and this guy likes me too. we shared a really passionate kiss a week ago and i cant stop thinking about him. the only problem is he is 3 years younger than me and is also in a relationship with someone but its not that serous. i also found out that he sometimes beats his girlfriend because she likes its! i don’t know what to do because i want to be with this guy but i still have boyfriend....and that boyfriend i have makes me very unhappy what should i do???
ANSWER: You have two boyfriends. One who talks a lot about your deceased ex-boyfriend (maybe critically), is rude and swears in public, and drinks a lot. The other who is a great kisser, is three years younger than you, and is in a relationship with another girl (though not that serious) who he beats because she likes it. And your first boyfriend makes you unhappy.
If you are unhappy with your first boyfriend, you should not stay with him. It really is that simple.
As for the second boyfriend, being a great kisser does not distinguish him from all the other guys. A lot of guys are great kissers.
The wizard is concerned about the fact that he beats his girlfriend. Beating anybody is inappropriate and in fact criminal, even if the victim likes it. However far it goes (slapping or worse), this fact alone is more than sufficient reason to avoid dating the second boyfriend. You probably know about it because he told you. If he told you, that too is a worrisome fact. Something disturbingly twisted is lurking in the world of boyfriend number two, and you should stay away.
Find boyfriend number 3 and turn him into boyfriend one and only.
Wizard
June 3, 2006
Question: my bf is in military camp and can only phone on the weekends. last weekend he didn't phone or email; but he was supposedly spending the week in some bug infested flooded area. So I thought I would wait until this weekend for him to phone or email, but i still haven't heard a word!
ANSWER: Try some more, and wait some more, giving him the benefit of the doubt. Eventually you will try to forget him, even if a hope lingers in your mind that he will call.
One try should be that you write to him by ordinary mail. Tell him your concern for him and your need to hear from him. Try to be patient in waiting.
If you can't get a good response of any kind (telephone, email, or ordinary mail), you should find a new boyfriend.
Wizard
June 2, 2006
Question: Is it a problem when my guy doesn't come to any of my sports games, and then he won't call me AT ALL, and we barely talk. but then later on he is like we barely talk and all. It's like the only time when we do talk is when he wants me to kiss him. but with me it doesn't work that way, and when he talks to me he will always say nothing or you make me laugh.... help me!!!
ANSWER: This is not compatibility. It is a problem and you can fix it by finding another guy, one who will show interest in your sports and who will talk to you (or more like with you) more.
Wizard
June 2, 2006
Question:: i am not in love with my current boyfriend now. he has changed a lot and i fell in love with someone else. should i dump my boyfriend?
ANSWER: Three good reasons. Yes, indeedy.
Wizard
June 1, 2006
Question: im a teenage girl i've been going out with this guy for nearly a year and it kind of seems like a friendship. When i talk to him sometimes he can get possessive or when i'm near friends who are guys, other times he gets really moody and can be slightly jealous. We're close and all my friends think we're 'cute' together but i'm not sure anymore
ANSWER: It is normal for him to be possessive and to get moody and slightly jealous when you are with or near guys who are friends. It is normal for you to feel it is more like a friendship and to not be sure any more.
Do not stay in this relationship just to be cute together.
A year is a long time. If your relationship is not on fire by now, it is not likely to turn into anything very hot. Move on.
Wizard
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