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May 13, 2008
Question: I am seeing a married man who wants a divorce but can't because he is terminal with cancer. I am always on the last burner, but I have never been so in love. I think about him all the time. It has been 6 months we have been together, but don't see each other very often. Should I wait to see how his treatments end up and stay with him if he ends up having more time to his life??
ANSWER: A relationship with a married man, most of the time, is a dead-end relationship. This one is a dead-end relationship for two reasons instead of one.
Turn the relationship into a friendship. Give him your emotional support. As much as you feel you love him, adjust and find another guy to love (in a romantic way).
Wizard
May 11, 2008
Question: My friend got me and my boyfriend together about two weeks ago. And I don't really like him, but I might not get another boyfriend again. I don't want to hurt him.
ANSWER: Don’t date a boyfriend who you really don’t like just to have a boyfriend. If you meant, by saying you “don’t really like him,” that you don’t feel romantically involved, but you enjoy his company, stay friends with him. Don’t lead him on being a girlfriend when you really don’t like him. If you do, that is the way you will hurt him.
Misleading him just so you have a boyfriend is selfish and uncaring.
Wizard
May 9, 2008
Question: Dear Mr. Wizard, Love your column and advice! Can you maybe tell me why a guy who dumps you, then says he wants you back, then says that he is there for you if you need him, but if you need him pushes you away while telling you he still loves you but you should find someone else, and then says he still has hopes of you getting back together, does that?
ANSWER: Ah, the complexities of life. A guy who does all that is confused. The source of his confusion could be many different things, any of them alone, even all of them together all at once. No one can know from your question.
Be assured, though, he is confused. You cannot trust his expressions of caring or concern.
Wizard
May 7, 2008
Question: I've been dating and having sex with this guy who seems to have a girlfriend. He's a total jerk but I still like and love him beyond all those flaws he has. By the way, he didn't seriously court me, and when we're together he's so not a gentleman. Should I dump him or not? Or should I hope that someday he'd be serious with me since lately he's been saying the magic words, "I love you".
ANSWER: You want him to be serious with you – and now he is saying the magic words. Is he serious when he says them?
If not, he likes the sex and not much else.
Be careful.
Wizard
May 7, 2008
Question: I'm wife #4 and we've been together 20 years. During that time, he's had 16 different jobs and we've lost two different homes due to debt. He's constantly been a slob and has crap piled up to the ceiling all over the house which he promises to clean up, but never does. He has no ambition, is rude to strangers, is disliked by all my friends, my family, his family, and most of his co-workers. Admittedly, he is faithful to me, but that's not saying much since he has little interest in sex and only wants to have relations once every 3 or 4 weeks. We did 6 months of marriage counseling, during which he talked endlessly about his problems, his lack of friends, and his crummy job. What he never brought up was us or anything to do with our marriage. He would answer the counselor’s questions but somehow manage to turn the focus of the discussion back to his sad life and how unfair he is treated by the world. In the end, nothing got resolved in counseling.
My big question is this, should I dump him? I'm 50 and scared to death of starting again. Is it too late for me to take control of my life and get out of this wreck of a marriage?
ANSWER: No children living with you, your decision can rest on the quality of your life today versus the quality of your life in two or three years post divorce. The quality of your life depends, necessarily, on the quality of your relationship with your husband, your mental and physical health, and your economic security.
You’ve been married for twenty years and you are 50 years old. That means you have spent nearly half of your mature, adult life with him.
If you have a profession, or the means to earn a comfortable living without him, taking into account whatever assets in the marriage that you will be able to keep, your economic security may be okay. At 50 you can live a life (!) and enjoy a productive future. The life expectancy of women today, if you are in good health, puts you well up over 80. You can devote twenty years to an occupation and that should set you up okay.
If you have a good outlook on life, unlike your husband, you can grow a new garden. Life is full of revitalization and renewal. Yes, even at 50, the world offers a basketful of fun activities and future success. You can even meet another companion.
Given the optimistic prognosis for you in economic security, health, and future prospects, you should seriously consider a new life without your husband, if indeed he has become the despondent, unloving, miserable character you describe.
Wizard
May 7, 2008
Question: Hi, I met this guy in Santa Fe and I have really fallen for him. I think he likes me too because of the way he acted, but now that I’m back home in Paris, Texas he tells me that he can’t sit back and wait until we see each other again. I really want to be with him even if it means I should start a new life there. Do you think he, it’s worth it??
ANSWER: Only you can know that. And if you didn’t spend much time with him in Santa Fe, not even you can know for sure. You can only find out for sure by going back to him, and the risks are high. Most people in your situation would think the risks are too high. But you must make your own decision, based on your own circumstances, instincts, needs, and ability to take care of yourself if it fails.
Wizard
May 7, 2008
Question: I’m so confused now. I like this guy, as in really like him. I think I had fallen boots and all for him. He said he also likes me a lot. In fact, he thinks he loves me. But the problem is he never makes time for me. We have been phoning each other for like 2 weeks and we are now an "item." I don’t know if he is serious or what because my opinion is that he should at least make time to see me. What can I do? We want to have babies in the future but the fact that he "ignores" me so makes me sick.
ANSWER: Wait a minute, BABIES? Your question asks, if you like him, and he likes (or loves you), and you’ve been phoning each other for like two weeks, so much so that you have become an “item,” why isn’t he making more time to see you? You thought he was serious, but now you aren’t so sure. Then you close with “we want to have babies in the future,” but the fact that he ignores you makes you sick.
Did you tell him you want babies with him? If he brought it up, you should worry. If you brought it up, he should worry. Babies should not be a topic of discussion when you start a relationship. If you want to scare a guy off, just say “I want babies.”
Wizard
May 5, 2008
Question: He’s a sweet guy and doesn’t deserve it but I don’t feel it anymore, and he’s getting annoying. What should I do?
ANSWER: If you’ve lost interest in your boyfriend, it is a time for a dump. Whether he deserves a dump is a different issue. Justice, or the question of whether someone deserves a dump, is never the important issue when deciding whether to dump. A guy often deserves a dump, but you should never wait for when he deserves it. When your interest in him has waned or diminished, it is time for a dump – regardless of how much it is or is not deserved.
Wizard
April 30, 2008
Question: I only have been going out with this guy for a day and I don't like him. I know I should dump him. Any ideas on how to make it a little easier?
ANSWER: Lots of ideas. Make it easiest by doing it. As you delay and wonder, you increase your own anxiety about how to do it. The best way to learn how is by doing it. You do it better with practice. It is also more polite and respectful to tell the guy you are no longer interested in dating with him because he will know about it and not wonder why he hasn’t heard from you. By telling him, you also have the opportunity to compliment him by telling him that you like him and enjoyed your date with him, though you don’t want anything romantic right now. In this way he gets a plum to make him feel better, he keeps his dignity and self-respect, and he goes on to another girl without wondering what he did wrong or that something was wrong with him. If you think he was too over-weight, or his hair was too thin, or he talked too much, don’t tell him. Leave him saying only positive things. If he gets a boost from you, he will feel more able to find another girl, and you will feel good about it.
Wizard
April 29, 2008
Question: Hello, I'm gay and I have a boyfriend. But when we talk he does not talk much. But when I leave he texts me like CRAZY. He is very annoying and I broke his heart once. I don’t want to do it again, but I have lost all interest in him. Help me please.
ANSWER: If you keep the relationship going while you have lost your interest in him, you will only increase the hurt and resulting damage. You must resolve, yes, to break his heart again. But do it and do it now, so you lessen the pain. If you mislead him further, he will be hurt even more.
Wizard
April 29, 2008
Question: This guy had a lot on his mind, but still wanted to have sex with me. Once he was done, he asked me, "Is it rude to leave now?" I knew he wanted to leave to attend to what was on his mind, and because he was done with me. What should I have said?
ANSWER: “That depends on when you come back, and what you are like when you get here.” And, how important your response is, depends on how fair you are to yourself. For instance, how long have you known him, what is your relationship with him, and do you want or need to see him again?
Be careful. Don’t degrade or de-humanize yourself.
Wizard
April 29, 2008
Question: I wrote you on April 16th. I’m the one in the "thing" with the guy for 8 months that’s gone nowhere. You said if he hasn’t had me over to his house then he is probably hiding something.
A couple of Saturdays ago he started texting and calling me. He called throughout the day and night continually asking what my plans were. I got excited because I thought he was going to finally ask me over, but he never did. I ended up telling him I had plans at 8:00pm. We texted every minute until 11:00 pm until he sent a sexual text. I told him I was reserving sex talk for the real thing. He said fine and bye. One hour later my friend drove by his house and a car was there. The car stayed the night. The girl that owns the car has been to the house a couple of times by his own admittance. I also saw them in a parking lot and it didn’t appear they were "together"; she seemed awkward and walking behind him. They were in separate cars (same on that stayed over). He told me about this dinner without me even asking. He says it’s a friend from growing up, that he’s not attracted to her, her personality is somewhat annoying, and they just hang out when he gets bored. I couldn't tell him my friend is flipping a house on his street and saw the car there overnight. I did tell him I thought he was seeing someone because of him not having me over and his rude goodbye that Saturday, and I suspected that's why he got off the phone because someone was there or came over later. He denied it.
I said we aren’t dating and given his new house and he’s single I would expect him to have fun. I just didnt want to be lied to about it. He’s still sticking to the story and is adamant this girl is just a friend. He said that’s all the explanation I should need because that was the true story. I didn’t push it because I didn’t want him to think it was that big of a deal. He doesn’t know I know about the car or I that I saw them after dinner.
I am NOT dating this guy, but talk to him more than anyone, even my best friends. I feel cheated because even if the girl has only been there 3 or 4 times this month, she is getting together time with him, I am not. I explained this to him. That talking on the phone for hours at a time and texting all day and night was not doing it for me!
My girlfriends tell me he is just trying to figure out when the right time is to advance our relationship given his control issues and our work relationship. I am beginning to think that’s wrong because I think any guy would have at least tried to sleep with me after all these months, especially knowing my divorce was final a month ago.
Maybe it's because I’m 10 years older (29/39) and successful, but he is successful too. I have no kids and look really great, still model on the side, and look much younger. People are shocked when I tell them my age. Every time I try to avoid his calls he always finds his way back to me. We talk or text almost everyday for hours at a time. My friends say just have fun because he is really hot and I should enjoy talking to him, but I get very wrapped up and can’t even look at other 27-32 year old guys (I say this because my age isn’t an issue for any of them) that like me because I want him SO bad.
He initiates all the calls and I play the "rules." If the girl is a real girlfriend, then he can’t be into her given his verbal time with me, especially the sex talk. I don’t know how he'd have the time! I just don’t know why he lied about the overnighter. Note: she wasn’t there at all last weekend. I haven’t asked him his address, nor asked to cook him dinner. I’m scared of the denial, don’t want to rush him, or scare him away.
My guy friends say he’s a total nut for not advancing this when he knows I am attracted to him. I just don’t know how to get over something I want so bad!! I want him more than anything! It doesn’t even have to be serious. I just want to hang out and have fun. Obviously he is attracted to me and I don’t find many people I am attracted to and NO one with this kind of chemistry ever. What do I do now??? PS - Thanks for the advice.
ANSWER: He’s good at telephone calls and texting. He balks at personal contact. Your guy friends are thinking like guys – why in heaven would a guy be so neglectful of a “come on” from a woman like you? It is a mystery.
You say you are afraid of a denial, don’t want to rush him, or scare him away. Denial? He has been aggressively telephoning and texting you for hours at a time. Rush him? You’ve been trying to get him to get over his “verbal time with me” for a long time. Of course you want to rush him. Scare him? What could he be scared about? Do you look like the swamp thing?
This is turning into a weirdness that reflects on you if you don’t put it to a proper test.
If you want to make it less scary for him, and less of a “rush,” and less likely for him to say “no,” ask him out on a public, non-sexual date. Go to an afternoon event of some kind. Start with short and simple dating.
Maybe that is what he wants – short, pleasant, sexually inconsequential dates for a while. Maybe he feels threatened. Start some personal contact dating as if you were twenty years younger and inexperienced, shy, not interested in the sexual aspects of dating. That might be your open door to a fun relationship with the real guy (not the telephone voice or the texting mojo).
Wizard
April 28, 2008
Question: Heya! So I have been dating this really hot guy for the past month but suddenly everything besides me comes first in his life. And when we are together he doesn’t talk much. He just wants to have sex. He even asked me if I wanted to **** **** *** and video tape it!
I don’t know if I should dump him, and I have tried, but he doesn’t answer his phone and he’s too busy to see me. Should I dump him and how?
ANSWER: He doesn’t appreciate the value of your many qualities that have little to do with sex. A guy who focuses only on sex as the most important quality of a girl makes a bad date for a long-term relationship.
Your involvement was only about a month and your question reveals no love lost. He doesn’t answer his phone and he’s too busy to see you. The simplest way to dump him is to drop him out of your life. No need to talk to him – he already doesn’t talk to you.
Wizard
April 25, 2008
Question: Dear Wizard. Thank you so much for your valuable time and deep wisdom. I need your help.
My boyfriend dumped me over a little fight (we didn't even raise our voices to each other). The next day onward he wanted me back. He insists that the only way our relationship would work is if I were to love him completely and we were 100% committed to each other. I agree that complete commitment is good, but it would take some time for me to regain my sense of trust. Just as I was convinced to get back with him, he started pointing out the reasons I should not come back. This has become a repeated pattern.
He claims that his love for me is unconditional and he wants me to be happy and to be loved if I'm not going to come back to him.
The last time I told him that I wanted to come back to him, instead of being happy about it, he told me that I should consider meeting other men if I'm not coming back. I felt confused, I was saying that I wanted to come back. I felt he was trying to manipulate me, but not sure why. I was so frustrated. I don't know what he really wants.
I haven't seen him in about a month, and the longest I've been able to get myself to not talk with him on the phone is three days.
He tells me that he loves me and isn't interested in anyone else. I still feel hurt over how he dumped me and how he doesn't romance me like he used to. I would think that if he really wanted me back, he'd do the things he did to win me over in the first place, but he is indifferent when I try to tell him how I feel about that and other things.
I feel like he doesn't care about my feelings. He doesn't respond when I clearly tell him how I feel about things, or why I've been ambivalent over the idea of getting back together with him. I have pointed out that he has been ambivalent too in the way he pressures me to come back and then discourages me as soon as I say I will. To that, he simply says that he's trying to "comfort" me. I have to think . . . what? . . . huh?
He doesn't validate what I'm trying to say, and if he does respond, it's only in a defensive way that avoids the subject. I do try to be direct without being bitchy. I want to be understood. I try to understand him. But I get frustrated with his indifferent stance, and then I do get angry and end the conversation and hang up.
I feel like there are deeper problems that I can't work out with him and I'm tired of all this hurt and confusion.
He keeps calling, leaving sad messages, and after a few days of this, I soften and finally talk with him. Then he starts pressuring me again to come back to him, and around and around this craziness goes. I want off the merry-go-round and told him plainly that I'm not coming back.
He wants us to still talk, but our talks have become long, torturous sessions that leave me feeling drained and confused.
I want to be stronger and just move on, but I still have feelings for him and have a hard time getting past the loneliness I'm feeling during this time. PLEASE, can you help me understand: WHY DOES HE TREAT ME LIKE A YO-YO? and How do I move on?
ANSWER: 100% commitment is good – with the right guy. This guy is inconsistent and puzzling. The reason he is like this is probably confusion on his part about what he wants – and he passes it on to you so that you can feel like the one that is confused. It’s a subtle way of diffusing his own confusion.
If this is true, it is not a concerted effort with a great deal of thought. It is a passing pleasure for him to release a little anxiety and feel cool inside that he can test your mettle so easily.
A guy interested in you will not act indifferent when you try to tell him how you feel. A guy interested in you will dim the city lights to cozy up and hear your every word.
Your guy is not comforting you – he’s comforting himself. Why? It is not an easy answer. The reason might be too deep to explain on a web page advice site, but it should be of no consequence to you. You don’t need the hurt and the confusion.
His dump frees you to find a guy interested in you, and who is not interested in the gamesmanship of making you duck and dive every which way. Restrain yourself from talking with your former boyfriend. He dumped you. Stay dumped and be happy.
Wizard
April 24, 2008
Question: I am 29-year old woman dating a 24-year old male. He loves me very much as it appears that he would do anything, but, he is irresponsible, immature and would rather me pay for everything (I have my own money), even to purchase a bagel for 6 dollars. Keep in mind I will pay him back, but he gets very upset. I have a career. He moves furniture. I need to know if I should dump him because I do not want to waste my time. I was involved with someone for 8 years who left me. I don’t want to repeat that.
ANSWER: Without knowledge and experience with the guy you date, the chance of losing the guy is at least 50% right away. As time goes by, two things clash like continents molding a new planet. One: as you know the guy better and the relationship goes along in a good pace and everyone is happy, it seems the chance of him leaving you is reduced. Two: as time goes by, the chance that he leaves you increases because if he is not the right guy for you, it won’t last, and it will be over sooner – not later – because a longer relationship with the wrong guy will end sooner, not later.
So, given the natural order of the dating world, though you do not want it to be repeated, it will repeat over and over again until you meet the guy who you think is right for you and who agrees and wants you. Don’t get too excited. He’ll probably not work for you. You are already saying he’s irresponsible, immature, and can’t handle a career woman. Well, maybe he can, and you’re missing something. If you’re sure, then dump him and move on to an older guy, unless you want to hang on to his guy for a little while because he’s fun.
Anyway, you won’t waste your time if you want to have fun. If you want to find a mate of lasting qualities, you need to get serious about who and what you date.
Wizard
April 24, 2008
Question: I finished with a lovely guy due to the long distance of around 200 miles. We were happy for 9 months. However, when we missed weekends together, I slowly drifted from him and we decided to leave it. We never argued and for two months we were both ok. I started dating a guy from my town who is great. However, the guy who I split from says he misses me and loves me and wants to buy me a house and make a life together. I really like the guy I am with, but part of me thinks maybe I made a mistake as I was really happy with my ex before??? I am lost.
ANSWER: Though one cannot determine how long you have dated the guy from your town, surely you are not married. You are not so bound to him that you can’t go back to the guy 200 miles away now and again.
As has been said in many answers, long distance is poison to most relationships. Yours might be an exception, though you should be suspicious about the promise of love, house, and life together. That is not the usual result of only nine months in a relationship. It could be a gentleman’s expression in good faith of hope and desire for a future with you, or it could just as easily be the maniacal cravings of a sore loser. There might be no harm in testing the waters, even if you must stretch that toe over 200 miles of earth, because you have fond memories of him.
Suggestion: Don’t go because of love, house, and life together. Go only because you aren’t sure whether you made a mistake. This is testing the waters with your toe, not diving in.
After testing, if your toe tells you the waters are inviting, don’t commit whole hog. Go, but with tentative plans of escape. Always keep that door behind you open so you can leave safely with huge sighs of relief. Shut that door only when you obtain a confident and happy state of love.
Wizard
April 24, 2008
Question: My boyfriend will lie to me about anything. I feel like he is scared because I will get mad if he tells me the truth. I hate liars and he knows it, but still lies. We have been together 1 and a half years. Is it time to dump him?
ANSWER: You hate liars and your boyfriend is a liar. Whoa, that looks like a dumping necessity.
Wizard
April 24, 2008
Question: I want to dump my boyfriend but . . . I can’t! He’s all I LOVE YOU and is like OBSESSED and the things I used to smile about now piss me off [relationship wise]. I want to dump him, I think, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I’m positive I don’t love him anymore. HEELLLLPP MEE!
ANSWER: If you positively don’t love him anymore, then you positively must dump him. If you know that you must dump him, then all the questions that can arise are dashed and no problem. Your only problem is making it happen.
If you are on your way home and must cross a river to get there, and no bridge exists, you cannot fly over and you cannot walk around it. Simply put, you must step into the water and swim across if you want to get home. You have no other choice. The water might be cold, you might worry about your strength to swim, you might think about currents, snakes, and biting fish, but you will cross if you want to get home.
The dump is the same kind of situation. If you are in a dating relationship and want to end it, you must get out of it. There is no other alternative. You can worry about how he will feel, his anger, his hurt, his loneliness, his dashed hopes or expectations, and what his friends and family think. None of that helps you – because you must dump him if you want out of the relationship.
Note this wisdom: You are free – but only if you exercise your will to accomplish your goals. The energy to exercise your will exists within you, nowhere else. You must harness that energy and direct it now to accomplish your goal – or you are not free. Do not be a slave to circumstances you can control.
Check the answer to the question before you (April 23) for a way to do it (one “do” and three “don’ts”). If your relationship was long-term, it may require more finesse, but you learn best by doing it.
Wizard
April 23, 2008
Question: I’ve been on about 7 dates with this guy. I just don't feel like we click and he seems to really like me. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be with him. What should I do?
ANSWER: Be honest and straight with him. Tell him, “I like you but I don’t think we click enough to be dating. I hope you understand.” Don’t do it at the end of a date – then with justice he will feel cheated. Don’t date him again, because you don’t want to mislead or confuse him. Don’t tell him anything was wrong with him.
If you do the one “do” and avoid doing the three “don’ts” listed here, you should do just fine and so will he.
Wizard
April 21, 2008
Question: My boyfriend hooked up with this girl when we broke up for a month in October and he told me they "just kissed." I looked at his phone records in October and they talked for hours . . . even until November. November was when we got back together. From November until then they didn’t talk. I checked his phone bill. But then she went to France and he said, "I’m gonna miss your neck and your smilies." He said because she was so tall and she sent him smilies all the time. I was furious. Then when she was in France she sent him a facebook message saying, "miss you," but he didn’t send her the message back. This month was the first month she got back from Paris and there was a picture of a bunch of people on a couch and she was grabbing his leg with both of her hands. He says he loves me and for me to trust him.
Am I crazy or am I getting played? If they didn’t talk when we were together – but I saw the picture today of them. What do I do? Am I overacting? Please HELP ME.
ANSWER: He admits to his adventure with the other girl, but says he loves you and to trust him. He said he kissed her, and nothing in your question suggests sexual activity beyond kissing. If you have come to terms with his failing you during the break in your relationship, then you should accept the fact that they kissed, and take a short leap of faith and try to give him your trust.
His behaviour occurred during the time of a break in your relationship. You cannot expect purity from a guy who has split with his girlfriend. Now back together, he wants you to trust him. The wizard thinks you should extend to him your trust – not because he has earned it, but because in doing this you give him the opportunity to prove his worth to you, and thus earn it.
Wizard
April 20, 2008
Question: Well, he is a person with great dignity and everyone respects him. He is married and has a kid. He is happily married. He said one day that he loves me in spite of being married, and he would express his love in front of any women as his entire love. It was his wife who proposed to him. Then we got physically close and he wants more closeness. He said that I must wait for him and not marry anyone, as he cannot tolerate the feelings of separation from me. He contacts me when he is alone, not with his wife. When with family he never calls me and asks me not to call/sms him either. He does not speak out clearly about his intentions but says his wife and I have equal rights on him. No one knows our affair and he wants to keep it a secret.
ANSWER: He besmirches any dignity or respect he may have earned. He degrades the qualify of his love and commitment to his wife and child. He lies when he says he loves you and that you have equal rights to him with his wife. He cheats you and belittles you when he tells you to wait for him and not marry someone else.
Anything he says about the value to you of this relationship is pure horse manure, good only for the flies that follow his odor.
Dump him as swiftly as a quick hammer on a nail’s head.
Wizard
April 19, 2008
Question: Hi! Thanks for your web pages. As I read them once again, I once again collected myself and understood the freedom of choice and the miracle of compatible love.
ANSWER: Nicely put. The freedom to date only those one wants to date based only on one’s needs and likes, and the miracle that happens everywhere every day.
Wizard
April 18, 2008
Question: I can’t decide if I should break up with my boyfriend. We have been together for 3 1/2 years and live together. We met when I was 20, and I was wild and not determined then. I am now graduating and starting a new degree and a new full-time job at the university, for which I have to drive an hour 5 days a week. He is working a full-time job that he hates and it pays nothing. He’s not in school right now, and he still has at least 2 years to graduate. We have talked about an engagement and marriage, but he has no money to do anything. I am so exhausted with school and work, and he acts like he has it bad, while I’m working twice as hard as he does. He is a good guy and I do love him, but we’re just on different paths now. Any ideas?
ANSWER: Your question is filled to the brim with doubt about engagement and marriage, and for several good reasons. Do not get engaged, yet, if at all.
Reasons for an immediate dump do not appear evident. You still love him and he is a good guy. Time has moved at a different pace for the two of you, and you look as if you are on different paths. Nonetheless, if you love him and he is a good guy, he might find a different job or go back to school. When he gets his life into sync with yours, and it will take a few years, you might find that an engagement is still a good idea. If your love for each other is genuine and of the lasting kind, you will get through these hurdles
Wizard
April 18, 2008
Question: I wrote you on April 15th about my boyfriend of 7 months and how he needs a break. I just wanted to thank you because out of everyone I asked you made the most sense and if you are right then it doesn’t really hurt so bad.
He told me that he didn’t really want me to see anybody else but that he couldn’t stop me, that it was my choice. He said that he didn’t know how long it was going to take. All of my friends are telling me that it is stupid to wait, that I deserve someone that can be there for me. I partly agree with them but at the same time I find myself putting up this front that I’m over it, but inside I’m still a mess. He is truly amazing and I would hate to loose him. I had started to picture a future with him because of how well things were going, I mean we were made for each other, at least that’s what he told me. We used to talk all the time, but I’m trying to give him his space like you said, so I didn’t try to talk to him at all yesterday. It is killing me!!!!!!!! But, if that is what he needs, then I respect and love him enough to do what he asks. I just wonder if this is hurting him as much as it is me.
Before any of this happened there was this guy that was trying to get me to go out with him. I told my boyfriend about this and it just became a joke. My boyfriend talked to this other guy and told him to stop hitting on me and he did. Now he has found out about our "break" and he is trying again. I don’t really like him but he is really sweet. He told me that my boyfriend was crazy and that he would have made time for me. He wants to hang out Monday, and in a way it would be good to get my mind off things, but at the same time it could backfire and cause my boyfriend not to even try to come back. So I’m stuck. I know that if he did still care, like he said he does, it would make him really upset to see me spending time with this guy. He says he’s not the jealous type, but I know otherwise. I mean, I can’t just put my life on hold because he needs a break, can I??????? Or is that what I’m supposed to do????
Should I listen to my friends advice and move on or should I follow what’s left of my heart and wait?????? I guess I’m just still really confused and your other advice made the most sense out of what everyone else told me, so I thought that maybe you would be able to point me in the right direction. Please, give me some idea about what I am supposed to do.
ANSWER: Your boyfriend is doing what he is doing with his eyes wide open. He will know about the other guy, but he will also know that he told you he needed a break. A break is what it means – a period of time when he does not date you (and a lot of other things happen, but of no concern to you right now).
If what you have in your heart is genuine, and it appears to be so, dating the other guy will not cause your heart to forget. When your boyfriend is ready, and if he remains interested in you, he will let you know, and you can make up your mind then whether you will return to him.
The answer: Your friends are right. You should not put your life on hold because your boyfriend takes a break.
Wizard
April 18, 2008
Question: Hello! Need advice. How to dump a guy you are not involved with. I know it sounds funny, but I am in a difficult situation. We are not friends, but he keeps interfering my in life and work (we are at the same work place) by telling not-so-true stories to our colleagues, and mocks me any way he indirectly can, himself or more usually with the help of his friends. He is very old fashioned and seems to think that a woman’s place is only at home with kids. He is not romantically interested as far as I can see and has a happy family for himself.
ANSWER: You can make an effort to resolve this in two ways. If one fails, the other might still succeed. One is to deal with this problem at work where it happens, the other is to deal with it privately out of the workplace. Decide which is more comfortable for you based on the details you know about your employment and the people involved, then proceed.
If you decide to confront the problem at work, don’t get into a row with him. Avoid him whenever possible. Talk in business tones and comport your behavior with what is required there. When he tells a lie again, tell him factually that you resent his lies and will report the lie-telling to your supervisor. You should not work in a place where another employee makes you uncomfortable spreading lies about you. Your supervisor should be informed and should be ready to address it. Obviously, this will not succeed if your supervisor is incompetent or blind to the problem, or if you don’t have a supervisor. Some workplaces provide mediation services to help resolve inter-employee personal issues.
If you decide to confront the problem privately, speak to the guy away from the workplace, or during a break away from fellow employees, if possible. Tell him up front how hurt you feel. Tell him that if it continues you can’t stay at work and will look for work elsewhere. A possibility exists that he’s ignorant of how badly he has affected you. The direct, eye-to-eye approach, steering clear of an argument at work, might do the trick. If it does, then he’s not such a bad guy, just a misguided old bloke.
If neither of these options succeed, how do you deal with an old snot? You take your finger, put it up your nose, then pick it and flick it. Remember to flick it where it will get cleaned up with the rest of the dirt or succumb to the weather and rot.
If you must leave the job to get rid of him, that is like cutting off your nose to loosen the snot. That is more than unfair – it’s ridiculous. So, don’t leave voluntarily.
If you tried the two methods above without success, well, go to it, girl. Stand up and tell him what you think of him, right in his face, in front of everybody. You deserve respect. If he won’t give it to you, take it. If your fellow employees and the people who hired you don’t proudly stand up with you, you’re in the wrong workplace! Stand up for your personhood! Make them stand up with you or fire you, and leave proud. You are not a woman willing to kowtow to a snot.
James Cagney, in a 1948 film called “The Time of Your Life,” said it well, “Living is an art; it’s not book-keeping.”
Wizard
April 18, 2008
Question: Should I dump my fiance and the father of my daughter? I still love him but we fight all the time.
ANSWER: You must stay closely involved with him as father of your child, but nothing justifies a continuing fight. If the two of you cannot determine the cause of the fighting and stop it, your life will be happier without the marriage.
You can shut the door on marriage if you must, but you cannot shut the door on fatherhood. He’s already entered the room.
Wizard
April 16, 2008
Question: I have had "it" for a guy for 8 months. I was separated when we met and now divorced. He has known for 3 weeks I am "official" but knows I lived alone for a year before the divorce. I have no kids. We work at the same corporation, different buildings. I’m in a high profile spot, he’s not. He’s ten years younger but is mature, has his own house, and is very intelligent.
We started with heavy flirting, chemistry, one lunch, visits to his office, texting, then texting got very sexual, now there are two to three hour phone conversations (new since divorce). He is somewhat verbally controlling and sex talk is also aggressive. He says work is an issue, but wants to have me over to his new house.
Hasn’t happened yet. He's afraid people will talk and he is very private. Both of our fathers WERE very successful in our corporation.
All I want is to have fun and have told him so. I find myself really wrapped up and waiting for his call. I’m obsessed analyzing his next move. He will go two days and not call. I feel sad when I don’t hear from him. Then he's hot and heavy on the weekends or days straight. The conversation or text always turns to sex. He is the hottest guy I’ve ever seen, but the sex talk is now boring because I am ready for the next step. When I asked if he'd like to go out, he said he'd think about it. This wasn’t rude, just matter of fact. That was a week or two ago. I told him I'd only ask once. He says he likes aggressive women because he's not and I even went to his office and made a sexual comment to him yesterday. This was private and appropriate given our time talking and he seemed to like it. There is NOTHING in policy that says we cannot see each other because I’m not his boss. I’m having a hard time moving on and he keeps calling.
Every call makes me think he is going to have me over or it will progress. He does NOT have a girlfriend (it’s VERY true), NOT gay, says he is stubborn, picky, hard to get along with, okay being alone right now, and hasn’t had sex for one year. I used to be a model and know I am very attractive. I also look 10 years younger, I am smart, and make a great salary. I just don’t get it! I can’t get over it and compare everyone to him. I really get along great with him and really like him. Please advise!
ANSWER: He says he wants you over to his new house. Why not take him up on it? This has been going on for eight months. Invite him out to dinner – at his house. From what you have written, this is not too aggressive. If he accepts, he follows through on his own suggestion. If he doesn’t respond to that, something else is in the way of him doing what 98 percent of the male population within twenty years his age would do.
If he’s not gay, he is hiding something, another woman, a relative, a birth mark, a psychological insecurity, a sordid past . . . something. Or he’s compulsively slow and plodding, which will not keep the relationship going if you succeed in starting a dating relationship.
Wizard
April 15, 2008
Question: Even though my boyfriend has been a jerk, a liar, and self-centered, I love him. Should I dump him?
ANSWER: No, not if you still love him. If he doesn’t grow out of these characteristics, don’t forget you can dump him when you grow tired of them.
Wizard
April 15, 2008
Question: Wow. I really don’t know where to start. I have been with my boyfriend for seven months yesterday. He called me that morning and wished me a happy anniversary, told me he loved me, and then all of the sudden things changed. During that same phone call he said that he needed a break from everyone, and I was like what do you mean, and he said that he was really stressed and that he needed alone time so he could get himself together again because he didn’t know who he was anymore.
He said that everything was going wrong in his life and that he only had one good thing left. So I asked him what that was and he said me. So, if that’s true, then why won’t he use me to help him through his problems instead of pushing me away. I love him and this is killing me.
I don’t believe in breaks. I was taught that you are either together or your not. So today I sent him a text message telling him I loved him and there was no response. So I sent one more saying that I guess that was the answer to my question and I told him goodbye. I just don’t understand how you can say that you love someone as much as he claimed to and them all of the sudden be like I need a break. He used to always get mad at me if I didn’t talk to him when I was upset. So why can’t he do the same thing, show the same respect, and let me help him?
I was really confused yesterday, so I called him that afternoon and apologized. He asked me for what, and I said that I didn’t know, for whatever I did wrong. He was like you didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t your fault. I just need a break. So I was like, so is this it, is this whole thing over, and he said no it’s just a break. If that was true, then why didn’t he answer my text and why hasn’t he called? I guess I just need to know where to go from here. And how to move on, or if I should wait. I just don’t know. I’m lost.
ANSWER: Wow. Any one in your shoes would be lost, except maybe the wizard. One of two things is happening. One is nothing of any consequence. He just wants a break, simple as that. The answer is give him time and see how it goes. The second is a break with a purpose – a need to search for roots, meaning, and light. If the second, the answer is the same, give him time and see how it goes. Just in case the break is of the rare kind the wizard hopes for, read on.
He is focused on problems about which most people have no awareness. He knew when he called to say he loved you on your anniversary that he would tell you he wanted a break. He is truthful when he says he feels stressed and feels that he needs to be alone. Take those words seriously. His need for a break is not a sign of disrespect for you.
A rare but well-made guy needs to reassess who he is, what he is doing, how he is doing it, why he does it, and where he is going. Some guys never think that way. Some guys try but don’t really think very hard. Your boyfriend may be the type who feels a compelling need to delve deeper. What does he need to understand? Well, pretty much everything, but himself first and how he fits second.
If he is depressed, you would likely have seen other signs of trouble. He is only feeling out of sync with the world. You are a part of everyone else. You are a part of the world. He will adjust after he reassesses.
Some guys adjust and get better. Some get worse. Some guys don’t adjust and stay mummified. Your boyfriend of seven years is full of angles with no straight lines, unruly and restless, bumped and bruised, tossed and tangled. He will need his space. Give him time to think it all through. He might do something dramatic with his time, and maybe his life. If he is well-put-together, he can do wonders in a positive way. Whether you will be included in his life depends a great deal on what he determines about himself, where he fits in this world, and what control he thinks he can exercise in it.
He needs to do this without you – and this has nothing to do with not caring for you. His independence and his drive are beautiful things. He could be a great standout. If he doesn’t include you, it will not be because you lack things of beauty and greatness in his mind. It will only be that his dreams are taking him to new and stranger territory where you cannot realistically go.
One final thing. Just as some guys adjust and some don’t, some guys think like this and some don’t, some guys get better and some get worse. Also, some guys do this in a day or two, and some (though very rarely) take years. Some guys do it in one fell swoop and other guys do it periodically as in mood swings.
Many people think what the wizard writes in this answer is crazy. That is because they don’t know. From the wizard’s genuine experience, the wizard knows. If your boyfriend is the rare and beautiful kind, he will muster up some greatness from his reassessment. If he isn’t, he is still a fine specimen of a soul in search of his roots.
Wizard
April 15, 2008
Question: I have a great boyfriend, but I like another kid. What do I do? What do I say to my boyfriend because I want to dump him?
ANSWER: Keep it simple. Tell him you don’t want to date for a while. He’ll lose interest (probably) and you can date the guy you like. If he keeps asking you out or tries to interfere with your relationship with the guy you like, be more specific with him. Say, for example, “Look, I liked you before. Now you’re really on my nerves. Leave me alone.”
That should work for you just fine.
Wizard
April 13, 2008
Question: Should I follow my heart and keep him in my life even though he likes another girl? Or should I completely cut it off without even saying goodbye?
ANSWER: If following your heart puts you on a road of disappointment, your heart is leading you the wrong way. Sometimes the heart does not think so well as the head. Your feelings are a valuable guide most of the time, but the head must over-rule the heart when it sees the caution and detour signs ahead.
Another girl is a huge detour sign.
If you dump him, use your best judgment on whether you say goodbye. It depends a lot on such matters as how much he cares for you, how much you care for him, and how easily you communicate with each other.
Now, an assumption was made that you were dating him. If you haven’t been dating but you would like to date, then keep your hopes stored in the closet. When he stops liking the other girl, if you still like him, pull your feelings out of the closet.
Wizard
April 13, 2008
Question: Ok. Here is the prelude to my previous question. It started as friends and he wanted me. I kept taking him then pushing away because he didn't want to be serious, then taking him again and then pushing him away. It culminated last November when I was so tired of not being talked to or told what was going on – i.e. he would go out and not tell me, just not answer his phone - so then I cursed him out saying that he was with someone behind my back and he was a liar.
Over December we talked or I talked to him and found out that he wasn't cheating and all that. I tried to make up with him. That lasted until January when he finally let me come back. Since then it has been up and down but ok.
He refused to get an AIDs test and I got one and he freaked out saying I didn't trust him.
I introduced him later on as my x-boyfriend and we had this big discussion which was finally due. It was a healthy fight because we told each other the bad parts about us and we listened to each other.
He went on a trip and texted but rarely called. So his history is one of not talking that much. He is not verbose regularly but he has some qualities that I wish to keep forever. Again it comes back to the fact that he now doesn't tell me what he is doing or where he is going.
He tells his friends that I am horrible and all the bad things I did to him. So I don't see his friends anymore.
I came out of a relationship that I spoke to the guy multiple times a day. I was in constant contact with him and he was with me. He taught me that communication was the only way to understand someone. And we worked through things. Now I feel so outside, which is partly my fault because I kept pushing him away in the beginning and he clammed up.
So what should I do, wait for him to open up again hoping that we will become closer, or let him go knowing that he doesn't want a serious relationship?
ANSWER: He told his friends you are horrible and now you don’t see his friends any more. He doesn’t return calls and doesn’t talk. If you stay with him and wait for him to turn around, will you still think you are at fault and causing him to clam up?
Your road has been bumpy from causes you both have had a hand in. He won’t change. You won’t either.
Find someone more compatible, someone who communicates more readily, and someone who wants a serious relationship enough for you to know it.
Wizard
April 13, 2008
Question: I have this boyfriend who wants to have a "non-committed" relationship. He goes out and doesn't tell me. He has other girl 'friends' but tells me he is not sleeping with them. I don't trust him if he doesn't talk to me. And he doesn't talk much. I feel so unsure about the relationship and he gives me no assurance that things are ok or going well. Should I just let him go and be with his 'friends' or should I try to make it through the storm and hope for something better between us.
ANSWER: If what you want is a committed relationship, he is not interested. Let him go and be with his “friends.” This is not a storm – it’s the climate.
Wizard
April 12, 2008
Question: I keep catching my boyfriend looking at porn or pictures of naked women every now and again. I have really low self esteem and I have told him that I am seeking help for it, but he needs to be supportive of me. I feel so ugly and degraded and I hate the whole 'But he's a guy' excuse. It's such an easy way out of saying this from the guy as he doesn’t want to feel any guilt or remorse. Well, if they're in a committed relationship they should feel a bit guilty, but my boyfriend just feels gutted that I caught him rather than how he makes me feel. What should I do?
ANSWER: The wizard wishes you well in your efforts to get help for your self-esteem. Remember all those good and valuable things that live inside you. You are full of charm, love, intelligence, wit, and creativity, all of which will help you through everything in life, and which will be a benefit to your friends and family as well. The way you wrote your question oozes with evidence of these valuable characteristics. Hopefully, you will tap into them.
That your boyfriend looks at sexually explicit pictures does not mean, necessarily, that he has no interest in you, and this activity does not stand in the way of his supporting you if he wants to.
You feel hurt because of what you caught him doing, and your feeling comes in part from your lack of self-esteem. He may be unaware of how you explain your low self-esteem. Furthermore, he probably does not connect your feeling low with your anger or frustration with his behavior. This may explain why he feels no or little guilt.
Concentrate on your wonderful, obvious qualities. Build confidence in yourself with them. If he doesn’t come along with you, and support you, that is because he doesn’t want to and should be dumped. If he fails you, he does not fail you because of the pictures.
Wizard
April 11, 2008
Question: Thanks, wizard!!
ANSWER: Ho, ho, ho. Another thank you! Ho, ho, ho.
April 11, 2008
Question: Hi Wizard, RE: April 9, Guy 15 years younger than me.
Thank you for taking time to help me. I appreciate your quick response.
They guy is 38 and I am 53.
By the way, he called me again. I will let it ride and not worry so much.
I love your website. I'll tell others !
ANSWER: Thank you for the opportunity to help you. And, thank you for your message of thanks! If you benefited in any way from the wizard’s advice, the wizard is extraordinarily rewarded.
Wizard
April 11, 2008
Question: I've been seeing this guy for three months. At the beginning of our relationship, he was perfect. Opening the door for me, paid for everything, told me how amazing I was. Now that we've been together for a while and he knows that I'm his, it's like he's stopped trying so hard. He still does little things sometimes to show me that he cares, but not as much as before. I still want to be wooed. I do lots of things for him, and I feel like he may be taking advantage of that. How do I let him know I want him to treat me the same way?
ANSWER: A guy who used to do everything right, and then does less of it, or stops altogether, is one of or any combination of three things: 1) No longer interested in you; 2) distracted by something else; and 3) complacent.
If number one were right, you would likely have noticed and would not have written that he still does little things sometimes to show he cares.
If number two were right, you should have some inkling of what it might be, like sporting events (golf and basketball are big right now), work, another girl, illness, or family problems. Normally, you would be aware that something’s got his attention.
Number three, when the above two seem unlikely, is more common and curable.
One effective method to eliminate complacency is play hard-to-get for a while, just enough to let him know that he has to work a little to keep you. Be aware, though, if part of the problem is a growing interest in another girl, or a loss of interest in you, or both, the play hard-to-get method will cause him to dump you. Well, if he does dump you for either or both of those reasons, the dump is a good thing for you anyway.
When he realizes you are around less and harder to reach, he will re-invigorate himself to take action to draw you back in. His complacency should disappear and this could be fun for you. One note of caution: If he is the type of guy who periodically slips into complacency, he might not be a good long-term type of guy. Playing hard-to-get is good for dating relationships of fairly short duration (say, 1 to 5 months). When the relationship grows deeper and more meaningful, you don’t want to need to play hard-to-get. You can resort to other tactics then, but that is another piece of wisdom for a question from someone with that problem.
Wizard
April 11, 2008
Question: I am straight, but for some reason the only guys I seem to attract are bi with a preference for men, or gay guys who don’t yet know they are gay. I kind of wonder if I am the one who makes them gay. What is wrong with me and why are the only guys who try to like me are ones who like other guys more than girls? How do I attract guys who only like girls and are not interested in guys?
ANSWER: Be assured that you do not make them gay. No scientific theory supports the proposition that some guys turn gay because they dated a woman.
Gay guys might exhibit something to you in their personality that you like, and that other guys don’t like. It is just as likely that you’ve had a circumstantial coincidence of gay guys dating you.
In any either case, don’t worry about it.
Wizard
April 10, 2008
Question: This guy and I have been going steady now for 3 months. I am really sick of being with him, but he keeps telling me he loves me, and I know he really means it because everything a guy could do for a girl he has done it. But I want to break up with him. I don't know if I SHOULD. HELP!!
ANSWER: If you are sick of being with him and you want to break up with him, then do it! Would you make up your mind about what guy to date based solely on what the guy thinks about you, and not at all based on what you think? Don’t be silly, of course not!
What you think and emotionally feel is everything you should think about in deciding whether to dump. What the guy thinks is irrelevant. If he is the nicest, sweetest, best looking, friendliest, and most adoring guy in the entire community, dump him if you don’t want to stay with him. You might be able to list reasons – and you might not be able to list any reasons. Sometimes only your feelings are what tell you to dump and you can’t put it together in a rational thought. The wizard tells you emphatically to follow your feelings even when there is nothing else.
Wizard
April 10, 2008
Question: I never really liked sex. I only had one sexual experience in my life that I remember enjoying and it was with the 4th guy I slept with. I am not gay and I know what I like. I like to date and to get to know my man and make the relationship more important than the sex. But men don’t care about relationships. All they want is sex. When a guy is in a relationship with a girl, he always hopes sex will follow. Will I ever find a man who won’t expect me to have sex just because I’m his girlfriend?
ANSWER: This is a good follow up question to your STD question preceding this.
The simple answer is yes. You can meet guys who put sex on the want list after things much more important, like a woman who will love and adore him, a good companion, a woman who can be trusted on many levels at once, and a partner who contributes to making a good life for many years to come.
Unfortunately, you have had some bad experiences. One cannot know from your question specific reasons for your bad luck and fortune. However, generally speaking, if a woman communicates to a date early on that sex is great and she wants to have sex, the guy will anticipate it and expect it. Worse, if he is not in love or committed deeply to the relationship, the girl can become a conquest. The deed done, he abandons the relationship to move on to his next conquest. The sex, without any planning, scheming, or strategizing, becomes a priority. It becomes for him a first thought before everything else.
For a woman seeking a long-term loving relationship, this portends a disappointing end. If everything isn’t grand for the guy causing him to desire more and more, he will dump the woman after he obtains his conquest.
The wisest way to wrestle with this seedier side of manhood is not difficult for most women, if they need to or choose to do some wrestling. Avoid heavy sex in the early stages of the relationship and remain firm in keeping control of the circumstances that lead to unthinking behavior. Put in simpler form, do not allow the guy to set himself up, or set you up, for an all-consuming goal of sexual intercourse.
A guy (or girl) can set up the other quickly by artful seduction, passionate foreplay, drugs or alcohol, and other similar activities and things that incite sexual passion. It can also occur in calculated steps over a long time. The horny guy or girl can find strategies written in texts on the subject!
If you stop it before it starts, the guy who is interested in conquests will disembark the relationship. Good riddance! The guy who wants you for the right reasons will show patience. He will enjoy his non-sexual moments with you. He will want sex, as any normal guy will, but he will take it at your pace and in the manner you wish.
Wizard
April 10, 2008
Question: I have 2 STDs. One was the result of being raped. The other was just random circumstance. Neither are particularly serious and not life threatening, but they both present huge barriers when it comes to social stigma. Most intelligent people would not want anything to do with one disease, much less 2. Getting on with life mechanically and physically is the easy part. Socially it’s like being a leper.
How exactly do I start dating again? Is it even possible to find a long-term relationship with a man who is intelligent enough to know that sex has consequences and life goes on afterwards? Or am I destined to exclusively date my vibrator from now on?
I was actually dating a guy for a while, and when we were planning for our first night together, I told him about my diseases. He never called to confirm our arrangements. I can only assume my social life as I know it, at least in the personal sense, is over. It is easy to say that I have the ability to find a good husband, but part of me is starting to wonder if the self-confident woman who gets what she wants because she believes she can is an outdated social stereotype.
ANSWER: Sex is possible with STD. You can find a good counselor or a physician to discuss how this can happen, but you will have to take preventive measures.
What you should lose is casual sex early in a relationship. Date in the early part of the relationship without intercourse. You do not need to discuss STD’s immediately with your dates. Abstain from early sex.
When you have a good relationship with someone, and the dating progresses into something worthwhile, then you will need to discuss how and when sex will occur. Your date should understand (because you can educate him) and he will want to be sexually active with you – because he can with safety and enjoyment.
You are not a leper and you need not feel like one if you do not tell everyone about your STD status. It is a private matter to be discussed only with your counselor or physician and guys you date long enough, and with whom you are close, and who, because they want you, will have sex with you knowing they can do it safely.
Wizard
April 10, 2008
Question: We met online from distant states and 'fell in love.' He said he wanted to love me, protect me, cherish me, and after two months of talking on the phone, we finally met on his turf at my expense. He'd said he'd pay for half of my fare, but never did. On the fifth evening, I was homesick and felt insecure about whether or not he really wanted me there. I felt angry, but was really just scared and picked a fight which led to him saying something suggesting that we go no further with our relationship. So I said I'd pack and he could take me to the airport the next day. He said, "What about tonight?" I said, I'll sleep on the couch. He said, "No, I mean why not take you to the airport tonight? And I said fine and started packing. Neither of us said a word all the way to the airport. He pulled up in front of the terminal and I got my things out of his car. I walked into the terminal and he drove off. The next flight home wasn't leaving till 6:00 a.m. and it was a long night. I was in shock on the trip home.
Since then, we've exchanged a lot of communication defending our positions and trying to understand what happened. I take responsibility for my misguided anger. He has expressed deep regret, but basically, he doesn't seem to think that dumping me late at night far from home was inappropriate. He felt that I would be able to catch a plane that night. I wonder what his idea of 'protecting' me is. He could have let me sleep on the couch that night, but wanted me outta there right then.
Now he wants me back and thinks we could still be happy. He admitted that if I'd said anything (like an apology?) or called him, he would have come back to get me. I've gone back and forth in my mind, wanting to just move on, then wanting to work it out with him. I'm still emotionally attached, but it changes like the wind. One moment I'm so in love with him. He is so sweet most of the time. Then I think of moving so far from what has always been my homeland and I remember that night how he so coldly dumped me. He wants me to pull up roots and go live in his world, on his terms, I suppose. I'm used to being independent and hate feeling like I'm just a guest in his home. Just as I was about to tell him that I was NEVER coming back and he should move on, I got emotional with love for him. We talked and both felt that we should give us another try.
Should I give it another try and risk hurt similar to what I went through, or should I dump him?
ANSWER: You must doubt the quality of love that comes out of an online, two-month relationship. He said he “wanted” to love, protect, and cherish you, but his desire is directed at someone with whom he has had only an online experience. Following that up with a confession of love and moving in to live with him is a plan fraught with danger! Dump him.
If you had been dating for real over a period of two months, experienced problems, and had mixed feelings about him, the Wizard would recommend a second try.
But WHOA, Nellie! This is not a relationship between a dating couple that evolved over time. This is a two-month, online relationship in which a girl, intrigued with what she has learned about the guy, moves into the guy’s apartment!
Nix, Nix, Nix that. Too many unknowns about the guy exist. The risk involved is not another hurt of a similar kind. The risk involved is a new hurt of a much more painful kind.
If you can afford to live in another location where you will enjoy peace and security, within a reasonable distance from the guy’s home so you can date with relative ease, give the relationship another try. If things go wrong, you can go home! If you can’t afford to protect yourself in that manner, end it and move on.
Wizard
April 9, 2008
Question: A year ago a guy that was 15 years younger than me asked me to go out with him. My answer to him was "I am old enough to be your mother." He said so I have a baby with a woman as old as you.
A year later I ask him if there was anything that I might have said to upset him? He said no and we "are cool."
For some strange reason I became attracted to him a year later and asked him if we could be friends. He said yes. He took my phone number, gave me his cell number and e-mail address.
He called me and left messages to say hi! When I asked him to meet me for dinner, he said he might and would let me know. Well, he never calls me to let me know if he could go or not.
Sometimes when I call him he does not return my call for days. I see him at work, but he does not stop to talk to me. He just says Hi.
I asked him to breakfast the other day and he said ok. I called him back to change the day and to let me know if he can make it. Well, again he doesn't call me back to confirm.
Do you think that he gave me his cell number and e-mail address so I would chase him and he really wanted nothing to do with me, just to get back at me for not going out with him a year ago?
ANSWER: So what did he want, another baby with an older woman? He was spoofing.
Anyway, he is not getting back at you. The more likely reason is benign neglect. He has more priorities ahead of you. The age difference is a likely cause of where he puts you on his to-do list.
Your question doesn’t give the ages, but a general point can be made here. The younger a guy is, the more fleeting his interests. A young guy on Monday could have a hundred different reasons to seduce a woman 15 years older. On Tuesday, he could forget every one of them.
Wizard
April 9, 2008
Question: I just wanted to say that how you answered that last question from April 7th helped me out a lot and gave me a weird peace. Your website and advice is wonderful. Thank you, Wizard.
ANSWER: Thank you. Your success will warm my heart and fulfill my best wishes.
Wizard
April 7, 2008
Question: I've just dumped a guy for the first time, and I'm filled with regret. Did I do the right thing? And if I did, what emotions will I go through?
We've only been dating 2 months and live 100 miles away. He is a freelancer working evenings and weekends, and works very, very hard. He's very unemotional and rational in all aspects of his life, but this is a trait I can live with (you just have to look for the small practical things they do to make your life better).
I dumped him because he was too disorganized to make time to see me, and so without the emotional reassurance too, I didn't feel wanted. I gave him a month to name a time and place to meet up again, but even though he knew it was important to me, he didn't. And he didn't bother to get me a birthday present, even though he did remember.
He was upset when I went to see him face to face and dumped him, and I think he misses me. I feel so guilty and I already miss him – essentially, he's a great guy (minus certain social skills). Did I make a mistake?
ANSWER: His rational approach to life should cause him to communicate better with a purpose of showing his care for you. His failure to respond to your unequivocal message for a time and place to meet is more than mere disorganization. It is clear evidence that he lacked sufficient interest in you to keep you and is good reason for you to dump him.
His failure to give you a birthday present, only two months into the relationship, is less worrisome.
You did not make a mistake. It is natural to experience second thoughts about a dump after it was done, especially when the guy is a nice guy and his faults could have been tolerated. If you allow yourself to doubt your decision, you will cause yourself unnecessary worry.
Be assured that he is on to new relationships without you, and you will soon be on to new relationships without him.
Your relationship was only two months old and was handicapped by the distance between you. This handicap causes small concerns to loom large, so much that they can be fatal to the relationship. Even if you could tolerate his unemotional and rational modes of behavior, when it occurs on matters important to you, the consequence will likely be so much greater because of the distance. This sounds simplistic, but it is true. Cultivation of a romance, especially a young one, over a great distance will magnify the importance and hence the consequence of small personality quirks. This general truth is proven over and over again.
Wizard
April 7, 2008
Question: I honestly don’t know how to date. Or how others do it. I am not cut out for pursuit. The last time I tried I just made an ass of myself and not in a good way. I texted him a bunch of times when he was busy and he called to tell me to stop. I have not heard from him in over a week and he never answers when I call or returns my voicemails. I don’t see the point in calling him anymore.
It’s always the same with all my attempted relationships. No guy is ever interested in me, and I somehow find a way to ruin it before it has a chance to start. In short, I GIVE UP.
Yeah, you can say I’m only in my early 20s and have all the time in the world to find love, but the only men I attract are ones who see me as a vagina, not a person. The guy I mentioned before, who was the only decent guy I have attempted to pursue, I destroyed my chances in 10 minutes flat. I resign myself to singlehood. As much as I want one, I will never have a man in my life. I am just not capable of being a girlfriend, and thus am not getting my hopes up on ever getting married. I hate being single but there is nothing I can do about it. By the way no guy has ever hit on me first. I always made the first move. I think that’s my mistake. Decent guys have an idea what they want, and I am never it.
ANSWER: These are despairing words from a young woman whose heart beats so full of love and care. You do. It is evident in your question.
You share your circumstance with many other guys and girls your age – yes, many of them – and this message is for them too.
Every frustrated, unhappy girl who cannot find a date, or at least can’t manage to get hooked by one of the good guys, thinks all the other girls are dating and having fun with good dates, meeting guys left and right, dumping and dating, fluttering in space like baby birds learning to fly in early spring.
You all should be – in a perfect world. The fact is that this is not a perfect world. We learn to adjust, improve, put up with, and eek out a satisfactory existence with what nature or god or chance gives us. We depend on our own diligence, intelligence, and health, with help if available from acquaintances, friends, and family. That is it. Some succeed, some don’t. The good thing is that most do succeed (and that includes you) after they learn enough about themselves and their environment to acquire a realistic appraisal of what success can be for them, and they go get it.
One thing causes a huge amount of angst and it is a source of confusion and dismay for most people a good deal of the time. That thing is this: “Let me see how everyone else is doing.” When that happens, inevitably assumptions get made about how well off everyone else is. This causes unhappy and defeating emotions of jealousy, envy, or feeling of unfairness, because the others are doing so much better! The old saying, the pasture next to you always looks greener from your side of the fence, is true. You see the nicely cut green grass. Up close are grubs, moles, rot, erosion, too much fertilizer, manure piles, and snakes, and it’s more trouble than what you find in your own yard.
All that having been said, you still have your problem, and this web site can’t solve it. But you can. Begin.
That’s right. Just decide to begin. You do that by shrugging your shoulders at what you just wrote and get on with eating what is on your plate. If you are a student, get on with your studies. If you work, get on with work. If you volunteer, get on with volunteering. Begin. If you have hobbies or enjoyments, get on with them. If you like fiction, start reading a new novel. If you like movies, get to a movie. And so on.
Once you have begun, then resolve to stop trying. Don’t resolve to stay single – resolve to stop pursuing. The hunter who embarks on a hunt and returns home without game is disappointed. You do not need to hunt. You need only be yourself – confident that you are worth the price of the soil you stand on, ready to face the challenges life brings to you, and at peace with the world. You do not need to prove yourself. You do not need to prepare yourself any further (at your age). You do not need to fight enemies or establish territory.
All you need to do is listen and respond proportionately to what you hear. If a guy speaks to you in a pleasant tone about the menu, be friendly back. Smile when you answer him. Do not try to push any of the “right” buttons in his psyche. Just be pleasant and affirm to him that you heard him by your response. You can add a question or a comment that will inspire a further response from him, if he is interested. If he responds, you are on your way. Just enjoy the moment for what it is – it isn’t much, but it could be a beginning. Do not hide or shy away. Do not get pushy or anxious in pursuit.
That is all. If the moment is right, it only takes a spark to light a flame. Let the natural mechanics of life take over. It usually doesn’t work. Remember that. But when it does, it can glow and fill a large space of your existence with pleasant memories.
It takes most people years of frustration and exasperation before they find the “right one,” if they find that person at all. Many people go a lifetime without finding the “right one.” But some do. Follow the advice here and you will improve your chances. You can succeed because you hold love and care in your heart. You have the diligence, the intelligence, and the good health of youth. You need the willingness to begin and the patience to wait, without engaging in pursuit.
Wizard
April 6, 2008
Question: I met this guy and I completely felt in love with him. I am single, never been married, and I don't have any children. But he was married, and he would tell me how unhappy he was. He didn't love his wife. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to leave because he knew for a fact that she would try to destroy him literally. They have two children together and he adores them.
One day out of the blue moon, he kissed me. I knew it was very wrong to kiss a married man, so I stopped him. He was a great kisser and I could not resist the temptation, so I let him kiss me again. Kissing led to another and another. I should have known better. I am feeling that he literally used me for sex. Although I have tried to stop him, he still continued.
I am feeling extremely used by this man because he took something special from me. He was my first. I can't begin to write how overwhelming this has become. He is a friend of my family. I don't know what to do. He's giving me cold shoulders. He did not even call me on my birthday. I am feeling very hurt and I can't stop crying about this horrible mistake.
What should I do? I truly feel that I was used and feel terrible because I can't tell my family. I felt misled and sincerely speaking I wasn't hoping he would divorce his wife. I have been very honest with this man. He knew I was a 28 year old virgin and wanted to save myself for marriage. He didn't respect my wish and I was too stupid and blinded by his deceitful ways. Please help and I need your advice.
ANSWER: You want him to give you the cold shoulder. You want him to avoid calling you. You want the relationship to end altogether. Why? Because it is a dead-end relationship in which you gain nothing and he selfishly gains a sex partner. He should know better, if you didn’t. He could have stopped the affair, if you couldn’t. He could have stopped when you wanted him to stop. He didn’t. He took advantage of you selfishly and unnecessarily. You are a victim and he goes unpunished.
The first and most important thing right now is to stay distant from him and stop any contact with him. You do not want to re-ignite his lust for you, nor do you want to remind yourself unnecessarily of your weakness for him. You were innocent and vulnerable. You are no longer innocent and you must not allow yourself ever to be vulnerable again.
If you need a counselor, find one. If, for example, you cannot overcome the hurt feelings, if you can’t sleep, if you can’t socialize normally with friends or family, if your diet is bad, if you smoke or drink when you shouldn’t, or if you have bad dreams, you might need to meet with a qualified counselor to help you regain your self-esteem and confidence.
You are wounded. Know that wounds heal.
You deserve your youth, your spirit, your self-esteem and respect, your confidence, and your personal security and strength. You must regain your mental strength, your hope for a wonderful future, and your happiness.
You will find a sweet, intelligent, caring, loving guy who will adore you, respect you, and care for you. This you must find – but in time, not now, when you have fully recovered your full self. By the way, your “full self” is not far away. She is right there in your heart and mind. Once you have erased this man from your thoughts, you will find your full self again, and live a full, productive, and exciting life.
Wizard
April 6, 2008
Question: First, he gave me Herpes. We have never had unprotected sex. For that reason I don’t believe he did it on purpose. He told me he didn’t know he had it until I got it. He never got an STD test in his life so he just assumed he was clean.
We agreed to an open relationship. I just got divorced and I am never getting married again.
Anyhow, there is another guy he knows and knows I have had sex with. I really like this other guy more and he likes me, but he is an incredible flake. I don’t have enough in common with the guy I’m with to contemplate staying with him much longer. He isn’t a bad guy, just not for me. I might just give up on both of them. The other guy is better for me, but we almost never see each other. And I’m just tired of the guy I’m with. Our relationship by nature is expendable, but once I end it I will be alone and once again be left with nothing.
Oh yeah, I am 25 and he is 27. The other guy is 25.
ANSWER: Well, so you move on. You will be alone and left with your peace of mind – that isn’t nothing! When you are ready, you’ll find another guy, hopefully not a flake and one who doesn’t have STD. See your doctor about symptoms, treatment, and prevention.
At least you weren’t married to any of them.
Watch out for STD. It is real and exists everywhere.
Wizard
April 6, 2008
Question: I like him. He is smart and funny and open with sex and cute and I am attracted to him and he calls, but he is cheap and he withholds and is a crap at saying how he feels and he said "I always thought I would end up with someone younger." But I have also seen moments of brilliance. Do I bail?
ANSWER: No. Stay for the moments of brilliance. When they stop, dump him. If they never stop, you can fall in love. If you stay with him long enough, he can learn to be more giving, more forthcoming, and more articulate expressing love for you. Hopefully, he won’t outgrow the smart, funny, sexy, and cute qualities.
If it weren’t for the moments of brilliance, “Bail!”
Wizard
April 5, 2008
Question: My current boyfriend and I met two years ago and became friends. We ended up hanging out one night and hooked up. I knew from the beginning that it was more than a hookup. We spent a lot of time together, we really started to like each other, and he asked me out.
From the beginning, I caused problems in the relationship because of extreme anger and jealously from a previous relationship. I knew it was a problem, so about 4 months into it I decided to see a counselor, which helped, but it has taken me a while to get back to normal.
Anyway, he has been acting different since we became long distance 2 months ago. He had to move for work. I've only seen him once since he moved and when I was visiting him I fell back into my old ways and snooped on his computer. I found a few things that I asked him about and he denied. When I returned home I found an email in his sent mail saying “my place” and “my other girlfriend.” He denied that too.
My ex who I was with before my boyfriend had tried to say my boyfriend was cheating on me and we believe my ex hacked into my boyfriend’s email and did this. We almost broke up over this. We still talk everyday. Some days he says he's so in love with me and other days it feels like he hates me. He is overseas now and he keeps getting upset with me for no reason. I am as nice and sweet as I can be to him. I'm not jealous anymore. I don't understand! I love him but I need him to respect me if he wants to keep me. I am really trying.
ANSWER: Your ex is over for good. Thank goodness. As for your current boyfriend, he is a long distance away, which creates a huge obstacle to communications and fun together. No doubt you are as nice and sweet as you can be, but the distance is likely to make it hard for him to get the full meaning of your messages, whether they are written or spoken. Probably more than you, he doesn’t understand.
Wizard
April 5, 2008
Question: He's a really sweet guy and all. He's honest and smart, but at times he's so DEPRESSING. I ALWAYS have to stimulate our conversations. It's like I have to ask a question to get him talking. It’s annoying having to always be the one to contribute to the conversation and keep it alive. He just so incredibly boring, but he's such a sweet guy.
ANSWER: After a while, if you are always the one to stimulate conversation, you will grow bored and tired, no matter how sweet he is. Don’t worry. A lot of sweet guys are good conversationalists. Go find one!
Wizard
April 5, 2008
Question: Dear dumpaguy, I dumped my now ex boyfriend. He used to put me as one of his top priorities besides school and work and family and friends, but then he changed. He disappeared for 3 months and then came back. I asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no, but I had reason to believe he was.
We met on an internet dating web site and while he was away I went to see if he was checking things out on there and he was, and he didn't contact me or anything. And he kept me on his contact list, but when he came back he said that he wasn't and that he had a family crisis to deal with.
I gave him a second chance, but it would also be his last chance. He new it was his last chance, so he was being good to me, treating me like he did when we first went out and checking in with me and sending me roses over msn. I told him after a few months that I loved him and that I was happy with him, and I was.
Things were going great, but then just a few days ago he put “let’s play secretary and boss tonight” on his msn window. I asked him to take it off his msn window. I even asked why he had it up there and he said nothing except for hi, and then signed off. Because we were dating, it hurt me and I felt like he was hitting on other women. I said that to him. He didn't take it off. In the morning it was still there and I gave him one day to explain his actions, but he didn't do anything. I just want to know why a guy would keep a women's e-mail address on his contact list if he has no feelings for her anymore and doesn't love her back.
ANSWER: He does have feelings for her, though not feelings of love. He keeps her on his contact list hoping that he will have contact with her again, not the kind of contact she wants – what he wants.
Wizard
April 4, 2008
Question: I’ve been seeing this guy for 3 months. He won’t ask me to be his girlfriend, but spends a lot of time with me and we talk everyday. I know from day one he has been hiding something from me, whether it’s a girl or something I’m not sure. I’ve told him how I feel and he reassures me he is hiding nothing, but all in all every day I trust him less and less. But I like him so much and don’t know why. Also, I think he has some deeper issues. He was adopted, raised by abusive adopted parents, was in Iraq, and I think this all plays into his lying. Help me. I want to walk away but am I jumping to conclusions????
ANSWER: He hasn’t asked you to be his girlfriend. Something causes him reservation and that could be almost anything. It might be important and it might be entirely irrelevant. You can’t know until he tells you or you find out, and that is not likely to happen before he asks you to be his girlfriend.
If you enjoy being his friend, there is no good reason to stop it.
Stay in tune with your instinct. You like him “so much” but you don’t know why. You don’t need to know why. Do not speculate about “deeper” issues. If they exist, they will reveal themselves eventually.
In your question you state you think he is lying, but you can’t formulate what he is lying about. If you like him a lot and want to keep seeing him, do so, and let the “hidden” parts of his life reveal themselves. If he has been lying, you’ll find out. If he hasn’t, you’ll be glad you stayed interested.
Wizard
April 4, 2008
Question: I have been in a long distance relationship for the past three years due to college. It will be at least another two years before we can be together. Lately it feels as though we have nothing in common. I can't tell if I'm just being emotional from stress or if it's time to pull the plug.
ANSWER: Long distance relationships commonly result in waning interest that leads to complete dissolution of anything romantic.
Rather than giving up, try to revive it. Find a way to visit with him. Personal contact is the best way to determine how much life exists in your love for each other.
Wizard
April 4, 2008
Question: My boyfriend of about a year has kicked me out three times. He wants me to move back in, but I feel uneasy and now I'm starting to lose sleep even. I don't think he cares what's always best for me, even though I think he cares about me. He's inconvenienced me a lot lately and he seems to make promises but never delivers. Like, he just told me what he would have gotten me for Christmas, what he wanted to get me, but Christmas was months ago. That's just how he is. He says what would be good to do but then doesn't do it at all. We have good affection for each other. We don't really fight, but I'm starting to think it's because I intentionally overlook things and eventually I will end up frustrated and with nothing. His interests seem to revolve around numero uno, which I thought was cool at first, but he's starting to be a little too cool.
ANSWER: Frustrated and with nothing is a bad way to end up. You are not numero uno, unfortunately, if you return to him. He’s kicked you out three times. Now it’s time you kick him out of your head.
Wizard
April 4, 2008
Question: I am with a guy people complain to me about saying whenever he tells me he is running late he is with his main woman, and I am just a stand- by.
ANSWER: People sometimes have no idea but think they know. The one who knows for sure is your guy. Ask him. If he lies, you’ll find out in time. If he is seeing someone else, you should dump him, unless you like being stand-by.
Wizard
April 2, 2008
Question: OK, SO THERE’S THIS GUY . . . . WELL, EVERYTHING STARTED ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO. I WAS WITH HIS FRIEND AND I SAW HIM ON MY EX PAGE SO I ADDED HIM ON MYSPACE. WE STARTED TALKING AND HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER AFTER A COUPLE OF WEEKS THAT WE TALKED. SO WE STARTED TALKING BY THE PHONE AND I WOULD TALK ABOUT MY EX AND HE WOULD TALK ABOUT HIS GIRL. AFTER A WHILE WHEN I BROKE UP WITH HIS FRIEND WE KIND OF STOPPED TALKING, BUT HE CALLED ME AFTER A WHILE AND WE STARTED TALKING AGAIN. WE BECAME FRIENDS. I WOULD ALWAYS TELL HIM ABOUT GUYS AND HE WOULD TELL ME ABOUT GIRLS.
FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN I STARTED LIKING THIS GUY AND THINGS WENT WRONG AND I WOULD CRY, HE WAS THERE FOR ME. OR WHEN HE HAD PROBLEMS WITH HIS GIRL I WOULD BE THERE FOR HIM. BUT LATER, LIKE 5 MONTHS AGO, WE STOPPED TALKING AS FRIENDS AND MORE LIKE TRYING TO HIT UP ON EACH OTHER. SO WE GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER MORE AND WE GOT CLOSE. SO AFTER IN A WAY WE WOULD ACT LIKE IF WE WERE TOGETHER.
BUT AFTER A WHILE WE STARTED FIGHTING FOR STUPID THINGS, AND AS TIME PASSED WE WOULD FIGHT MORE AND MORE. WE WOULD ALWAYS END UP SAYING BYE TO EACH OTHER BUT WE WOULD ALWAYS END UP TALKING.
WE HAD NEVER MET UNTIL ONE DAY WE MET AND IT WAS REALLY NICE. WE WERE AT HIS HOUSE WATCHING TV AND HE WOULD HOLD ME. THEN WE WENT TO GO EAT AND HE FOLDED THE RECEIPT AND PUT IT IN HIS WALLET. I ASKED WHY AND HE SAID BECAUSE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME WE WENT OUT. I THOUGHT THAT WAS SWEET. SO, YEA.
AND, WELL, THERE’S THIS GIRL THAT HE MET AT A PARTY AND WELL NOTHING HAPPENED, BUT THEY BECAME FRIENDS. BUT SHE DID HIM DIRTY AND IT KIND OF GOT TO HIM AT FIRST. I THOUGHT HE LIKED HER BUT HE PROMISED TO PUT THAT **** DOWN. HE DIDN’T. THEN HE FOUND OUT THAT HIS EX CHEATED ON HIM AND IT ALSO KIND OF GOT TO HIM. I ASKED HIM, DO YOU STILL LIKE HER? HE ANSWERED, NO, I DON’T. BUT DID SHE DO IT IF I NEVER MESSED UP? HE’S ONE OF THE GUYS THAT LIKE TO SETTLE DOWN AND DO THINGS RIGHT, BUT ALSO ONE OF THE GUYS THAT DOESN’T REALLY SHOW HOW HE FEELS, OR THAT LIKES TO BE ALL SWEET. HE SAYS HE LIKES TO KEEP HIS THINGS TO HIMSELF.
ANYWAYS, WHAT SHOULD I DO? YESTERDAY I CRIED AND TOLD HIM HOW I FEEL AND THAT I COULDNT TAKE IT NO MORE. THAT THANKS FOR EVERYTHING AND I CLICKED. HE TEXTED ME SAYING THANKS FOR ALL THE MEMMORIES AND THAT HE DOESN’T REGRET ANYTHING. AND I TEXTED HIM THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW I FEEL, THAT’S WHY I DID, THAT IF HE CAN GIVE ME TIME TO THINK CLEARLY AND DECIDE WHAT I’M GOING TO DO. BUT I TRULY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NO MORE. WHAT SHOULD I DO??
ANSWER: Maybe he doesn’t know how you feel because you haven’t said how you feel in just a few words, like this: I WANT YOU TO BE MINE. Or, I MISS GOING OUT WITH YOU. You can find examples in any card store that has Valentine’s Day cards. Tell him, straight up. At the worst, he’ll say no. Better, he might understand and be ready and willing to go out with you.
Wizard
March 30, 2008
Question: Should I dump a guy who pressures me for sex after only 3 dates?
ANSWER: If you don’t like it, tell him to stop. If he keeps pressuring you, dump him. No guy who respects his girl will pressure her into something she isn’t ready for, if he knows that she doesn’t like being pressured.
Some guys think the girl really likes it, even if she says she doesn’t. Just in case your guy thinks it is that way, be sure he understands. Tell him clearly that if he continues you will end the relationship “faster than a ten-wheeler squashes road kill.” He should understand that.
Wizard
March 30, 2008
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. He cheated on me during the first 2 months we started going out officially, so I broke up with him, but eventually got back together. He has stopped seeing her period, but still talks to her on the phone. It does bother me, but he says they’re just friends and she’s the one who’s always calling him. He treats me really good. He takes me out to dinner and movies and pays for everything, but recently we just keep fighting. I always start them, I'm not sure why. I feel like I always nit-pick him about every little thing, but he puts up with it. I give him soooo much crap over nothing and he takes it. I just don't know if I should be with him anymore. He makes me happy, but sometimes I'm just miserable.
ANSWER: Why are you miserable? Is it something he does, or doesn’t do, or is it you? If it is you, ask him in a quiet moment together what he likes about you. Take it all in and put it into your heart. Realize he values you greatly. That might help you to be less miserable to him.
If it is him, figure out what it is that bothers you. Decide whether it is tolerable. If it is, get over it and tolerate it. If it isn’t, then dump him and move on.
From your question, it seems that you have both things going on – he is responsible and so are you. Try both methods, but note the following advice on the one issue you mention in your question that may be a possible source of dispute between you.
The calls from the former girlfriend sound innocent enough on his part, but he should end it. If she is a former girlfriend that keeps calling, and his interest in her is truly gone, as it probably is if he isn’t calling her, then she should be asked to stop. If this is the source of most of your fighting, then he should take care of this right away because it is disturbing you, and you are not wrong in your feeling uneasy about it.
Wizard
March 30, 2008
Question: Seen him a few times, and he seems to really like me, but not sure about him. He’s not like the blokes I normally go out with. Should I dump him?
ANSWER: If you like him, give him a chance. Variety in life is generally good. However, if you are not sure of him because of something you don’t like, he won’t change it, and you can’t tolerate it, then yes, dump him.
Wizard
March 30, 2008
Question: I've been going out with this guy for like 3 months and already he is clingy and OVERPROTECTIVE! He got all mad at one of my closest guy friends because he thought we were flirting, and he never uses my name. It’s always "my girlfriend." At first it was cute, but now it’s just annoying! I want to dump him because I just don't like him anymore, but I don't know if I should. If I do, how should I?
ANSWER: When you find your boyfriend to be annoying, clingy, and overprotective, it is time to dump him.
You can do this by text message (usually not the greatest way), telephone (well, it’s okay), or directly (the more respectful and more brave way). After you’ve dated long enough to have almost any kind of normal conversation, you should be able to talk to him, so long as he isn’t threatening or maliciously troubling you. In the talk, you tell him out straight that you do not want to date any more.
In doing this, you want to be sure to avoid saying what was wrong with him. Don’t complain or give him list of “Don’t Do’s” for his next dating relationship. Let him figure all that out himself. Instead, give him some compliments. Give him a way to feel good about himself, because he might be vulnerable to self-doubt and anxiety about his looks or personality when he learns he is dumped.
Do not hedge in your decision. In other words, don’t say something like this: “Well, maybe we can get back together again after a month or so, when I’ve had some time to think about our relationship.” When he asks if there is any chance at all to keep the relationship together, do not say, “Maybe.” The answer is, “No.”
Without a specific question from you, these are general basics for you to follow.
Wizard
March 28, 2008
Question: I met a guy 3 months ago. He is 38 and I'm 41. We are both very good looking people. It seems that I always initiate a meeting. Recently I asked him why will he not have sex with me? I even asked him if he was attracted to me as I am a really good looking woman for my age. I also am an aerobics instructor so I have a great physique. Last week he asked me to stay over at his apartment and we had great sex together. Then it happened all three days in a row. The very next day after that, he text messaged me to ask if I was okay. Later that evening he called to visit at my home, but I was not home. I took my daughter to the movies. So I explained to him on the phone that I will be home in an hour. He was a little frustrated and then said to me that we don't have to see each other every day. We will see each other on the weekend and/or maybe one day in the week. He went on explaining to me that he is a single guy, that he has friends, that he is not tied up to anybody, and he will speak with me in the week. He called me a day after this incident, skipped one day of no contact, and then he text messaged me again. Yesterday I heard nothing from him at all. Should I call him or should I wait for him to call?
ANSWER: Sure you can call him. Let things develop naturally. It will all work out if it is the best thing for both of you.
Wizard
March 28, 2008
Question: OK. I know being the "other woman" I am asking for a lot of problems. The most obvious is low priority compared to all the other things. This guy knew going in that he had no intention of leaving his wife, but still relentlessly pursued me. I tried to stop it, and told him I was very fragile, and not to mess with my emotions. I feel this went right over his head, because he had a different agenda. His wife, according to him, is cold and they have not been intimate in any way for 30 years. Along comes me, and I am warm and absolutely adore him. At first (of course), he was pretty attentive. But now, we cannot get through a day without my feelings hurt because he has to do something besides be with me. One thing about me that he knows and is willing to accept about me is that I have Major Depression of a disabling nature. I have to travel on a plane to my therapy about every month. The drive to the airport causes great panic. But I just have to endure. In the eight months we have been together, I have done this trip eight times. He has never once offered to take me to the airport. I do it alone. He says he has no obligation to me. Do not I deserve something being his "girlfriend?" I am the one who fills a once empty "box" that used to be cold, baren, dull, and passionless. I provide charm, good looks, sex, wit, caring and adoration. If I display other feelings, such as emotions or desire for honest communication, he absolutely shuts down saying I think and worry too much. If he would just talk to me honestly and tell me where we are going, I would not HAVE TO think and worry so much. I have read that communication is vital in a relationship. And, he likes to say, "he does not know how to express his feelings." Well, he sure did at the beginning, but now cops out accusing me of being too emotional. Getting back to the plane rides, I know she is his wife, but he is bringing her healthy self to the airport, and will pick her up. I think that is nice, but he never thinks to help me with that errand. It makes me feel really bad. I am constantly being told how other things are taking precedence over me. It is a daily dose of "you're not worthy." I am being taken for granted, right?
A person with Depression naturally feels worthless, and though I have expressed this to me, he never wants to address it back. I would even appreciate him telling me, "Yes, you are not worth it for me to go out of my way for you." He acts that out, but I would like him to be man enough to tell me.
ANSWER: Do not date a married man. If you do, you will always play second fiddle and be expendable. You are a convenience. You satisfy needs he misses at home, but you are not a love interest. You are an ice cream at dairy queen. When he’s hot, you satisfy him. When you stay too long, you get warm and melt, and he doesn’t want melted ice cream.
He doesn’t want you – he wants what you give him. His needs are temporary. His interest in you is worthless.
You deserve better. Listen to yourself: “I provide charm, good looks, sex, wit, caring and adoration. If I display other feelings, such as emotions or desire for honest communication, he absolutely shuts down saying I think and worry too much.” This is as obvious as the sun on a cloudless afternoon in the desert. You do all that you say you do, and you deserve a gentleman who will respond with love and affection. He shuts down because he sees you as only a convenience to satisfy his need. He dismisses you adroitly and you let him do it.
Your depression may be contributing to your willingness to subject yourself to this relationship. You must stop the relationship and find a single guy who will value you. You deserve that, but your depression may get in the way of your finding it. If this is not obvious to you, you need to get professional help to see the hot afternoon, desert sun and realize your dilemma.
Wizard
March 26, 2008
Question: Okay, so me and my friend that I wasn’t friends with anymore, somehow we just became friends again. Last Friday we just kind of started talking . . . and couldn’t stop!! It was like she had changed, or I had missed her soo much that it felt soo good to talk to her again!!! Back when we were best friends, I would kind of be sick of her, but now I want to keep talking to her!!!!! But the thing is, I am still hurt about this, and we didn’t really get to talk a lot about what happened. Now, I know your going to tell me to just talk to her, but I’m just thinking that if I become friends with her again, I'll just get hurt again. Or maybe things will go back to normal soon and she'll just be boring to me again, or not the best friend I hoped for. I’m feeling iffy about this, but now I want to be friends with her!! I just don’t want to get hurt because she's not what I think of as “perfect" but I do want to be friends again. We have a good time just talking, and we talk a lot.
ANSWER: Good for you. It is wonderful to have friends, and if none of them are perfect, it is still good to be able to talk to them and enjoy it. Take all your friends for what they are, not what they could be, or what you want them to be. They are what they are with all their imperfections. Be grateful you have them and be good to them. The rewards are big.
Wizard
March 26, 2008
Question: Okay, so me and this guy have been dating for a month and I like him a lot. But recently he's been talking to me about marriage and how he's got a promise ring and everything. He's got our whole future planned out. The thing is I'm only 16 years old and I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. Not only that, but he's taken up hanging out with my 13 year old step sister, and she keeps trying to get him to leave me for her. He doesn’t understand that she's hitting on him and thinks it's all fun and games. I talked to him about it and he says that he thought that I trusted him and that we've obviously got some issues with our relationship. I want him to know that I do trust him, I just don’t entirely trust her. I care about him a lot and I'm just kind of confused.
ANSWER: Dump him and talk serious to your sister. You are both too young and he’s got immature hopes written all over him, and none of them are good for you or your sister.
You might like him a lot, but a promise ring and planning your future together is idiocy (a habit of idiots). If you were 8 and he was 9, it would be a form of cute puppy love. At sixteen (and goodness knows his age) it is worth no more than puppy love and is dangerous because you are playing with a whole new set of behavioral troubles.
For instance – is sex involved? We all hope not. But he’s got it in mind, be sure of that.
He’s taken up hanging out with your sister. What does that tell you? You are right that it is not all fun and games. Do not trust him.
Wizard
March 25, 2008
Question: I have a boyfriend and he loves me to bits and kept on asking me out, so I eventually said yes. But I hate him. There isn’t one bit of him I like. I don’t even like him as a friend and I want to dump him, but how without him getting angry and crying and start having a fight with me!!!!!!!!
ANSWER: Wow. Well, here is a definite dump in the making. You do it quickly and with great clarity. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you don’t want to date.
Do not bother with an explanation. Do not argue. It requires no discussion. If he gets angry, cries, or starts having a fight with you, leave him immediately. Do not engage in any discussion over it because it is your decision, only yours. He has no say in the matter.
It might be wise, if you fully expect a scene, to do it in a public place, or even safer, by telephone. You may have to avoid him after that, and so you will if you must.
He should be man enough to respect your decision and get over it. If he can’t, he’s a menace to be avoided and ignored.
Wizard
March 24, 2008
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months and I honestly love him a lot, but for the past month and a half he has been sick, so our conversations have been strictly over the phone. The last time I have seen him was on Valentines Day! I miss him a lot and I think he misses me. He says he does, at least. For our three-month anniversary he sent me a dozen long-stemmed red roses with a card saying that he was sorry that he was sick and he just wanted to let me know that he still loved me. My problem is that every time we are supposed to hang out together something always comes up to keep us from being able to. These things are not always things that we can control, but it just seems to happen. Quite frankly, I am tired of our relationship being strictly over the phone. I know that he can’t help being sick and I want to be fair to him, but if things keep coming up is that a sign that it’s not going to work? It sounds stupid when I type it, but it’s been bothering me for a while now. Him being sick has just magnified the whole situation. I think it is really sad when I can walk to his house but it seems like a long, long distance relationship. I don’t want to admit it, but I really don’t feel as close to him anymore. Maybe when I see him again we will be even closer, but I really don’t know what to do. Please help me to figure out how to handle this. Thanks.
ANSWER: If the sole reason for not getting together was his sickness, he must be one really sick guy. We all hope he gets well and shakes it off completely.
The roses are definitely a good sign of his intentions.
But the relationship must be a happy one for you. You are not related. You are not married. You are not committed beyond a simple dating relationship. You must follow your gut feeling, your heart, your personal instinct, about where you go and with whom you go.
You are not obligated to stay as his “date” out of sympathy for his illness. Your question implies that more than illness has gotten in the way – and if that is so, his interest may have waned also.
Do what you feel is right for you. Do not feel a moral or ethical obligation to stay committed to him – you must feel the romance in the relationship to keep it going.
Wizard
March 24, 2008
Question: Hello! I don't want to dump a guy, I'm just lost and I don't know what to think. I'm seeing this guy for over 6 months. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it isn't. Before we started dating, he was in a long relationship and he isn't quite over that yet (sad, I know), but not like he wants to be with that girl again. He's just afraid to commit again. He's afraid he'll be hurt again. So, last night he sent me a sms, some song, it's all about what would he do for me, nice things, but it ends unexpected. It goes something like this – if I only knew how to appreciate your love. I was very sad when I saw that. That doesn't sound good, not to me at least. Please tell me. Am I crazy, should I be mad? I don't know what to think. I think he wanted to tell me he's sorry for that. He didn't want to make me feel bad, I'm sure, but it's just so sad, I'm so sad. I love him.
ANSWER: It is worrisome if he knew what he wrote. He should be hot doggin’ it to get your love, not wondering how to appreciate it.
You are not crazy and you should want to know what it means. You probably don’t have reason, yet, to be mad – sad, perhaps, but not mad.
It might mean he wants to do more for you and is unsure how to show you his appreciation. This seems likely if he is an accurate writer, because he uses the word “how,” suggesting that he does appreciate your love, just doesn’t know how to do it. If that is his meaning, you should be glad, not mad or sad.
Wizard
March 24, 2008
Question: I am so stuck. I have been dating this guy for about seven months, and he has made me the happiest I have ever been. The thing that is killing me is that in the beginning, he brought me flowers, we went out more often, shaved when he saw me, and seemed to make much more of an effort. Now, the last time I got flowers was Valentine’s Day. We chill at home more often, and even though I see him every day of the weekend, he doesn’t shave for me and puts much less grooming effort into it. This wouldn't be such a problem if he never used to do any of that stuff, but the absence of it now makes me feel so unloved. I love him so much and he says that to me as well, but I don’t want him to say he loves me, I want him to show he loves me. I put so much effort in, my friends agree, and I don’t want to expect anything back. I want to be surprised by his thoughtfulness, but I am not. For the first time, I thought about dumping the man I have loved more than anything, because, if I talk to him about it, it defeats the point. What can I do?! I’m desperate!
ANSWER: He has become complacent in your relationship. He doesn’t feel that he has to work to keep you. Or, he doesn’t want you so much any more, and won’t go the extra effort to keep you.
Either way, you’ve got a guy who used to do extra things for you, make an effort for you, do the right thing for you to keep you, and now he’s become a lunk in your presence.
Maybe he needs some kind of wake up call. If you want to try to revive the guy you used to know, put some excitement or surprise into the relationship. That’s right – you do it. See if it sparks in him a renewed interest for you.
For instance, take him out one night. Let him think it’s a normal, casual evening, and that you’re going to some average restaurant you might boringly go to again. Instead, surprise him by driving to a sports event (assuming he is into it), with tickets in your pocket bought and paid for, for a team he likes a lot. Eat dinner there (even if it’s hot dogs) and watch the game. He will be pleasantly surprised. When he says thanks for the great evening, say, “You’re welcome. Now you can surprise me next time soon!” Whistle with a wink and a smile.
If he’s got half a brain, you will rustle up enough brain cells so he’ll be creative enough to surprise you. If he does, encourage it, even if the surprise was not quite as nice. Get him into a routine of doing surprises. When you surprise him after his surprise the next time, maybe it’s just a gift of something he thinks is cool. Give him the same “surprise me next time” and whistle with a wink and a smile. He will respond, like Pavlov’s dog.
Both of you will enjoy doing it and both will benefit from it. If it becomes routine, surprises will become routine. What do ya say to that? By the way, not all surprises must cost money. Many things can be done to surprise. Be creative and make it fun.
Good luck.
Wizard
March 23, 2008
Question: I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. On a few occasions he has said he will call at a certain time and will call later (sometimes hours, sometimes days). When he does this it makes me feel that he is not concerned with how I feel or has respect for me. We only talk on the phone maybe once a week to make plans (brief calls) and send quick emails here and there. He has also backed out of plans without a real apology. It is important to me that people keep their plans (unless it is an emergency situation, of course -or- if he asks you first to rebook with a respectful amount of time’s notice).
I’ve told him how I feel and asked him why he did not call last time when he said he would. He said, “I don’t know.” What is that???? I felt if I asked any more that I would be the bitch for riding his ass. He said he will call me this week on a certain day for sure. Not sure if I should just call it off now or wait until then?
I must wonder if it is already like this now, will he become even more self-absorbed if our relationship were to continue? Or is there someway I can speak with him so he will understand and behave better?
We have not defined our relationship, but I am not seeing anyone else. We have not had intimate relations (just kissing). I have told him it is important to me that we have certain important discussions before our relationship progresses to this.
I don’t need him (I am fine to be on my own, which keeps me single for another suitable guy), but he does have positive attributes I do like besides this, so I don’t want to dump him prematurely if this is something that could be worked out. Not sure how to do that.
What do you think?
ANSWER: At this point you can give him the benefit of your doubts because you haven’t known him long enough and well enough to see how much of this is neglect or willful intent. Wait to see if the call comes as anticipated.
A sit-down with him is a good idea. Don’t be schoolmarmish (like a school teacher with finger pointing!).
One way to raise the subject is to say, “I know you must be busy,” or “You have lots on your mind,” or “I know we haven’t developed our relationship a whole lot, so I’m not the first on your list of importance . . .” End it with somethi | 
