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June 30, 2007
Question: I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. Currently he still has no ambition to become anything. He still lives at home and he
doesn't believe in marriage. Sometimes his jokes go way out of line. Our sex life has plummeted a bit. But other than that he does take really
good care of me.
ANSWER: If you like him, that is all that matters.
Wizard
June 29, 2007
Question: Dear Wizard, I dropped the bomb last night. I told my fiancé that I don't know if I love him enough to be his wife and that
I have an unshakable feeling that our marriage will end in divorce. I can't pinpoint why I feel this way.
There isn't anything blatantly wrong with our relationship. We've been together for 4 years. We moved in together a year ago and got engaged
last month. I remember the day I realized he was the one – it was the day I realized I was truly happy. That seems so far away now, and I
don’t know if I’m happy anymore.
I’m not miserable, but the love I thought I felt seems to have become complacent. I don’t feel head over heels, I don’t
even feel “in love” and I wonder if someone else couldn’t love him more than I do. When things are good, they are really good
but when they are bad, I get these doubts.
We both tend to be moody, pessimistic people, and we feed off of each other's negative energy. Lately we've been distant from each other. We
don't seem to have much to talk about and we spend more time alone in the same house than we spend with each other. He has been very busy with
work and I'm studying for finals, which definitely has an effect. Also, his twin brother lives with us, and I think that is affecting our
relationship, at least on my end, because I feel very awkward with him there. Having said that, this is not the first time I've had these same
doubts, and I don't think it will be the last.
We seem to have this same problem whenever we go through a rough spell. I know in theory that we are supposed to work through the rough
times and not let them bring our relationship down, but whenever we have one of these rough times I can’t help but wondering if it’s
not a sign that we aren’t going to make it in the end.
On the other hand, when things are good, am I truly in love, or are the doubts just being repressed because I think things will work out? I
know he loves me. He blames himself for all of this, thinking he must have done something wrong, or there must be something about him that I
don't like. I'll admit, there are things about him that bug me, but I don't expect him to be perfect. Goodness knows that I'm not either.
This will sound selfish perhaps, but I’m also scared of being single and having to start all over again. I feel we’ve come too
far to go back, what with the engagement ring purchased (and non-returnable), the house, etc. We have the same friends and it would be extremely
awkward if we broke up. And the most selfish of all, I desperately want to have children and I don’t want to have to put that off even
longer because I find myself without a partner.
I know that these are all bad reasons to marry someone. I don't want to marry him for the wrong reasons only to have it end in divorce
later on. At the same time, I don't want to call it off, only to find out I've made a huge mistake.
I would like nothing better than to find a way to rekindle the love and be confident knowing that we are meant to be together and our
relationship is strong. But I don’t know how to do that. Anything you can give me would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you.
ANSWER: He loves you. You’ve been together four years. He asked you to marry him and you said yes. When things are good, they really
are good. When you realized he was the one, you realized you were truly happy. You want to rekindle the love and be confident knowing you are
meant to be together.
From the facts in your question, you must be younger than 27. If you must end this relationship, you have plenty of time to find someone new
who will want children with you.
Anxiety after an engagement is normal. When you become engaged, you enter a great adventure that will, if all goes well, become a life-long
attachment with all kinds of responsibilities like children (and all that entails), shared families, shared friends, shared experiences, and
(ugh) old age. The anxiety hinges on the real worry that your relationship might not be strong enough to endure all the changes and challenges
that inevitably will occur. Can you get through the thick and thin, health and sickness, the good and the bad times?
If your love is not real, probably not. We all have foibles but they will be too much to bear in a relationship without love. You cannot
overlook the bad times if you are not truly in love.
If your love is real, you will build on the strength of that love. The foibles will be bearable, even good sources for humor. Over time your
love will change in its characteristics but it will grow stronger, and the respect you feel for each other will be nourished as you face each new
challenge that age and experience brings. You will not feel head-over-heels in love forever. That kind of love is young and exciting, but it
turns into a committed love built on a deeper understanding and respect for the person who has given back to you his life and his undying
devotion.
You were, once before at least, in love. Your relationship most likely has matured sufficiently so that a week (or more) of time alone,
completely untainted by world events or outside concerns, will tweak all the right emotions to get yourselves back on track – if you were
in fact in love.
So, back to basics. Test your love to be sure it is real. Schedule your marriage date into the future far enough so you can appropriately
test your love. Do not use the honeymoon to be alone again or that heavenly moment will disappear into a past oblivion.
Arrange at least a week together when you direct all time and energy to each other, alone. The purpose of this time alone is to
re-affirm your love for each other and your commitment to be married to each other. You must be alone, sheltered or hidden or distant from the
rest of the world. During this time, and at this place, be absolutely certain that no twin brother, no school commitments, no work commitments,
no friends, and no family interfere. Your world must become his and his world must become yours.
This time and place should give your relationship meaning and value and should provide you with a whirlwind experience for future memories.
If your love is real, you will determine that you are, in fact, indubitably, in love. After this week (or longer), go back to the old day-to-day
doldrums. If the week away was successful, you should see that your relationship, even in the face of the day-to-day doldrums, is invigorated.
If that does not happen for you, your doubts will be permanent and will haunt your relationship whenever things get rough. If it does happen
for you, pop the Champagne and get married.
Wizard
June 27, 2007
Question: I feel stuck. Tom is moody and most of the time he seems perturbed. He frequently calls me and has a difficult time being apart.
But I know he is going through a tough time right now because he just foreclosed on his house. I want to support him, but I feel he is needy and
demanding at times.
ANSWER: When you are with him alone, away from his troubles, is he attentive and loving? If so, try to ride the rough road he is on for a
while, and enjoy the good times you can have when he gets away from day-to-day troubles. He will come around.
If his entire demeanor is needy and demanding, he needs to get over the financial troubles and realize the good things that can happen in a
loving relationship with someone like you. Perhaps you need to tell him that and keep giving him encouragement.
If he can’t find space and time for you and act properly attentive and charming, even in bad times, he might not be right for you.
Beware that financial woes can so beset a guy that he can turn and blame you for them. If that happens, it is a sure sign for a dump, because the
road he is riding is a ditch into which he will drag you.
Wizard
June 27, 2007
Question: So, I met the guy of my dreams. He was my roommate. We lived together for a year before getting together, then survived a year of
distance, after which I moved to Europe to live with him. Been there for a year, and he's totally changed. It started with small things, but now
it seems as though our relationship is no longer a relationship, but only me accommodating him. When I got here, he still hadn't cleaned out his
ex-girlfriend's stuff from the apartment. He tells me that it's time I leave my family, but we're only 40 minutes from his parents, working at
the University where he studied, and living with his brother who sits in the house for days at a time and only plays on his computer. Even though
I have moved to his continent, he still expects me to be our social and travel planner. He was popular in the States, but has no friends here. No
problem, I made my own, but he all but refuses to have anything to do with them. When I ask him to do something, he often says yes only to bail
or change plans.
I recently was offered a semi-long term position at the University, but when I asked about his plans for the next few years, he told me that
he couldn't answer that question with any kind of surety. Fair enough. However, he then added that if he got a professorship position elsewhere,
he would take it and leave me here under contract. I understand that it would be a very important thing for him, if it happened, but still, I am
feeling pretty damn disregarded.
I have left my country, my family, my language, and my life. I have done my best to compensate, but it feels unrequited. My question is: Do
I dump this guy?
ANSWER: Absent from this is any expression of love from him. Has he said he loves you? Does he do anything romantic? Like an unannounced
night out? A surprise weekend trip to another great city on so accessible a continent? If you are busy, why not a candlelight dinner at home?
If he hasn’t done one of the above, has he suggested it? If not, he seems to accept you in his life as a convenient relationship.
Convenient, not a necessary component of his existence. You make life easier for him and you don’t complicate it with something
like love.
If this is true, he will miss your convenient help but not your need for the kind of attention that matters. You have sacrificed; he has
not.
If you love him, give him a romantic evening and flatter him. If that re-kindles some of the old flame, you might find some fuel. If not, go
find a real romance.
Wizard
June 26, 2007
Question: i don’t know what to do! my b/f really loves me but he doesn’t tend to show it. i’ve only been going out with
him for 2 weeks yet i don’t think he’s the one for me already. i’m really confused. shall i dump him or not?
ANSWER: Following your gut feelings is a good idea, usually. Sometimes your feelings are confusing and determining how you feel is
difficult. This is quite normal.
If your feelings are confusing you, lean on the side of how much fun you are having. If it is fun, don’t dump him; if it isn’t
fun any more, dump him. You should act on your feelings when they are not confusing – but if they are, then decide based on whether you are
having fun. Simple as that!
If you are confused about whether you are having fun, you aren’t having fun.
Wizard
June 26, 2007
Question: I'm a teenage man who was dating my male school teacher for 2 years. He spent a lot of time at my house and in this time grew
close to my single mother. Now that we have broken up they are seeing each other. I am now seeing a boy my own age but my teacher has been
flirting with me recently. Should I break up with my boyfriend to get back together with my male teacher who is seeing my mother? This would hurt
my mum.
ANSWER: A teacher should not have a relationship with a student, whatever the age or the sex. If your mum knows your past relationship with
him, she should get rid of him. Several lines crossed at your home suggest double-trouble.
Wzard
June 25, 2007
Question: 1) He flirts with, and i have a feeling likes, my best buddy. 2) He’s pushy, makes me do things i don’t want. 3) He
never comes to me when i’m down, but expects me to be all over him when he’s mad (which i am because i like him sooo much) .... but
then again he drives almost an hour everyday just to see me. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
ANSWER: Appears to be a strong personality (strong personalities can be difficult, but likable) who likes you. You say in your question that
you “like him sooo much.” That sounds like a good enough measure to keep him. When he gets too pushy and more than likes your best
buddy, you might not like him so much any more, and then you should dump him.
Wizard
June 25, 2007
Question: hi, my name is Tara, and i have been going out with this guy for only a couple of weeks. we hit it off good from the start.
Previously, i have freaked out and dumped the guys i have gone out with because i can’t accept myself being with them (i keep on thinking
what if they can do better). as i know in the back of my mind he loves me and tells me that every day, i just cant see why somebody would like a
person like me. i know i am pretty and everything as i always get guys asking me out. but when i was little i was large and know by losing 5 kgs
i feel good, but i just can’ make myself feel good enough. can you help me get back he guy i just dumped out of low self-esteem? i love him
too much to let him to continue to walk away.
ANSWER: When a guy loves you, he loves you for all the good qualities you have, and that is a lot more than just good looks!
What if they can do better? A guy doesn’t think he can do better if he is dating you and loves you. Find him. Call him. Chase
him if you need to. Get him back by telling him you made a silly mistake.
Every relationship you have with a guy is self-affirming. It affirms your worth and bolsters your self-esteem. If and when you get dumped,
you go on to your next date with the self-assured confidence that you are worth any good guy who wants you.
Wizard
June 24, 2007
Question: i am going out with this really sweet guy but i only like him as a friend and the bad thing is i’m in love with someone else
... and i think he likes me too. i go weak at the knees when i’m around him and when i’m actually with my boyfriend i am thinking
about the other guy. what should i do? how can i dump my boyfriend without hurting him too much?
ANSWER: Compliment him when you do it. Do it quick. You do not want to lose the guy that makes your knees weak.
Tell him how sweet he is and how fond you are of him, but that you want to avoid a romantic relationship with him – not because
something is wrong with him, but because you have other interests. You can tell him, to be clear about it, the truth – that you want to
date someone else. Your boyfriend will feel the pain of getting dumped, but when he regains his rationality (assuming he is capable of
rationality – and most sweet guys have it) he will understand and respect you for the way you did it.
You are nicer to him to tell him straight than to waffle and seem unsure about it.
Wizard
June 23, 2007
Question: i'm not from english-speaking country so my English is pretty bad. sorry for that. anyway, i have boyfriend for almost 2 years
now, and one thing is for sure, he loves me a lot. and i like him too, but not as much as he loves me. i like when we cuddle, and i like the fact
that someone cares for me (that's pretty selfish, i know) but a lot of things bug me. for instance, i hate the fact that he's always telling me
how lucky i am cause i have him. but he's not nearly perfect. he has absolutely no sense of humor, and that's awful, cause i like to joke. we
don't see each other too often (approximately 2 times a week). we live in different cities, so when we're together i'd like him to be
alcohol-free and pot-free. but on several occasions when he came to visit me and we went to a bar, we stayed there for half an hour and he got
drunk – just because he can and because he hadn't gone out for a week. so he wanted to quote "kill two fly’s with one
strike." and the worst thing is my family (brother, mom) loves him.
so, what should i do? should i be happy i have a boyfriend that loves me (and shoves that to my nose) or should i dump him?
ANSWER: If you can do better, you should. That is the short answer.
That you like him may not be enough for a good romance. To be in love is a glorious feeling – exhilarating, tantalizing, mesmerizing,
and intoxicating. You evidently do not feel the delirious tingle of love.
You must not make your decisions based on the likes and dislikes of your family. In the end they will support you with anyone you love.
Find someone closer whom you can see more often, and be sure he has a sense of humor!
Wizard
June 22, 2007
Question: i’m falling for my best friend’s boyfriend and we started hanging out and flirting. then he asked me out because he
likes me more then his girlfriend Jill. she doesn’t know about us and he still has yet to tell her but he doesn’t know what to say to
her when he dumps her because he doesn’t want to tell her he’s dumping her for her best friend or she will get mad at both of us.
i’m not sure if i should just let my best friend have the guy, but he likes me more anyways, or should he just break up with her because me
and him love each other a lot. please write back and help me! thnx
ANSWER: Your boyfriend wrote to the wizard at Dumpagirl at the same time. He should dump Jill because you and he are in love. That is reason
enough, indeed a good reason. Naturally, he doesn’t want to hurt her and doesn’t want her to be mad at you.
The answer given to your new boyfriend at Dumpagirl will, everyone will hope, help your boyfriend get it done and in a way that creates as
little trouble as possible.
It is important, though. He must get it done because Jill will accuse him of being two-faced if he dates both of you. Don’t let him
cheat on her to date you. He must do the right thing.
Wizard
June 20, 2007
Question: He didn’t even try and kiss me or touch me when we were dating for roughly 3-4 weeks. Then he asked me out and instantly
couldn’t keep his hands off me. Within a week he was already asking when we where going to sleep together! And that he can’t wait
“too long”! I have been brushing it off and been saying to myself, give it a few weeks and if he is still persistent with that
I’ll confront him about it.
Funny thing is that he constantly tells me how lucky he is to have met me and can’t believe how different I am to other girls in the
sense that I care for him, bring him a beer, help put on his jacket, etc. It’s been only two weeks that we have been together and he has
brought up the sex details issue twice already.
I know quite a bit about him (family…jobs…pets) and the thing is he yet hasn’t asked me about any of those things. One
thing that annoyed me and was an eye opener was, I brought him to a dinner dance on Saturday with mutual friends. He constantly was around and
about, would go missing for periods of time without anyone knowing where he was, and only sat with me for meal times. I didn’t get the 1st
dance! And when he was with me for those slight moments he was all over me (which made me feel very uncomfortable). Note that he arrived at the
party almost drunk . . . very happy.
Yes, he 90% of the time pays when we go out. Although he never called me by my name (It’s always been such as Honey, Sweetie,
Gorgeous…etc. – which really bugs me too. It’s sweet really and we all love to be called that sometimes but not constantly and
so early in a relationship! I’m a name person!) up until Saturday (dinner dance) when he referred to me by my name when talking about me to
our friends (which I really liked and was surprised to hear – and I told him that).
Note that he was telling everyone that I am the one and that he can see us together forever! [Don’t you think it’s a little
early for that? Or is love at 1st sight true.] I haven’t been 100% about him from the start (due to other reasons). By the looks of it now
he only wants me for sex. Am I seeing correct?
ANSWER: In the first dating relationship you had with him he didn’t try anything. Now in the second dating relationship it is on the
front of his mind. What is different from then to now? It isn’t a change in your looks, your identity, or your personality. The change is
in him – suddenly he wants to have sex with you. You are seeing it correct.
"Love at first sight" can be true in several superficial ways, one of which is a sex drive needing attention. True love at first
sight is likely to be a myth, though the wizard is unwilling to say it never exists. Immediate attraction is real, but one must have time to get
to know someone before the emotions become true love.
You gave him credit when he deserved it and you doubted him when he deserved it.
Wizard
June 19, 2007
Question: I've gone out with this guy for more than a year. I just started working and we haven’t seen each other lately. When we talk
there seems to be little connection. I am losing interest, but he loves me a lot. I met a co-worker who likes me and I like him ... a lot. Am I
ready to move on?
ANSWER: Yup. And there is nothing evil, wrong, or unusual about it.
Wizard
June 19, 2007
Question: i love my boyfriend but i’ll be moving for school across the country for at least two years. should we try to work it out or
break up because of distance? we've been dating for two years and i care about him a lot but i’m only 19! so i’m really young. what
should i do?
ANSWER: Distance is one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome in a relationship. The odds of keeping romance alive, if you are not
married, or if you are not traveling back and forth often, are dismal.
Stay in touch with your boyfriend. If the romance has to go, you can still nurture a friendship that will benefit both of you for many years
to come.
Who knows? When you return, or if he moves out there, you might revive the romance.
Wizard
June 15, 2007
Question: I met this guy for 7 months and he is still not committed. He takes me out once a week or maybe 2 or 3 times and some weeks never.
In the first three months, it was every Friday night because that is the only day we could spend time late at night. After that he always said
Friday night he has to go out with his friends. When I asked, “could I join?” he always said it's guy’s night out and never
introduced me to anyone, even his family. What should I do? I like him so much, and when I ask him he says he likes me so much too, but he just
can't commit right now. When we had arguments, he always brought up the arguments as his reason for not wanting to be committed to me. But he's
my first date. I never dated anyone like this guy before and I love it. Help me. Thank you.
ANSWER: You are apparently the same person who wrote the previous question. In this question, you add that he won’t go out with you on
Friday nights, he doesn’t introduce you to friends and family, and he is your first date. The list of issues is long enough to find a
second date – one better than the first.
You will soon find out that the world is loaded with good guys who will treat you better, and you will love dating them too. Dating
should be fun. The fact that dating the first boyfriend is fun is not enough for you to stay with him if he cannot get himself to commit
to you in the way that makes you comfortable. It is normal for your patience to wear thin after seven months.
Goodness gracious, he dated you for seven months and was caught going home from the gym with another girl. That is enough for 99% of the
dating population to side with you and cheer for you when you find a better guy who will commit.
Wizard
June 15, 2007
Question: I've been together with him for 7 months. We get along really well. Sometimes we had arguments. It would always be my fault and he
never called me or did anything. When we’re mad, he always said that I was mad at him and he was not mad at me. So if I don’t call
him, he's not going to call me back. He said he never chases girls. He's independent and has a problem making a commitment.
Yesterday, I went to his gym to wait for him without telling him. When he comes out he usually comes straight to me and talks, but yesterday
he just got to his car and drove by with the other car following him to his house. The other car that I mean is the girl that came out of the gym
the same time as him. Suddenly, he knew that I'm there, he called me and started to yell at me like, “get away from me, knock it off now,
I'm mad at you right now, I'm pitch that you came to check up on me.” Honestly, I have no one, so I just want to stop by and say Hi. I
don't think it's going to be a big issue now. What should I do?
ANSWER: This is weighted heavily in his favor, don’t you think? It is always your fault when there is an argument. It is always you
that gets mad. He doesn’t call. He never chases girls. Then, when you catch him a girl and it’s your fault!
You’ve been with him for seven months and you are fond of him. The fact that you ask, “what should I do?” shows that you
are beginning to see something in the relationship that is not working. It isn’t working because it isn’t fair to you. If he cannot
make a commitment after seven months, it is fair and reasonable for you to look for a new relationship with another guy.
Wizard
June 15, 2007
Question: he never asks how my exams were, didn’t even send me text, pressurising me for sex, he hit me once, he does not care that i
care about him. Most of the time when I am with him we always fight and he always attends to some people before he actually attends to me, he
calls me fat and he is so insensitive.
ANSWER: You shouldn’t care for him, nor should you be nice about it. Get rid of him. Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish.
Wizard
June 15, 2007
Question: he swears he doesn't look at porn but deletes and hides everything. I can't watch him 24/7 nor do I want to. I don't trust him. do
I leave him? I don't want a bf who isn't fully committed. he makes me feel dumb for being jealous. Hellllllp!
ANSWER: If he deletes and hides everything, who knows? That is his business (if the computer is not yours). However, if you cannot trust
him, you are missing a foundational part of a good relationship. If you cannot revive your trust in him, you do need to move on.
Wizard
June 15, 2007
Question: my boyfriend is always mean to me when he is around his friends. but when are alone he is sooooo sweet. what should i do? love,
need help babe. p.s.: all my friends hate him!
ANSWER: When you are alone together next and he is sooooo sweet, ask him why he is always mean to you when he is with his friends. Maybe ask
it this way: “Are you always mean to me when you are with your friends because they don’t like me?” His answer may surprise you
or it may be just what you expected. Raise the question so you get a reaction from him. That will help you decide what to do.
If the two of you love each other, your friends should not matter. Both of you should make a commitment to ignore your friends and be in
love. But if one of you cannot do that, then the relationship will eventually fail.
Wizard
June 14, 2007
Question: Dear Wizard, I am in my 40's and I am dating a wonderful man. However, when I visit his home that is an hour and a half away, he
does not take me out or into town. We stay at his house. He has a 6 year old son that plays baseball, and he tells me that I can't go for the
boy’s mother will be there. I feel like a caged animal. He says he loves me. I don't know. When we talk on the phone, he always initiates
the end of the call, even though I would like to talk longer. Sometimes he has girl pals over and he does not allow me to call when they are
over. His excuse is that they have been friends for a long time and their kids play together. I am not sure if my race has anything to do with
it, for I am black and he is white. Should I dump him? Thanks for the opportunity to ask my question.
ANSWER: In a relationship where both guy and girl are enjoying each other fully for all of their good qualities, they freely go to
places, entertain each other, and call each other, without compulsion between them and without restrictions.
He may be wonderful to you when he allows you to be together, but something pernicious seems afoot when your calls are restricted, the
places you go to are restricted, and your time with him is restricted, all because other people are near or present. It may be race, but
regardless of the reason, the restrictions imposed on you suggest an unhealthy relationship.
Wizard
June 14, 2007
Question: I have this guy that is addicted to me. He is in love with me, and I don’t really like him all that much. How do I tell him
no, nicely?
ANSWER: It often happens that no matter how nice your are, you will not be perceived by the dumpee to be nice.. So, being aware that you
might not be able, as hard as you try, to appear to be nice, you can follow the following few simple rules: 1) Do not criticize him. 2) Smile and
act nice. 3) Tell him he has great qualities. 4) Tell him you are not ready, or are too busy, or have other commitments, or another boyfriend (if
true), or some other excuse that does not come across as negative to the guy you are saying no to. 5) Be consistent. Don’t give him any
indication you might change your mind. Don’t in any way say yes when you really mean no. 6) Be clear about it. Don’t be ambiguous by
saying maybe sometime later or when I’m no longer busy, or some other vague hint that he might have a chance.
He will eventually grow his “addiction” on someone else if he learns that he surely cannot succeed. A love addiction is like
mold. Once it starts to grow, it is difficult to rid yourself of it. If the conditions do not exist for it to grow, it won’t.
Wizard
June 11, 2007
Question: I thought the guy I'm dating really wanted to pursue the relationship further...maybe even marriage. Now he seems to be making
excuses on not going out. Some of which may be legitimate ... he's sick, he has to work, etc. Should I call it quits with him?
ANSWER: If some are not legitimate, yes, unless you are really invested in the relationship and want to keep it going, in which case you
should have a good talk with him about your hopes for the future. If you want to keep it going, you need to find out exactly what his intentions
are. You should not be guessing.
Wizard
June 11, 2007
Question: First of all thanks a lot for the response. Secondly, I actually canceled plans with him today and then afterwards I saw your
reply. Anyways, as for my side I think I should have explained the situation more. Things are weirdly complicated with my 24 year old boyfriend.
First of all there is an age gap. I’m 19 and although the age never bothered me nor him, I’ve got to say it is causing a little
problem. I am looking for adventure most of the time and he prefers to stay home and lay down. I am quite mature for my age and he knows that we
always have interesting discussions about everything. But now I’m at the point where I can only see the interest of hanging out with him as
a friend, nothing more. My feelings haven’t changed for him. And don’t get me wrong. Although I mentioned it wrong, I didn’t
mean I am unhappy when I hang out with him. Actually, when I’m hanging out with him I just don’t want it to end, and when we are not
hanging out, I think about breaking up with him.
ANSWER: Thank you for your feedback! For reference to those reading this, the initial question was the third received on June 8, appearing
as the first June 8 if you are scrolling down from here.
Wizard
June 11, 2007
Question: My boyfriend has supposedly been seen kissing another girl at a party. But I don’t know who to believe, the majority of
people saying it did happen or he who is denying it. I'm not sure if this situation upsets me or not because I'm am feeling indifferent at the
moment. We have been together about 10 months now and have always had our ups and downs, but we have never had an argument such as this before.
Should I finally call it a day and move on or should we stick it out again and see how long it lasts?
ANSWER: The tone of your question shows indifference even if you didn’t mention it. Normally, it should be difficult to call it a day
after 10 months.
The first issue: Can you trust your boyfriend’s word? If in the past he has been untrustworthy, probably not. If he has always been
honest with you, you should trust him this time, or at least give him the benefit of your doubt.
The second issue: Does it matter to you either way? If you are looking for a reason to end it, you certainly have it. It comes down to how
much you value his company. If you want to keep the relationship, you should. If you don’t, don’t.
If you are truly on the fence and don’t know which way to go, dump him if you don’t believe him and cannot give him the benefit
of your doubt. Try to stick it out again and see how long it lasts if you do believe him, or are willing to give him the benefit of your
doubt.
Wizard
June 10, 2007
Question: As a 38 year-old woman who acknowledges that she looks to her present boyfriend for acceptance and attention to increase her
self-esteem . . ., is there anything to do to OVERCOME this icky, defeating, recurring, infinite, need?
ANSWER: This is one really good question. The answer is no. You cannot overcome it; you can only get it satisfied.
You will and should always feel a need for acceptance and attention that will increase your self-esteem. If your boyfriend gives you that
acceptance and attention, you will have good self-esteem, and it will be recurring and infinite (within the finite limit of your life). But it
will not be icky and defeating. If your boyfriend does not satisfy this need, then the problem exists with him, not you.
You are a wholly valuable individual needing attention, just like every one. Girls often find it from guys, just as guys often find it (the
need and the satisfaction are a little different in form for guys) from girls. At your age, the need is no less nor more than it was when you
were a teenager, except that now you have matured so that your understanding of that need is deeper and more engrained in your psyche. You are
less flippant about it and, if you are disappointed, you tend to blame yourself for having the need. Unfortunately, the need is a part of you
that will never go away.
It does not require a boyfriend to supply the need, but if one is around, he should be a good enough boyfriend to do it. If he can’t,
and the need is not satisfied from other sources, then the need will feel icky and defeating to you. Don’t blame yourself. Find it
elsewhere by finding a new boyfriend; rebuilding or establishing friendships, family ties, and social contacts; or getting involved in some
charitable projects by volunteering. All of the above would be best. Things of that sort will increase acceptance and attention from several
different sources, all of which should add up and support your self-esteem. But, oh yes, a good boyfriend can sure make it a lot easier.
Wizard
June 9, 2007
Question: I'm 13 and I have a boyfriend. I want to go out with him but my mom won't let me because she thinks I'm too young. I'm worried he
will dump me if I don't go out with him. What should I do?
ANSWER: You have the world and a whole life ahead of you. This sounds rather parent-like, doesn’t it?
Any way, if you haven’t started dating, he can’t dump you. He might ask someone else out, that is all. All it means to him is
that you were not available for dates. He will still like you.
When you start dating when you are older, you will be the same wonderful person. If he is around, he will (hopefully) be the same wonderful
guy.
Be patient. Trust your mom’s judgment. Enjoy yourself with all the good things you can do now.
As much fun as dating can be, it is full of troubles and worries, some of them real important. Your mom wants you to wait and not get
tangled up with the troubles and worries. Trust the wizard on this, when your mom decides it is time, you will have enough of the fun and, sorry
to say, all the troubles you want.
Wizard
June 8, 2007
Question: So I’ve been going out with this 24 year old guy and it’s been 3 months now. TIME GOES BY REAAALLY fast. Anyways,
it’s been 3 months yet my feelings for him are the same. Right. Most of the time I feel like we are only going out for the sake of our 3
month relationship. To him everything is normal and our relationship is normal, but to me IT’S NOT. Maybe it’s because we are too
different and we enjoy different things. Please don’t judge me about why I’ve waited for 3 months. Things happened and my biggest
issue is that he is nice most of the time and it's hard for me to break up with him. I don’t know how to bring it up. I’ve been
trying really hard but it’s never been successful. We are arguing most of the time lately and I don’t want him to think I WAS A BITCH
OR WE NEVER HAD FUN. I DON’T KNOW what to do . . . .
ANSWER: The reason you do not feel that the relationship is normal is of no matter. What does matter is that you feel the relationship is
not normal. It need go no further than that for you to make a decision and follow through on it. If you are unhappy in the relationship, you need
to end it.
The way to get it across to him, and at 24 years old he should see it, is for you to turn him down on three consecutive dates. When he asks
you out, you decline in a nice but firm way. For instance, if he calls to go out for a movie, say, “I’m sorry, but I’m busy.
Thanks for asking, but I can’t go.” Don’t let him get away with, “Busy? Busy doing what?” If he says that, say,
“I’m sorry” and hang up. When he calls a second time for another date, like this, “Can you join me? The ballgame will be
fun.” Say, “I’m really sorry, but no, I can’t.” He will soon enough ask, “What is wrong?” He might also
complain. This is normal – he has lost your usual and reliable companionship. His world turns topsy-turvy. But because you have turned him
down twice, this has given him time to think about it without you having to go into a long and difficult discussion. By now he realizes the
possibility that he has lost your commitment to dating, and did not need you to discuss it in any detail. On the third try (if it happens) stay
nice, but tell him that you like him a lot and that he has been a good date for three months, but you’ve decided to date someone else.
He’s a mature guy. He should be able to understand and accept your position. Three months is not very long. The roots of your
relationship are still young and relatively easy to pull up.
Wizard
June 8, 2007
Question: My boyfriend is always texting my best friend! I don’t have a cell phone, and they are best friends too. There's a whole
group of us. Should I break up with him because of my paranoia? PS: HE ASKED HER OUT BEFORE ME and she rejected him! And me and my best friend
look like sisters! Is the only reason he's dating me because I’m the closest thing to his dream girl? We've been dating for about a year,
and I’ve felt like this for a year.
ANSWER: You’ve been feeling this way for a year, and he’s been texting your best friend for a year, and you are still dating
him.
Is your best friend his dream girl? If you ask him that question, and she is his dream girl, surely he will not admit to that. If
she is not his dream girl and he answers truthfully, you won’t be able to know whether it is true or not. So, it makes no sense to
ask him.
Are you familiar with what his text messages say to your friend? Are they suggestive, romantic, teasing, or playful? Does he text any other
girls?
If he doesn’t text other girls, and if there is anything “playful” in his messages to your friend, then you might not be
paranoid, just perceptive. The fact that this has gone on a whole year is the more worrisome. This should have been resolved a year ago, when she
rejected him.
Wizard
June 8, 2007
Question: So Ronald, the guy I've been writing to you about, is driving me crazy! Sort of. He can be very mean to me, like spread a rumor,
and just tell me something kind of mean in public, and stuff like that. Now he’s not as bad, cause whenever he says or does something, I
just don’t care. I ignore it and go on. So maybe he’s losing interest or something. But it’s weird, cause now sometimes we can
kind of even talk like normal people. But those times are very short, and he usually starts up again. All I want is for him to leave me alone and
not talk to me unless he has to, and if he does, for it not to be mean. He's been way too mean to me to deserve my friendship again, and I
DEFINITELY don’t like him anymore. So that all I want. But I don’t know whether he’s stopped or will he continue with all of
this. Should I keep ignoring him or talk to him? Should I do it in a friendly way or diss him?
ANSWER: People who are mean to others by spreading rumors, or by saying something mean in public, and stuff like that, usually do it to get
a rise out of the victim. Weird it is, but they actually derive some form of pleasure from it. Seeing you react, whether by talking back at him,
or by looking unhappy, gives him a reaction to his meanness that pleases him.
Ignore him, like you have been doing. His behavior should lessen over time as he finds other people to taunt. If you diss him, he will find
pleasure in that. Better to ignore, and if you must say something, keep it respectful but to a minimum.
Wizard
June 7, 2007
Question: this guy asked me out and i said yes. but now he just ignores me and doesn’t act like he likes me. when he is with his
friends he treats me like crap. i try to talk to him but i don’t think he cares. i don’t know what to do. should i dump him?
ANSWER: When a guy treats you like crap, why in heaven’s name would you ever want to be romantic with him? The answer is a swift and
uncompromising yes, you should dump him.
Don’t be confused by him treating you nice when you are alone but like crap when he is with his friends. If any guy treats you like
crap at any time, for you he is not worth the hole he plops in.
Wizard
June 5, 2007
Question: Should I dump this guy I've been with for almost 7 months who I have only seen for a few times cause he moved to Florida and
stopped calling?
ANSWER: Yes, you should dump him, because you should be the first person he called when he got there. He knew, obviously, that he would be
far away. If he wanted to stay in touch, he should know just as well that staying in touch would require effort on his part. His lack of effort
demonstrates a lack of caring.
Geographical distance is one of the most difficult impediments to a lasting relationship. If a guy moves away and he has more girls around,
he is likely to find one he likes. He’ll work on the relationship with the girl that is close more than on the relationship with the girl
that is far away. This is natural, an evolutionary rule in the dating world.
Wizard
June 5, 2007
Question: should I dump my boyfriend who acts more his shoe size and not his age?
ANSWER: If his age is more than his shoe size.
Wizard
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