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March 31, 2007
Question: okay, so my ex-boyfriend and i just broke up for the third time two days ago, and this time we were only together for a day, cause
i thought he wanted to break up since he told me he liked someone else too. now we're broken up and he is not nice to me at school, or ever. only
sometimes he actually looks at me a lot or talks to me in a nice way. i really just want to go out with him and have it be like the first time we
went out, so we wont have that horrible history, but that can’t happen. so at least we'll be friends and maybe he'll like me again, which i
think he still does, but he doesn’t want to show it. i don’t know what to do, cause every time he holds my hand or sits next to me
just cause he wants to be funny or for some strange reason he does that, he always gets away with it!
ANSWER: You let him get away with it because you are still attracted to him. Keep your mind open to dating another guy so you’ll be
busy some of the time. Your current boyfriend should notice. That might get him interested again. If it doesn’t, you might find you like
the other guy better anyway. If it does, you’ll have to decide whether you still like him enough. Just have fun. None of this needs to get
too serious.
Wizard
March 30, 2007
Question: Hi wizard. I am 17. i have been with my boyfriend (18) for about a month, but we only see each other about every second weekend.
He always says he is too busy or doesn't have any petrol to see me, yet he always has time to go see his mates. We met about a month before we
started dating and he would call me at least twice a day and tell me the plans he had for us such as going on holidays. He would do anything to
come and see me whenever he could, even blow off his mates. But now that we are actually boyfriend and girlfriend, it’s like he never wants
to see me anymore. He will say he will come over, and then doesn't and doesn't call to tell me or anything. But then i feel bad because he is the
one calling me all the time and i never call him. But i feel like i shouldn't have to make the effort to call a guy that never wants to see me.
He also wants to sleep with me but i’m a virgin and against it. Oh, and one more thing, in a few months he is going to the army. So i guess
that was all negative but . . . i still like him. He is a good guy. I have had plenty of good guys and I let them all go and I’m scared if
I let this one go my luck of finding good guys will be over. Please help. I don't know whether I should dump him or not!
ANSWER: If the facts are straight – you have been with him for about a month but you see each other only about every other second
weekend. Already he’s wanting to sleep with you, and your relationship has developed to a point that he never wants to see you any more. To
top it all off, he’s going into the army in a few months.
But he is a good guy and you don’t want to lose him because your good luck in finding good guys might be over.
He might be a good guy, but frankly he just wants to sleep with you before he joins the army.
The world is full of good guys. Your good luck will continue and you will meet a guy who would do anything just to be with you. Stick to
your guns and date a good guy who wants to see you and doesn’t require you to lose your virginity, and let the current boyfriend play with
his guns in the army.
Wizard
March 30, 2007
Question: my guy is confusing me very much. he is telling me he’s friends with me and then all of a sudden we’re kissing . . . .
ANSWER: Love at first sight or lust at first sight? Or friends first, lovers last? If you feel the same way, no need to be confused. If you
don’t, tell him before he goes further.
Wizard
March 29, 2007
Question: ok, so my ex-boyfriend that i have already dated 2 other times about a month ago asked me out yesterday. i said yes. i have a
problem!!! cause before he did that, at school on the bus he sat next to me, got real close, put is arm around me, and held my hand. although we
weren’t ever together and it was weird, i liked it. he has a way to make me just fall for him, and i did. he asked me out and i said yes.
then the next day he didn’t really talk to me a lot in the morning at school. then we were rehearsing parts in theater. he has a love seen
with another girl and i was pretending to be that girl. we read the part and since we we were sitting he got close to me again. then we talked a
little throughout the day and at English, the second i sat down he was like, "hey do u like anyone else?" i said, "no, not at the
moment" and he said "well, i kinda like someone else." then i figured he wanted to break up with me, so i said, "thats okay,
cause i kinda want to break u”
ANSWER: Good answer!
Wizard
March 29, 2007
Question: I thought my boyfriend and I had the most amazing, sincere, happy and great relationship ever (we've been 3 months together now).
But I was wrong. While he was telling me how great we were together, how much he likes me, I was introduced to his closest friends and family as
his "girlfriend" and all sorts of things that led me to think that he was falling in love just like I was. I found out that he's been
hitting on other women (I don't think he ever cheated on me -basically because I am with him during all his free time- but he tried to meet other
women) in the beginning of our relationship. Then he stopped for a couple of months and got back to hitting on other women again two weeks ago. I
was devastated and brokenhearted. Furthermore, I had a job offer from India and I had to decide whether to stay in NH or to move (he knew that I
might accept it and therefore move to India and I think he was getting ready to have a replacement as soon as I left). So, I accept the offer and
I tell him and he plays mean person would do.
ANSWER: With so many more women in India, do you think he might ask you to take him with you?
Wizard
March 28, 2007
Question: i am so confused. i've been with this guy for about 10 months, and i know deep in my heart that i love him, but lately i’m
beginning to have doubts about our relationship. it's so bad because i slept with him thinking that this relationship was worth pursuing (i.e.,
he said he loves me, keeps saying that he can’t wait for us to buy a house when i finish studying in about 2 years). i mean, i thought i
loved him. he was COMMITTED!! and i love the fact that he's done so much for me. the thing is . . . i've just recently found out some things
about his past and even some things he does now that make me feel uncomfortable (i.e., drugs, street brawling. god, all he talks about is how
much he wants to fight, or how someone annoys him, and that’s enough to set him off. i haven’t seen him angry, but i know what he's
capable of.). ok, so i understand that he is 22 and that it’s a guy thing to smoke pot (is that still an age to fight with randoms? and is
his smoking just a phase?) i've tried telling him to stop smoking pot and he reassures me that he's going to quit, but i have this gut feeling
that he's not going to (his friends are a bunch of wankers). besides, my parents don’t like him because he doesn’t have a stable job.
i think i'm also letting that get to me. maybe it’s selfish, but i have absolutely no idea what to do. he treats me so well, but his other
"activities" outside our relationship make me wonder if i can trust him. i ask him things and he gets pretty secretive. so at this
stage i’m re-evaluating my relationship and am at a loss as to what to do. and if i do break up with him, i have no idea how to do it.
ANSWER: Is he still committed and will he stay committed? If he is and will, then he will stop the pot-smoking and the brawling, and
whatever else he does, to keep you. But before you find out that he is not committed, you don’t want to get so hooked that you can’t
get out.
You are having doubts about him now. This is probably justified, especially if he is secretive about what he is doing. Your instincts are
telling you the same thing as your logic and both are likely to be right.
[A lot of guys at that age will engage in behaviors that they will grow out of. Some are quite harmless and some quite dangerous and
foolish. However, most of them grow out of it and by the time they are 35 they are free of it. Some clean up their behavior much earlier because
of commitments they make in work, school, military, or marriage. Some do not.] What worries the wizard most in your question is that he is
secretive – not a good sign.
Remember first that it is okay to be selfish. Your first reason in dating a guy is not to be nice to him. That is the second reason. The
first reason is to be nice to yourself. If you have doubts and worries, he is not right for you, and ending the relationship is a good, rightly
selfish, decision.
As to how to do it, it depends a lot on your courage and confidence and on the amount of his respect for you. Based on the way you wrote
your question, the wizard believes you have sufficient courage and confidence. That being so, you should do it quickly and clearly without
confusing him or giving him reason to think he can recover the relationship. Further, do not tell him what was wrong with him. There is no need
and it could induce him to be argumentative or worse.
If his respect for you is at a high level and if he is capable of mature behavior, he will accept your decision, will not argue with you,
and will not harass you later.
Wizard
March 27, 2007
Question: Me again. So far I have written to you December 4, 2006, February 3, 2007, and the most recent was March 10, 2007. Today I went to
a psychologist. She is sending me to a psychiatrist to put me on some meds for my anxiety. She told me the meds could make it easier for me to
execute certain decisions in my life. To just think about me for once.
You gave me great advise (about seeking professional help).
I just can't figure out a way to tell him I want out. It is going to hurt him so bad. He's going to be so furious it terrifies me. I've read
all the info I can about how to break up and nothing is right for me. I don’t know. I am so sick of crying. I feel like total crap to put
it mildly.
ANSWER: Hello, Me Again. Cheers to you for starting to think for yourself!
You will feel better and you will start to put it all together. You know what you want. You just need to go get it!
Wizard
March 27, 2007
Question: The guy is nice. We went out once. He lives 200 miles away and wants me to go over to his city at the weekend. But the major thing
is I don't fancy him, and I don't want to make the effort in going over there. But I'm avoiding the difficulty in telling him.
ANSWER: If you don’t fancy him, don’t go. The difficulty of not telling him will soon overcome the difficulty of telling him, so
it is better that you tell him. Just call him and say, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think our one date grew to such a relationship
that I should go see you there for a weekend. I appreciate our time together but I really don’t think I should go. Thanks,
anyway.”
That should do it.
Wizard
March 24, 2007
Question: I have asked you lot of questions lately. they mainly are about a guy at work. this one is no different. we have been talking a
lot and spend a lot of time together at work and outside of work, but he says that he does not want to be in a relationship right now. if we are
spending all of this time together and going out on "dates," isn't that the same thing? please explain this to me. i don't understand
his reasoning behind this.
ANSWER: He likes you, but not enough for a dating relationship. When he says he does not want to be in a relationship right now, that means
he does not want the relationship to go any deeper than it already is, and probably wants to reduce the time you spend together. He’s
having second thoughts. Yes, you may have been “dating,” but now he wants to back up from it.
He probably perceives that you want a deeper relationship than he wants. Many reasons can exist behind his decision – and it is better
not to speculate about what the reasons are. In his mind, that is all there is to it. If you make more of it, he’ll get more sure of it and
will become more direct in stopping it.
In your dating experience, you will see this happen again. It’s a common thing. A day will come when you may have to make a similar
decision and tell a guy that you don’t want a relationship right now. He will wonder too, and you will want him to stop asking why.
Wizard
March 24, 2007
Question: ok, i need more help. my ex-boyfriend and i broke up two weeks ago but now we're kind of friends. he was nice to me for 3 days and
then we kind of didn’t talk to each other for some reason. i think i was busy with other ppl. now i think i might like him a little again,
i mean, sometimes i don’t like him, but sometimes he's just so hot and it seems he likes me sometimes. he gave me a late Valentine’s
day present. it was a heart bracelet. and i know that since i’m only in sixth grade, it can’t mean anything if he's just nice to me,
but i cant stop liking him! the problem is he can’t stop liking this other girl but she doesn’t like him, and he knows, but keeps
asking me what to do to get her, and keeps trying to be around her. its driving me crazy cause he can’t stop, yet i know nothing is going
to happen between them. does that mean nothing is going to happen between us? help!
ANSWER: Did he take the heart bracelet out of a bag of bracelets? If he had only one, you are special to him. You can’t (and probably
shouldn’t) solve his problem with the other girl. But don’t give up. Stay friendly and every now and then ask him to do something
with you. It could be a homework assignment, going to a basketball game, or just talking about almost anything without going anywhere.
Don’t let it drive you crazy; he can stop. Don’t give up unless or until . . . you decide to date someone else – which can
happen.
Wizard
March 22, 2007
Question: Okay, so i’m dating this guy for about a month now and this is the situation. i have never met him but we talk on the phone,
msn and texting all the time. I also kind of like his cousin now. what should i do?
ANSWER: You cannot be dating if you’ve never met. Texting is not dating. You can text his cousin too.
Wizard
March 22, 2007
Question: Ok, well he's my first boyfriend EVER. So at first I didn't really care who it was, I was just glad to be with somebody-anybody.
But now nobody else has a boyfriend in my class and I feel almost guilty for having one, but at the same time I don't want to regret dumping him
because I feel like I won't find anybody again. Please help me figure this out. I cry because of it.
ANSWER: First above all else, don’t cry over it. Believe you me, this is not worth crying over.
Now – let us get a good look at what this really is. Boyfriends (meaning dates – people with whom you want to date) are
plentiful if you are not too picky. Forget for a moment that they are human beings and have feelings. Once you are over that, dates are like
flowers. Some are better looking than others. Some live longer; some last longer; some stand up straighter; some are rare and beautiful; some are
rare and ugly; some are wonderful only because they are so rare; some are wonderful only because they are so brilliant; and on and on. Might we
add, some are dangerous and some are completely harmless.
Any way, you can date almost anyone if you are not too picky. The fact that you have a boyfriend means only that you are dating and nothing
more. It is not the greatest distinction nor is it the silliest. What matters next is that all dates are temporary. Some last longer than others,
but all are temporary until you meet the one who you will plant roots-and-all at home and tend it for life. That date will no longer be a date
when you get married.
That said, remember that everyone’s date is temporary, not just yours.
Add to this simple way of seeing it that the flower is really human and has feelings. Now it gets real complicated and confusing. Welcome to
the dating world.
Now go on dating and have fun.
Wizard
March 21, 2007
Question: My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot but we are in a long distance relationship. I love him so much and think he is the one
but it seems like since we are apart so much and we live such different lives that it's not going to work.
ANSWER: Probably not.
Wizard
March 19, 2007
Question: Should I dump a guy if I’m not happy with my life in general, and I’m getting bored?
ANSWER: If he is contributing to your unhappiness or boredom, yes.
Wizard
March 12, 2007
Question: Ok, so I wrote to u before about a guy. now i have a problem with another guy. he's in my class, and he would always be nice to
me and it always seemed like he liked me, because whenever we were in a group together we would always make jokes with each other and have a good
time. but then i asked him out and he was like, " umm, let me think, ummm, i dunno, sorry, but no." and i was a little confused, and
now he's not talking to me a lot any more. but i really want to be at least friends with this guy. so what do i do???
ANSWER: Just be friendly. That is all you can do. If you are brave, when you are near him again say softly and with a smile,
“Don’t worry. I won’t ask you out again.” That might remove the cloud of whatever is bothering him. He might get
friendlier again and maybe, in the future, he’ll ask you out when he realizes you aren’t so bad after all.
Wizard
March 11, 2007
Question: There's this guy who's kind of cute and he asked me out. But since I've found out that he doesn't care about education, and he
asked me to go to his house sometime (when his parents aren’t there) which makes me wonder what his motives are. Also there is a
possibility of another guy who might ask me out to whom i have no doubts that i would say yes. HELP
ANSWER: Your instincts are right. Kind of cute doesn’t make it here. Say yes to the other guy. It doesn’t look like you need
help. You’ve said it all (and thought about it) just fine.
Wizard
March 10, 2007
Question: Okay, once again I need your help. I am sure that you are probably getting tired of hearing from me but I have just one more
question. How do I let this 22 year old guy know that I am interested, and how do I help him to build up his courage so he will ask
(without him knowing that I am helping).
He has come close a couple of times, I think???? We were sitting in the car once again talking about secrets and I asked if he kept
anything from me. He said only things that could hurt him or me. When I asked what kinds of things could hurt me he said that he
couldn't think of any but he could for him. Again when I asked “Like what?” he started talking about his self-esteem and
confidence level. The way this was brought up and discussed made me think that he wanted to say something but was too afraid. What does it
sound like to you?? If it is what I think should I just be patient and wait for him to come around or help him out?
ANSWER: Be patient and wait for him to come around. If you prod him to be more amorous with you, you risk him rejecting you instead. He will
find it easier to accuse you (in his mind) of being too promiscuous (or some other wrong idea) than to acknowledge and accept your help. Simply
put, you’ll bruise his ego.
He’s 22. He should get around to figuring it out on his own. If he does, he’ll be better off for it and your relationship will
be off to a good start because his comfort level with you will not be compromised.
Wizard
March 10, 2007
Question: I wrote you twice, December 4 and February 3. I look at the list of steps provided and I draw a blank. I have been with this guy
for 5+ years and can't look him in the eyes and tell him I don't want to be with him anymore. I just can't figure out a way to get out of this
relationship. I can't imagine telling him I don't love him anymore. I am paralyzed. It’s like I am totally stuck. I don't know what to do.
Most of the time I just lay around and cry. I know it’s nuts but it’s like I have no strength. I am in a constant state of panic.
Anxiety is eating me alive. I wish someone would rescue me. Got any more suggestions?
ANSWER: You’re still with him? My goodness.
You say that you draw a blank with the wizard’s instructions. Let us try to learn from your question what your problem is. The first
thing the wizard suggested was that you determine in a sure and confident way whether you want the relationship to end. Your question suggests
you are that far.
The second thing you needed to do was to ask yourself whether you are being honest with yourself. The purpose of this inquiry of yourself is
to make sure that you are not deceiving yourself. Sometimes people will fool themselves into thinking they want to end a relationship, but the
reality is quite different. The source of your anxiety and frustration can be something quite different from the relationship itself. If this is
what is happening, the wizard cannot help further, and you will need a counselor to help you figure out the source of your problem.
If you successfully answered those questions, and know confidently that you want to end the relationship, then you need to decide to end it.
Some people find it difficult to make a decision. Assuming you succeeded in the first two questions (necessary for a good decision), the wizard
determines you succeeded in making a good decision that you can act upon in good conscience and with confidence.
Steps three and four, choosing a time and place (3), and committing to your decision (4), are preliminary to Step five, which is to follow
through (5). That means, do it.
Caesar is known to have said, “Execute. Execute. Execute.” Like the sneaker ads, “Just Do It.”
Some people, even when they have done everything preliminary, can’t get the where-with-all to make something happen. The cause is not
normally a lack of energy or strength. It usually comes from a fear of what will happen, of change, of loneliness, of insecurity, or one or more
of several other consequences that one perceives (sometimes a subtle, almost subconscious perception). It could even be the unknown. The fear
overwhelms and ultimately subverts the desire and the will to act.
That results in a feeling of being stuck. You don’t like that you haven’t done what you set out to do, and you don’t like
the uneasy feeling (fear) that prevents you from doing it. Hence, you feel a huge amount of anxiety and frustration with yourself.
We do not know if you live with this guy, but it is likely that you do. The reason is that the fear is more likely to be generated from a
deeper entanglement and that could come from a shared living situation. If this is so, a time away would help. If you live for a while with a
friend or family member away from the apartment or home you share with this guy, you will develop a comfort level while away that might help you
get over the fear that blocks you from taking action.
This is only a suggestion, and the information in this answer may or may not apply to you. If it is not helpful, consider talking to someone
who counsels people about personal relationships. This person would be your “coach” by teaching you ways to remove yourself from this
guy and at the same time build your confidence. This “coach” would know you personally and would develop a “hands-on”
knowledge of your problem. He or she would help you and encourage you to move in the right direction and change your life.
Wizard
March 10, 2007
Question: ok,well i ve been with the father of my child for 3 years. we argue all the time. but dont get me wrong, we do get along
sometimes i’ve found girl’s numbers before. not good. they say that they are talking and he says he’s single, etc. i’m
not happy, but i don’t know how to end it. plus i pay the rent and all the bills, everything for our child. he’s not working so
i’m always broke. i do work he’s been physical and emotionally abusive. he has a thing that men run everything and i have no say in
anything. basically, he’s really controlling i love him so much, but i’m so unhappy. but when things are good, i’m really,
really happy with him. i’m so confused, i don’t know what i should do. i think he’s cheating on me. i wouldn’t doubt
it. i’m stuck in a really bad relationship. plus he doesn’t have really any family so if i kicked him out i don’t know where
he’d go. PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE. thank you.
ANSWER: If things were so good, you would not be saying you’re in a bad relationship, that he’s physically and emotionally
abusive, and that you are unhappy. He obviously needs your support but he treats you with the attitude that men run everything and you have no
say in anything.
To the contrary, you support the entire family. You raise your child, you keep the father housed and fed, and pay the bills. You run
everything. And, as mother and an equal, you should have a say in everything. At the same time you somehow manage to allow him to abuse you.
You are ready for a well-justified change. You can’t shut him out completely because he is the father and should see his child. But
that should occur in regular, pre-arranged visits only with your approval at times and places convenient to you. If he has been physically
abusive to the child, or abuses you again, you can terminate the visits with the help of a court.
Find a legal aid organization in your community. Someone there should be able to refer you to get help, and might be able to help you in the
badly needed separation – end – termination – resolution to your problems.
Wizard
March 6, 2007
Question: OK, i've been with the father of my child for 4 years. i am so not happy with him at all! we argue all the
time, and i'm not gonna blame him for all the arguments but he did cheat on me 2 times on our first year of dating. now, i don’t know why,
but i have all of a sudden just completely lost attraction to him. i can't even sleep with him anymore. its been like 2 weeks and i keep on
making up excuses, and i think he might be cheating on me again, but then again i think it’s just me jumping to conclusions. i don’t
want to be with him. But am i wrong for not wanting him and how do i break it off to him? Please help me!
ANSWER: You are not wrong for not wanting him. No moral principle requires you to stay attracted to the guy. You can break up
with him, and don’t be upset when he “cheats” on you if your romantic relationship is ended. You must, however, honor and
respect the relationship of father and child.
The fact that he is the father of your child makes a big difference in both how you break up and how completely you break up. You have lost
interest in him totally, but your child will naturally be interested in him as his or her father.
You break up with him just as you would with any other live-in boyfriend with one major difference: You must not only allow him
access to your child, you must encourage his direct and regular involvement with your child’s life. That necessarily means that
you and he will be “entangled” in substantial ways for many years, even if all the attraction is gone.
Wizard
March 5, 2007
Question: So im going out with this guy for a week and a half, and then we break up over an unknown reason. "Things got weird" is
what he said. Then he goes for another girl but she turns him down, and so two weeks later he asks me out again, along with a bunch of this other
crap about how much he missed me and regretted breaking up, and i believed him and said yes. And then what do ya know, two days later and
he’s ignoring me all day and talking to his EX-GIRLFRIEND (and also friend) instead of me this one day. Well, later that day he asks me(now
i don’t know if this was a joke or not) if i would be mad if he asked his ex-girlfriend out to the dance on Friday, since i’m not
going. Well, i said i wouldn’t be mad, i would just break up with him. Then we didn’t see each other anytime that day, and i asked my
best friend to ask him if he wanted to break up, and he said maybe. I HATE HIM!!! And yet i have to go to school with him and see him almost
everyday, so i cant express my anger. Now i don’t know what to do because i think i still like him, but at the same time i hate him for
being such a jerk! i just wish that somehow i'll get over him or he'll come to his senses and want me back. But don’t think that’s
going to happen.
ANSWER: Tune in for the next episode . . . tomorrow!
Wizard
March 5, 2007
Question: I have been dating a guy for one year and nine months. I am 21 years old and he is 22. We both go to the same
University. He treats me very well and means a lot to me. The problem is that I met a guy who I have seen around on campus for a while and
I think he is very attractive. This guy asked me on a date and I would love to go, but I don't know what to do!
ANSWER: Think about your relationship with the first guy, the one you’ve been dating for a year and nine months. How deep is your
commitment to him?
As a dating couple, have you committed to each other to remain faithful? Will a date with another guy cause the first guy to want to end the
affair and put you out? Conversely, how would you feel if the other guy dated another girl?
If the answer is no problem, date the second guy. If the answer is yes he would put me out, determine how important you think your dating
relationship with him is. If you don’t know, you will need to do the same thinking because he probably will put you out any way.
If you are unsure about it all still, do some testing with your current boyfriend. Get into a serious talk with him about your relationship.
Learn more about how committed he feels to you and how committed you are to him, and whether your relationship is worth continuing long into the
future.
If you don’t love guy number one, or if doubts arise from either one of you about commitments or about the future of your
relationship, date guy number two.
Just a final comment. At age 21 you should not get hung up on one guy unless you are in love. If you are so much in love that you do not
care to get out and meet other guys, that’s great! Enjoy your love affair. If you are not in love and 21, get out there and enjoy living
free, living healthy, living energetic, meeting guys, learning about love, dating, and all the good things that come with it. Experiment, venture
out and forth, play and work with drive and purpose, and remember the ultimate purpose of almost anything at any age is to enjoy life.
Wizard
March 3, 2007
Question: Wizard:
Ugh. I began to see this guy back in November, and on our first time out, I said very explicitly I didn't want a relationship at
ALL. (I'm leaving the country soon, and just got out of a long-term relationship to boot, and he knows both of those things.) We had
a very hot and heavy time together for a few months, but no mention of exclusivity, commitment, love, or being boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. despite
a great deal of affection and a lot of expressions of adoration on his side ("I enjoy every minute I'm with you," etc.) and some on
mine.
I was really fond of him, but it started to fade - I'm exceptionally busy, and don't see myself falling in love with him, and will be leaving
soon. So I tried to break it off with him last night, and he began to accuse me of being abusive: of breaking his heart out of nowhere, of
breaking his trust, of ignoring all the "implicit" things he was saying about our relationship ("It was implicit that we were
boyfriend and girlfriend!"), and worst of all, about how much I'd ruined his life because of the sacrifices he'd made to be with me. (I had
no idea about any of this, but apparently he got into a major rift with his family and some friends over dumping the previous girl he was with in
order to be with me. This is all news to me!!!) Then, for the first time, he said he loves me, and he doesn't want to lose me, and he
thought he'd found the "One," after so much searching.
I feel horrible given some of the things he's said, and I also wonder if I didn't send mixed signals about how much I was invested in the
relationship. I maintain that it was NEVER explicit what we were, and therefore I didn't expect it to be such a huge deal. But the end
result is that I don't know what to say, I don't know whether to apologize, I don't know if I've done wrong in dumping him so abruptly!
ANSWER: Your signals were mixed, at least in his mind. Your question illustrates the danger of getting hooked by someone who wants a
relationship that you don’t.
Many people are lonely. They date anyone they can until they hook on to someone they really like. The hook sinks in deep, so deep that when
you want to break up, it’s like tearing a barbed fish-hook out of your stomach. The lonely one will tell you it’s like you are
tearing a barbed fish-hook out of his heart. You both feel horrible for similar but very different reasons.
You have done him no wrong. It is better it is over. As painful as it has been, if you pulled the hook out slowly, he would be even
worse.
Don’t fall for the guilt trip. He is the one who put the hook into you. The hook into his heart is his imagination, not real.
Wizard
March 2, 2007
Question: I keep telling my boyfriend that I don't like him and that he's not for me and that it won't last. I tried to leave him for
another guy and he cried and wouldn't leave it alone. I'm still with him but I'm not even attracted to him. He's nice to me and
that's it. That's why I'm with him. I feel slightly safe and that's it. I feel less than myself all the time though. What
should I do wizard?
ANSWER: You should follow through with your commitment to dump him. You must not date him because he is nice to you. Dump him and be clear
and final about it.
Some advice, however: Do not tell him you don’t like him. Do not tell him he’s not for you and it won’t last. Do not tell
him that you are not attracted to him. These are too negative and unnecessary.
Instead, say something like this: “We aren’t compatible enough. We have to date other people. You would do better with someone
different from me and you should find her and date with her. You’ve been nice to me and I really appreciate it, but I have to go on without
you. I really know this is the right thing to do, and it will benefit you as much as it will benefit me. I wish you good things in your future,
but it must be without dating me.”
You don’t have to say these words exactly, but avoid criticisms or bad comments about him. Talk about the dump in a way that makes it
clear that it is the best thing for both of you. Don’t bend on it. Don’t be affected if he cries. He needs to go through this in a
mature way and learn that this is normal, not an attack on him.
Wizard
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