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October 29,2006
Question: I’m a single mom with 3 children I have been dating a man that is raising his teenage daughter. We have been together for about 1 1/2 years. We have had some really great times. When we met we were both casual drinkers. The last few months he has started to drink during the day or right after work so by the time I see him he is degrading and embarrassing. He always is sorry the next day. He says he is under stress with his daughter and with work. We usually talk about the issues and move forward. Now things are getting out of hand around the kids and when we do go out I usually end up walking home. I want to be supportive and understanding but I don’t know what to do. I know if I said he needs to curb the drinking he would consider me controlling and a nag. We both have issues but I try to resolve his with me but I don’t think he is listening to what concerns me about him. I really want this to work and I’ve been through enough relationships to know that good things don’t come easy but this is so hard.
ANSWER: These are classic symptoms of an alcoholic in the family. If you try to help he will consider you a controlling nag and resent you for it. He will embarrass you and apologize when he is sober the next day. He’ll be a different person drunk than he is sober, as if he had two personalities. You won’t be able to convince either one (the sober guy and the drunk guy) of his need for help.
Usually the alcoholic will not perceive his problem until after something drastic happens, like a drunk driving charge or a divorce.
This is serious business. If you want to help him, you will need to contact an alcoholics education or counseling group who will help you (as loving victim) to help him get help from them. He must be convinced to participate.
You cannot do it alone and it is a long, long road to recovery (which never really happens, they say) or more accurately a voluntary, permanent abstinence (which can happen if he stays committed to beating it and has the unfailing support of loved ones).
Good luck.
Wizard
October 26, 2006
Question: Should I dump my boyfriend? He is so convinced we will be together forever and it scares me because it is my first boyfriend and I am only 18 years old. Help!
ANSWER: He’s enamored with you and wants it to be forever.
Remember: No relationship needs to be any deeper or last any longer than you want it to. You can always back out or slow it down. You are in control of that, not him. If you will feel more comfortable to slow it down, tell him so, and talk to him less often. He’ll find someone else or he’ll adjust to your speed.
Wizard
October 25, 2006
Question: Dear Wizard, me and my boyfriend just recently went on a break. it was my idea because lately ive been under so much stress with school and everything and he doesn’t seem 2 get it. but he’s really sweet and fun 2 be around but his fun and jokes never stop. Now since our break my cousin introduced me to his friend and we clicked. i love talking to him because we’re so alike in so many ways, but he goes to a different school. i believe that we'd have a good relationship, but is it wrong to dump the guy that im on a break with? i mean, he’s in 3 of my classes and i see him all day long. but another thing is how long should i wait before i moved on to this other guy? I don’t know. what should I do? advise please.
ANSWER: It is not wrong to dump the guy that you’re on a break with. It might be a good time to do it. You should see if you can hook up with the guy who goes to a different school. If you clicked, that is a good sign that you should follow.
It might be harder to date him because you’ll be limited to weekends and holidays. If he is nearby, maybe you’ll have some weekday late afternoons or early evenings. But if you and he really like each other, the difference in schools should not stop the relationship from beginning.
How long should you wait? You don’t need to wait.
Wizard
October 24, 2006
Question: I am a divorced mother of 3 children and have been dating this guy for 2 1/2 years. When we first got together we talked about kids and marriage. Well now he says he doesn’t want to get married "because I am too moody." I love him and want to marry him but refuse to stay in a relationship that is going nowhere. What should I do?
ANSWER: Can he get it in his head to say he loves you? If he can say he loves you but can’t say yes to marriage, still some hope can exist for a lasting relationship. The question then will be: How genuine is his love? But if he cannot say he loves you, and mean it, the hope is diminished greatly and the relationship may be going nowhere.
Wizard
October 23, 2006
Question: i see my guy only on the weekends, usually at night and drunk. he likes me to stay the whole night, but he doesn’t make the initiative to do anything. he asked for my number but has yet to call me. i know he is shy with girls cause he’s 22 and has never been in a relationship. but is this just wishful thinking that he really likes me?
ANSWER: When you have to wonder if he really likes you, he probably doesn’t like you enough; or if that is the best he can do, you might not want him to like you at all.
The longer this has been going on in the way you present it, the worse it is. If it has been a week or two, improve it soon or get out of it.
Wizard
October 23, 2006
Question: If a guy u just met calls u about 15 times a day and texts u when u can't text back, should u dump him even if he will cry?
ANSWER: Imagine what it will be like to dump him after you start a relationship. That should be warning enough to avoid him so that you don’t start a relationship.
Wizard
October 22, 2006
Question: Hi wizard. I am confused. I’ve been dating this guy for exactly a month and in the beginning i really liked him and i was happy i was with him. But just recently another guy came along and we've been talking and he’s one of those guys that are meant for relationships. On the other hand my boyfriend is the guy that makes jokes and plays sports . . . and just likes 2 have fun, but i never really get a serious conversation out of him without him telling a joke or saying something funny. He’s a really nice guy. I like having him as a friend and all. But now i feel like I’m pushing him away to get 2 be closer to this other guy. I don’t know. This has happened before and it always seems to happen at the "1month" mark in the relationship. I want a long relationship but i don’t know how to get it now. And i don’t want this to happen again so some advice please. 
ANSWER: You get the long relationship by continuing what you are doing. Keep dating and stop worrying about how soon you find someone else who interests you.
When you find a guy who keeps you interested, surely you will go by the first month. When you do, don’t think it’s permanent. It might end too.
Be natural. Don’t try to control it. Just enjoy every date and let yourself move on to another guy if one comes along. Be assured, when the chemistry is right, it will go beyond a month.
Wizard
October 19, 2006
Question: My boyfriend that I've been with for almost two months told me in my face that he'd pick this girl over me. But here is the catch. I'm the only girlfriend he has ever had. Everyone thinks he is ugly, but I don't. I think it's wrong that he said that. I am mad. Am I wrong or is he wrong? Do I HAVE a right to be mad or should I let it go!!!
ANSWER: You are right to be mad. Your boyfriend is inexperienced, unthinking, and inconsiderate. You might know him enough to want to stay with him, because you know he really didn’t mean it – or you might want to dump him for that. But if it is just his lack of thinking, he might be able to learn how dumb it is to say something like that to a girlfriend. He could learn by your response, which is to tell him how dumb it was to say it.
He was wrong to say it and you are right to be mad.
Wizard
October 19, 2006
Question: I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. But when I’m with him we do nothing at all, just sit at my house or his and watch tv, go on the computer or get "close" (which seems to be his favorite . . . it’s not a good thing). Anyways, it’s become pretty boring hanging around with him and to make things worse, when i go out with friends, he gets cranky. I have brought him along in the past but he continues to bore me when I want to have fun. So one night when I was out with the girls at a party, I ended up messing around a little with an old friend who I liked in the past. Now he likes me and when we do hang out its great. He’s even really serious when it comes to going any further than we already have. He wants to take it slow which is absolutely fine with me. I have so much fun with him. But now I have to decide which one to date. Any advice?
ANSWER: Do not allow the length of time you have been with boyfriend one determine whether you stay with him or not. Yes, it is a lot of time invested, but if you’re bored, he’s not the guy for you any more. Date the second one, the one who excites you, who gives you a happy reason to go out, who gives you a great time.
That’s an easy choice.
Wizard
October 17, 2006
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for seven years and I feel that he is too unstable at times to be a husband. I really loved him, but I have some friends and family telling me he is not good for me, which makes me feel really bad. He has done some real insulting things over the past couple of years that I just want to end now, and he is making me feel guilty and telling me he loves me. I broke up with him, but now I don't date anyone because I feel I should be on my own for a while before dating again. I really did love him, but I feel he has behavioral problems. We had some really great times and some really horrible ones, and I really don't know what to tell him any more because he keeps on telling me not to "throw the relationship away" and being very persistent. And I feel incredibly guilty breaking it off after so many years, but I can't be with someone that will constantly hurt my feelings and the thought of marriage with him gets me scared. What is the best possible way I can tell him again?
ANSWER: If you feel guilty, you don’t deserve to. No one should stay committed to someone who hurts her feelings. If the thought of marriage with him scared you (and still does, apparently) you must end the relationship in such a way that marriage will be totally out of the realm of anybody’s thinking, especially his.
The relationship probably should not have lasted seven years – and you need to rid yourself of the miserable feelings you have. It is like the relationship still isn’t over.
To make a clean break, it will help you to get over the guilt. You have not thrown away seven years – he has. You are not the cause of the break-up – he is.
Over the horizon in your future is a new and better future in a relationship with a new guy who gives you respect and kindness, in addition of course to love, and who (just by being himself and being with you) will give you the confidence and peace of mind of knowing that you did the right thing.
You know the future if you stay with this other guy. That is why you dumped him.
Once you overcome the guilt (an irrational emotion in these circumstances – and don’t worry, lots of good people suffer from guilt in irrational ways), you will be able to assertively instruct the dumpee to go find his own road in places you will never go to.
Wizard
October 15, 2006
Question: my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and I just don't feel like I am in love with him anymore. Most days I don't fell very happy to be around him. I think I am falling for an old friend of mine. He makes me feel really good when I am around him, but I don't know if I should let go of what I have or How to let go of what I have. In the past anytime I've left him, he finds a way to get me back, but if I leave this time i want it to be for good.
ANSWER: You don’t love him any more. You don’t feel happy around him. Let go.
Commit yourself to your decision. Don’t let him come back. Start a new relationship with the one who makes you feel good.
Wizard
October 11, 2006
Question: ok well i'm dating this really sweet guy. he treats me great and everything but i'm not really into him anymore. i've told some of my friends and some say dump him and some say don't. i don't think i can handle not being honest bout how i feel bout him. i don't like actin like i still like him when i don't. i like him as a friend and would like to still be friends when i break his heart, but i'm not sure that would happen. he likes me way too much just to be friends, so how do i tell him that i don't like him that way anymore and don't wanna go out with him??? plz help me with advice on this!!??!?
ANSWER: You’re right that you can’t be sure what he will say. But you do have to tell him.
The only advice the wizard can give, not knowing your boyfriend, is to be honest. He probably likes you because you are so honest. If he likes you as a person, and if you are honest with him, he should want to stay friends too, if he is not hurt too much.
For your own sanity and happiness, though, you do need to tell him.
Wizard
October 11, 2006
Question: I have been with my bf for 5 years now. We have 1 kid together and I think that is why we are still together. He pays all the bills and takes care of us. But he is never here for us physically and emotionally. Now he seems to have a problem with my weight. I have always been a big girl. When I met him I was 200 lbs. Now after another kid and 5 years I have gained about 15 lbs. I understand I gained a little weight but 15 lbs really isn't that much for him to be constantly commenting on it.( I still fit into the jeans that I wore when I met him) Before me he never dated a bigger girl-but if he didn't like my size why did he start to date me in the first place? In 5 years he has gained 55 lbs but he is fine because he was really skinny when I started to date him. I just want someone to love me unconditionally. I have been miserable for the last year. But I wanted to work things through for our kids. He has 3 (including the one we have together) And I have one more that lives with us.
ANSWER: He should be there for you, simple as that.
The difference between 200 and 215 is not significant enough for him to change his perspective. He is using your weight as an excuse.
Wizard
October 4, 2006
Question: see so i call him one day and then i was like, hey call me back in a second. and he was like, NO. AND I WAS LIKE, WHY? AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID? HE SAID, cause im playing a game. is that typical or should he go bye bye?
ANSWER: Typical, if he is just playing a game. If you don’t like that game, he goes bye bye.
Wizard
October 2, 2006
Question: I have been seeing a guy for about a year and a half now. Although i never intended to enter a relationship, i (unfortunately) fell in love.
He treats me amazingly badly, only ever wants me when he's bored, etc. While my life is in turmoil all because of him, his is taking off.
I wouldnt mind so much if he made me happy, but i tend to spend all of my time feeling bad about/around him.
I’ve had enough. What should i do?
ANSWER: You are worth too much to be subject to this unhappy turmoil. The only turmoil you should suffer in any relationship is the turmoil of ecstasy after falling deliriously in love.
You cannot stay in love with a guy who makes you unhappy. Get out of it now. Pronto. Drop him like a hot potato – no, throw him far away quickly like a lighted stick of dynamite.
Wizard
October 2, 2006
Question: My boyfriend hangs around one of my friends and she stuck her hand up his shirt and down his pants and i'm not quite sure what to do. They flirt too much. I’ve tried talking about it to him and my friend but it keeps on going and my friend has her own boyfriend and he gets jealous cause she flirts with heaps of guys. i'm not quite sure, what i should do?
ANSWER: She can’t be much of a friend. And he isn’t much of a boyfriend if he lets her get away with that.
Lay down the law. No flirting with that girl or you can say good-bye to me, and don’t kiss me good-bye!
Wizard
October 1, 2006
Question: There’s a guy i've been dating for awhile, yet I don't like him anymore. He really likes me – flowers, chocolate, etc.
Do I dump him or see whether the spark comes back?
ANSWER: If a spark may re-ignite, you must still like him. If you are sure you don’t like him any more, then dump him. A spark could still re-ignite after a dump if he still likes you.
Wizard
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